I am currently in a period were i have never been so depressed in my life.
I was put on prozac in late 2014 because i was just generally feeling constantly down, and honestly I started to feel better. I made new friends and I was so happy with who I was becoming and I felt like I was finally turning into a normal functioning human. But last October I started University and life has now become painful everyday.
One of the worst things about
this is my boyfriend. He is everything I could ever want and I feel like I'm slowly destroying it with every meltdown or mood swing.
Technically we're long distance since I'm now living about
2 hours away from him, and this is making everything harder.
I get paranoid that he is looking for someone else or is getting sick of me, every night and most days I spend crying in my room and I phone him up a lot telling him how much I dont be alive anymore and that is not fair on him at all. He is too nice not to tell me to leave him alone. Before I went to university everything was perfect. We never argued and we were both so in love, but now I can feel a weird hatred growing between us.
I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago. I was too scared to go all the way, and in a sense i know that i don't want to die. I just feel like im insane sometimes. I get so angry and i just want to no longer feel anything. I like my course, I'm studying what I love, but I HATE university. There is just a horrible atmosphere that surrounds my halls and campus. I really want to leave but my parents went insane when I told them, they cant handle me expressing my emotions because they pin it down to that im either attention seeking or just ungrateful. I can see why they think that. in their eyes im doing what I love, im young and a lot of cool things are happening with my career prospects and recognition for my artwork, but that just isnt in my mind at all at the moment.
I also cant stand to look at myself. i used to actually like how I looked in some ways, but i just feel repulsed everytime i look in the mirror. I forgot to mention i was put on some other anti depressant because prozac stopped working and its meant to make you gain weight and thats something im terrified of.
my boyfriend stayed over the past 2 nights (im home for a week) and today he said he wants to go home and clean his room so i can stay over at his, and I somehow took that of him not wanting to be with me and I got really offended and upset and ignored him and now hes at his house and we're not really talking. Now i can see that was stupid and he has his own life, but then my childish emotions over rided all logic like usual.
Everything feels heavy and negative. Everyday is harder to get through.
I've never posted on a forum before but i needed to get this out somewhere.
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 2/20/2017 9:30:55 AM (GMT-7)