Confused and scared

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/14/2005 5:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Not really sure if this is the right place for this but it is part of my problem.  I am 32 years old have been with the same woman for over 6 years now. We are engaged and have 4 children together. We have bought a home last year and started to make a life for ourselves. I thought everything was going OK till a month ago when she broke down and said that everything was terrible.  She told me that she didn't think I loved her anymore and that I didn't show her that I did.  We had a long talk about everything and for the next week, I did everything I could think of to show her how much she meant to me. After this first week she blew up again and said this time it was her and not me and that it felt like i was just "kissing her ass". She said she felt alone and empty and that nothing made her feel good anymore. She didn't want to go to work and she didn't want to be at home.  Myself and a friend of hers finally got her to talk to a mental health worker and a doctor and she was diagnosed with depression.  She is now on meds and talking to a psyciatrist.  I have read all I can find about depression and am trying to figure out what I can do to help her in any way I can. Now though, she doesn't want me to touch her and she never says that she loves me anymore. I tell her everyday that I love her and that I am here for her, and this is the only time I occasionally get an I love you too, back.  I know I'm sounding selfish and whining about myself when I should be concentrating on her, but it gets very hard when you don't know where you stand.  I love this woman very much, she changed my life completely 7 years ago and I have wanted nothing but to spend the rest of my life with her ever since.  We've gone from talking about weddings and marriage to not really talking about anything at all.  She started talking about leaving and not knowing whether she wants to be here anymore.  She says she will stay till after Christmas for the kids sakes but doesn't know what will happen after that.  I know we have something good something solid and I know I would do anything to help her, but it feels like it is all in vain. It is hard to sit back and wait and see if the meds and the counselling will help but it feels like all that I can do. I don't know what to do or say anymore and I know I will be there for her no matter what she decides. Just needed to get this out to somebody who might have gone through this also.  Thanks.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 12/14/2005 6:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes letting the medication get into her system good & talk to her drs.Given time It will work out,just have patience.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 12/14/2005 6:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Your wife has done what I call "hitting the wall."  It happens to people who have stuffed issues rather than deal with them.  Odds are the original issues are not with you.  However, when things are stuffed, anyone can become the personification of those issues--and at time it does feel like someone else (you or the kids or the boss at work) is responsible for her being sad.  Then there are more lucid times, when she realizes the feelings come from within.  
Since she's not yet ready to face what is going on inside her (a civil war), you won't be able to figure it out either.  And even more importantly, you can't put any weight on anything she says about it--except that she may leave.  She is running on the inside and the outside may follow.  It doesn't even matter if it the right thing for her to do or not.  People who hit the wall are liable to do almost anything--and by the time they admit--they are pretty well out of control of their mind.  It's not crazy--it's fear, emptiness, and often self loathing.
What you can do is listen when she wants to talk--and NEVER take issue, NEVER try to explain, NEVER question, or react in anyway other than INTERESTED.  Learn to say, "oh" a lot and in a lot of different voices.  Say that's interesting, I never thought about that, I think I see what you are saying, (not just, I see ...).  If she mildly complains about someone or something don't ask questions or try to solve it.  Say things like, I didn't know she was like that or it sounds unfair to me. 
Think of her like a baby without a vocabulary.  If a baby is crying you don't ask questions, you don't give advice.  You pick it up and rock it.  You pat it's back and hold the baby til it finds peace. 
Obviously from your post you would be happy to hold your wife and make her feel better, but she is rejecting.  However, there is a way.  When your wife is calm, touch her on the right shoulder.  Make it a firm enough for her to feel--almost a squeeze--and then let go and greet her with simple words or a smile.  After a few times, if she accepts it, start doing it everytime you see her--in the morning when you wake, after work, after dishes are done.  What it does is say I'm here and I'm the same as always.  It gives both of you what becomes a common, non-threatening moment.  She will probably ask why you are doing that--tell her I would love to just hold you and make you feel better, but I don't want you to think I expect anything from you, so I touch your arm.  I guess I'm trying to show you. (Or something like that.)
She will fall behind on things that are important to her.  If she is a clean bathroom freak--make sure you leave it clean.  If she couldn't care less if the windows are washed, but you do--don't wash the windows.  Tell her you realize that she's down, and you want to help with the house and kids, so could she please make a little list for you of what she would like done.  Then tell her when you will start and finish the list.  You don't want her seeing you do the work--that's depressing--and in the state she's in, she will balk.  But if it's magical, she may accept it.
You may or may not try this--use judgement.  Have her take the kids (or one of the kids) some place.   Start with a place that she used to go often or which is only for a few minutes--and build it up from there.  While she is gone, do something from the list. 
Odds are that you got taken by surprise, because she is complaining to someone.  You need to bust into that--alittle.  If you make the separation too great, that's all that will be on her mind--so that does you no good.  But keep things stirred up with as many good, happy things as you can.  Talk about pet things from the past, remind her of things she liked.  (Look at photo albums for ideas.)  And don't be surprised if she says she hated something you think she liked.  Right now it needs to be all about her--and if the past memory is about going to your car races or the kid's t-ball game--it's not about her--and right now she will hate it.
I've seen this sort of battle before and most of the time, hitting the wall in the way your wife did is a bad sign.  Too many of those women walk away from really great guys and lives.  I'm hoping that the meds and counseling will prevent it this time. 

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 12/15/2005 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
sounds so familiar..let the meds do there work it will get better ,stay with her support her even when you dont think she wants it wife is the same way you are describing and one thing she always tells me is ,,..whenn she is down and says she doesnt want anything to do with me etc.....that when she does come aroud is that she is happy that I am patient and dont get mad at her and she really does appreciate me my friend be patient it will get better

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/17/2005 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement.  It gets really hard sometimes when you have all of these questions and no answers. No one to talk to or to understand what it is you are feeling.  Looking into going to a counsellor myself to see what I can do to help her and also for myself. Somedays are good, somedays hard to breathe.  I want to show her these posts also, but am worried she might take them the wrong way.  Think I'm complaining behind her back or sharing problems with everyone. Still confused, but getting a little better.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 12/17/2005 3:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Good grief no, don't show her the posts. Showing her the posts will make her think you are complaining behind her back, but it is the same thing as I commented on above. It makes it about you, not her--don't do that.

Do like you are thinking, go to a counselor to talk there about what is on your mind and how the different approaches that you try work or don't work out. That is a much better solution.


New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/18/2005 12:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Your wife sounds so much like me. I "hit the wall," as Bev commented, probably three years ago. I was taking medications, but never sought therapy. I went from an active woman, who loved her children, and withdrew into a shell. Spent the majority of time on the sofa in despair, and didn't know what to do. I pushed all the gunk inside me for years, and never dealt with any of it.

The only way I could cope was withdraw into myself, and my two choices were to feel nothing, or feel intense pain. The past few months, I'd chosen to feel nothing, and pushed everyone away who cared about me.

A few weeks ago, I reached a crisis stage where I couldn't keep everything inside. I felt extremely hopeless. I finally broke down, crying to my mom who's 84 (I should be taking care of her, lol), and she and my daughter made some calls, and found a therapist who recommended I go immediately for a psych assessment at the hospital. It wasn't, "go next week or after the new year," it was go immediately. I did, had the assessment, and they have a day program to go to. You don't go for that long, but it covers all areas; therapy, structuring your daily life (which I'm learning is very important for someone with depression), eating healthy, keep a regular schedule for sleeping, etc. It's basically an emergency program to get you immediate help, then phase you into therapy with a counselor or whoever you want to see.

I don't believe if I had just gone to a therapist without this program, it would have worked. I would recommend you check in your area, and see if there is a hospital that has a similar type of program. Mine is a regular hospital, not a psychiatric one, and the program is set up to go 8:30 a to 3:30 p., and the average amount of days you spend is one week, or if you need more, longer, or you go into the half-day program.

Your wife will meet people like herself, who are depressed or anxious, and be able to share her problems. It is very difficult to talk to someone who has never experienced depression.

I have a long ways to go, but I now have hope that I can get rid of everything I've pushed down inside me for years, and become a happy and productive woman and mother again.

Depression is a serious illness, and she needs help. If you could find a program similar to the one I did, it isn't threatening because you're not going into a psych hospital, it's an out-patient program, so you go home and continue with your daily life, and it gives you that jump-start that she might need to get on the road to recovery.

I hope this helps and wish you all the luck. If I can be of help, feel free to email me. I know what she is going through--and it is so hard for other people to understand. She is lucky to have your support and love.

Bev's comments are right on!


New Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 12/18/2005 10:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I am new here. I have also just "hit the wall". My husband is going though what you are. I have been on meds for 4days. I read your post and see myself in your wife. My poor husband does not know which way to turn. But, I can tell you what he is doing that helpsme, may not help your wife, but helps me.
He tells me he loves me and he says he knows that I am having a bad time of it and he is there for me forever. He said he loves me fat, thin, sick, well it does not mattter to him. Then he gives me space to heal. He does not pester me about what my doctor says, or my mental health support staff says. He holds me when I cry..
I do not ever show him post, I have my own pc and he does not even know about the message board. I feel I need privicy (sp?) to heal.
I really hope all gets better with you and your wife. God Bless.
Robin aka tardar
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