Hey, I'm new.

anything_animal

New Member

Joined : Dec 2005

Posts : 4

Posted 12/15/2005 10:25 AM (GMT -6)

I heard about this website in another forum and thought I would check it out. I used to have severe depression: always dwelling on little things, feeling like I never belonged, thought about killing myself 5 times a day, saw no purpose in life, and I made myself completely numb so that I couldn't hurt anymore.

Usually making myself emotionally numb meant hurting physically. I am also a cutter. It has all gotten much better since meeting my boyfriend but my insecurities still get the best of me. I still can not look at myself in the mirror. I still get the urge to cut a lot and still think about suicide. I went from cutting myself more than once a day down to once a month or so, thinking about suicide several times day down to once a week. I am getting better, but I feel like now everything is at a standstill. I still can't stand the thoughts in my head, the sound of my voice, the way I look. I am still completely disgusted and ashamed of myself.

I have never taken medication nor gone to see a psychiatrist/therapist. I feel my issues are my own and that is exactly how I should deal with them. At this point though.. I'm not sure what to think. I also find that once in a while I get this burst of sudden happiness, clarity and feeling of well-being and self appreciation. It lasts about a week or two and then suddenly the depression and cutting urges come back full force. I find the more this happens and the more I fight it off myself, the easier it is to handle the next time it happens.

I've tried to disconnect myself with those who drag me down but I've learned that this isn't always possible. I beat myself up over every mistake, when I cry it makes me feel like I am stupid, weak and immature. So I do everything I can to not let myself. After 10 years of this, I no longer knew how to cry. Even if I felt like I was going to, and I wanted to, nothing would happen. My boyfriend has helped me with that, and has made me become un-numbed from the world. I find myself wishing I could go back to feeling numb, so I could go back to not being able to get hurt. Sometimes I just want to feel nothing again, I want to be unable to cry again. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

CheerDad

Veteran Member

Joined : Apr 2004

Posts : 2284

Posted 12/15/2005 2:15 PM (GMT -6)

Hey, I can relate to feeling like the issues in life are my own. I did so for many years. I finally did get professional help and it has made a big difference in my life. Maybe it is time for you to give it a try too. Good luck and hope you find the answers you are looking for.

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

Randy

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bevhea

Regular Member

Joined : Sep 2005

Posts : 240

Posted 12/16/2005 4:24 PM (GMT -6)

My response may seem a little off the wall. They are about insecurities.

My first husband had everything, looks, body, brains, health. He earned a good living and was generally admired. He had it all except a decent personality at home. My first husband--with all his movie star looks--was without doubt one of the most insecure people I've ever known. He covered it public and took it out on us at home.

My second husband has none of those qualities, but he's a pleasant sort of fellow, who is well liked by friends and acquaintences. He's also wonderful at home--helpful, kind in attitude, and words and acts. My second husband is also insecure and has polished his wonderful personality to make up for what he feels he lacks.

My insecurities go rampant, every so often. Every friend I have lives with insecurities. Even the counselor I went to was insecure sometimes--and maybe that was what made him a good counselor.

I found myself wondering as I read, if "owning" your own problems is a manifistation of insecurities--at least in part. Counseling would mean talking about them--maybe even putting yourself in someone else's hands. That could be really hard. By the same token, it's really hard to fix one's self, by one's self.

I agree with CheerDad, but for a slightly different reason. You have come a long way, and that has gotten you to the point that you have a good relationship now. It is all to easy to talk to someone you care for and trust about the problems--for instance to explain why you prefer not doing something. That sort of thing leads slowly into asking or expecting help from your partner--and THAT gets the relationship in a mess.

So my opinon is that if you want to keep on "owning" your problems, you need a crutch outside that relationship as a means of continuing the work you have done so far.

bev

Oldtimer

Regular Member

Joined : Nov 2003

Posts : 208

Posted 12/17/2005 9:40 PM (GMT -6)

If someone you cared about told you they beat themselves up over every little mistake... What would you say to them?

www.everyday-wisdom.com

anything_animal

New Member

Joined : Dec 2005

Posts : 4

Posted 12/17/2005 11:32 PM (GMT -6)

Hey Oldtimer, I would say absolutely nothing really. I don't really know. It happens all the time, I have a friends where we share how we feel with eachother kinda thing. Usually I just say something like "I know what you mean."

Nanse

Regular Member

Joined : Nov 2005

Posts : 217

Posted 12/17/2005 11:38 PM (GMT -6)

Hi there, I'm glad you're here!

I hope you'll consider therapy. You've already benefitted from the therapeutic effects of what your boyfriend has done. I agree with Bev that a person can't expect their partner to be their therapist. It redefines the relationship and isn't fair to expect of a boyfriend.

Your issues are your own but they are not unique, so a therapist can help you. They are your own and only what you choose to share and work on is what the therapist will know about you. What would be concerns you would have about trying some sessions with a therapist?

I also used to have that one good week of the month. It was directly related to my mentrual cycle; can you connect it to that for you?

Could it be that you are so hard on yourself that you won't allow yourself to consider meds and therapy because they might help?

Just some thoughts. I'm glad you're here and I hope you post more and let us know how you are doing!

Nanse

anything_animal

New Member

Joined : Dec 2005

Posts : 4

Posted 12/18/2005 12:01 AM (GMT -6)

Thanks Nanse. I don't solely depend on my boyfriend to help me, I've fought a lot and put myself through a lot of difficult decision to get this far as well. Such as, letting go of important people in my life that just drag me down with me, etc.

I'm terrified to ask somebody for help. I'm afraid of money issues. I'm also afraid of somebody finding out. My problems are my own, nobody else needs to know. I also refuse to take meds of any sort. I find them to be a temporary solution, and am under the impression that once you stop taking them everything - all the bad thoughts, urges, feelings and memories - would all come back full-force. That also terrifies me. I find I still hit rock bottom a lot, but each time I fight my way up it becomes easier and easier to deal with.

My parents are also a key trigger. I am 18 and for the past 10 years this whole thing that I've told you since my first post is what I've been dealing with. I was 8 when I first started thinking about suicide.

Keep in mind my parents do not know of my problems. So anyway, for teh past 10 years - and it continues to this day - if I am in my bedroom I am not allowed to have my door closed. I am also not allowed to be in my room for more than 1 hour at a time (nighttime is the exception for both rules). If I close my door, they threaten to remove it completely. Needless to say, we have our disagreements. They've told me once in my life that they are proud of me, and that was written, not said - at my graduation. We're not your typical family always hugging and saying "I love you" with meaning. Our "I love you" is automatic and almost robot-like, and we rarely even so much as look at eachother. When out shopping, etc, I always walk a few steps behind my parents. When confronted I rarely look them in the eye. They are very controlling emotionally and with words, and I have yet to ever stand up to them.

Anyway, enough for tonight. Hopefully I can just talk about some things here to get them out.

Nanse

Regular Member

Joined : Nov 2005

Posts : 217

Posted 12/18/2005 12:53 PM (GMT -6)

I happen to agree with you about the meds. I was on them for 10 years and recently stopped. Now, though, I am doing a lot of talking! THAT's what helps.

Taking or declining to take meds is the choice of the individual, not the therapist or anyone else.

I'm really sorry for your family situation. It is very controlling. At your age the details of your life, like whether you want your bedroom door closed or not, how much time you want to spend in your bedroom, etc. should be soley your decisions. I understand, too: I was told how often I could bathe, wash my hair, etc.

Since you are of legal age, your parents would not have to know if you seek therapy. Also, your community's mental health services most likely provide free or nearly free services. They would be listed in your phone book's yellow pages under mental health or behavioral health.

I understand about being terrified to ask someone for help. How could you feel comfortable asking for help when you are accustomed to an environment that discourages it? Is what you've learned about being self-sufficient working for you right now or is it just what you stay with because it is what you know? Most of that fear of asking for help may be because it would be a new experience for you and also because it is important to you. It may seem like far more, but it is really similar to any kind of asking for help, such as asking a doctor for help with headache pain or foot pain. The other person is familiar with your type of situation and has ways to begin to look at it and see what can be done to give you relief. That initial call to make the appointment and then to go to that first appointment are the hardest part, if you should decide to go that route.

Sometimes to try something out and see how it works can surprise us and give us comfort, encouragement, security, and other things we want. And it's nice to have someone there when you are climbing out of a rock-bottom place or to help keep you from having to hit a rock-bottom place!

It must be so exhausting for you to keep everything in and put on the happy face all the time. I hope you'll come here and post often; and you need not try to hide or supress how you're feeling because we do care here.

((hugs))

Nanse

hposi03

Regular Member

Joined : Nov 2005

Posts : 43

Posted 12/22/2005 11:22 AM (GMT -6)

hey anything_animal...I just wanted to say that I understand what your going thru. I have a similar family situation and just seeing what your writing you remind me of me lol. Keep in touch...Hope to see you around.

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