Sadly, that's life. Happily, that's life. Life is troublesome and never what we want or expect.
You listed two problems--one a household run amuck and two your personal distress. Let's start with the household. It divides into
getting kids up
a child's demand for attention (twice)
clean up of coffee mess
a weeks worth of housework
shopping for brownie stuff
dinner and baking
Of all that, the ONLY thing that should not be shorted is the child's demand for attention. Odds are that's exactly why you yelled at her instead of about
the rest of the events. People do that. Now I could tell you get after the house and the rest, but I'm not going to. The first thing to get after is the child's needs. Last night she did not "need" a special supper--unless she never gets what she wants. Your "keep the peace" attempts didn't work, did they? They backfired--making both her and the fiance more needy toward you. I tried that crap of not getting between my husband (when he was my boyfriend) and my daughter--and had exactly the kinds of outcomes you did.
My solution was to tell him, that unless he was teaching her something new, like how to fish, how to use a screwdriver, or how to ride a bike--all final decisions about
her would be mine. That meant that if he was teaching her to fish, he decided how he was going to go about
it and I wouldn't interfere. If she wanted McD's, it was my decision. If he didn't like my choices, he could talk to me when she wasn't around and I'd consider his advice, but in the end, how she was to be raised was up to me.
Well, from then on, I often heard how I was ruining her--my answer was, at least if I have I won't be wondering if it was me or you who did it. He often compared her to his "perfect" neice, who unbeknownst to him was far from perfect--running around at 12 and in alcohol rehab by 14. His family did not tell him, and I told my daughter we would not either--telling his was his sister's responsiblities not ours. It was hard for my daughter, but not harmful--since she clearly knew he was wrong.
So that's the important part, but what of the rest of the housework. I used to have to make the last minute runs to the store for things I didn't have on hand. So you simply have to buckle down and do it or disappoint your daughter and her classmates. That's a no brainer. Hard, yes, but a no brainer. While there, pick up tv dinners for tonight and tomorrow. If fiance doesn't like it, tell him tough, unless he wants to run to the store and cook. You are taking care of other things right now.
You said in your other post that you need some shelves, but will have to wait for christmas money. That's something to put on your needs list. Now look around the house--and see how many other needs you have. How much of that weeks worth of housework is because you don't have adequate storage--I'll bet a bunch. A good poster on the organized home forum, says storage pieces should be not be more than 80% full--and that does make life a hundred times easier. So now instead of cleaning today, begin pitching the unnecessary.
clothes. I fought against tossing clothes, because I'd get behind on laundry and need those extras. Then I'd have big laundry days. There was so much, I never got it all put away--instant clutter. Now I have so few things, that I do a few loads a week. I have no choice but to wash that often--and I put it all away in my storage that is only 80% full--it's easy.
Tomorrow, after pitching some of every mess in the house, is soon enough to worry about
Now to your personal distress. Skipping you not wanting to leave the house, the rest seems to be about
interpersonal interpersonal relationships. I really think that what is happening is that your daughter and fiance are doing passive agression--so taking command of your child's rearing in the way I suggested or some other way--will end hers. The spilled coffee and letting the kids sleep in sounds like his is about
the house and child rearing responsibilities. You also sound like passive agression, but turned on yourself instead of loved ones.
This is almost certainly a manageable and fixable situation, but sadly for you the fix begins with you. Try the things I suggested. Get rid of somethings so the messes are visibly smaller. Don't tell yourself--he hates TV dinners--just get them and serve them. Combined, those are a loud and clear message to him that you won't "take it anymore." If he wants better he can pitch in without the passive agression.
Spend some time with your daughter before and after dinner. You could have the brownies ready and have her put frosting on them. Have her help you carry silverware and set the table--you can show her the right way to do it. Look at her room with her and see if she wants to donate some toys or clothes for a christmas drive.
It may have taken a while to write this and it may seem too much, but it's about
being on top of your household--not smothering under it. If you can't do it all today, do what seems important and call it good.
I hope this helps.
Post Edited (bevhea) : 12/13/2005 7:34:17 PM (GMT-7)