Its Been Awhile

I honestly dont know where to being, but i have to start somewhere, so ig I start like this. Last time I dared to post on here was maybe 3-4 years ago, back when I was in 8th grade. I now am in the 11th and are trying to reflect on myself. I havent quite given up hope, as evidenced by my presence on here, but I still feel down(even more then usual). I am not the same younger version would just post anything I threaten to. I just need encouraging words perhaps or.... maybe my sertione(spellcheck) is low? I constantly felt the need to vent in someway. Music is usually my outlet but it can only help so many times before it becomes tiresome in itself. I have many conflicts that would take a novel for me to explain so ill be brief.

**Home Life is a wreck
***School Life is still an issue
*Females
**Figuring myself out
*Running out of pills again(I may not need them?)
***Issue of having Aspberger(although i dont feel like i do but its stated those who have it never notice it)
**Feeling like a complete outsider(Apparently by being annoying)
*etc.

P.S. Problems Are Rated By Star

P.P.S. Star Key
*Low-Key
**Minor-Key
***Major-Key

I've been diagnosed yes, but i don't quite know who to seek for help(If it is available at any point). Any suggestion?

Jay-J:

You said,

"I havent quite given up hope, as evidenced by my presence on here"

That is a good sign. Keep reporting in.

You say, "Home Life is a wreck." How is it a wreck?

How is figuring yourself out a problem?

You say, "Feeling like a complete outsider(Apparently by being annoying)"

I've had a hard time with that, also. In the last year or so, I've been trying to figure out a job I had when I was in my 20's.

I don't have a lot of social skills, and in my first week or so of my new job, my boss introduced me to someone outside the company that I was supposed to be working with, and I totally messed it up. And my boss reacted to that right in front of me and this guy.

And I think about that from time to time, and it really doesn't get any easier.

I was just thinking of that tonight. My older brother and sister would be at a party for teens at our house, and they would be socializing very well. I would be standing there, but I would not be socializing.

I would rationalize by thinking, "Well, I'm several years younger than they are and I don't have to socialize."

Well, I was able to think that for 10 years or more, cause I was always the youngest child. But then came the time when I was thrown into the workforce, and there would be no more excuses, type of situation. No more standing behind my older brother and sister, not saying anything.

I would have to relate with the most difficult of people, my bosses. Oh, horror. Truly nightmares. I didn't ever get very good at that, but I was just thinking tonight, I have skills some of those good socializers don't.

Would I give up my skills to be able to do small talk/socialize like they can? No. Would I really want to be like that? No.

Did I wish I could when I was going through that stage? Yeah. Where would I have ended up if I had done it right? Well, the equivalent of the produce manager at a local grocery store. Did I really want that? No, I just wanted to be me.

All my weaknesses and all my strengths.

Or as the saying goes, "Be yourself, who else is better qualified?"

So, what are some of your interests?

I spent time searching for support groups in my area, but to my misfortune, there happens to not be any for my condition. It seems as time goes on, any interests I had disappear. I cant even recall what I am really interested in, besides venting ig. I also focus to much on school and kinda want an outlet from that. Usually home would be the solution, but when I desire school more than home, you know thats a problem. Im just stuck waiting at the moment for some sort of change......

I've read "The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night" which to me is an incorrect interpretation of the Asperger autism, but it was an interesting read nonetheless. As for school, I enjoy being there as it forces me to occupy myself, yet I dont enjoy the terrible/forced social interactions.

I had figured that the best way to understand my impact is to create a relationship web. It would help illustrate what would happen if I were to leave. I pondered what would be the most honest scenario that would take place, and maybe a bit bias, but i felt that I would leave no impact. I felt as if I would be doing a favor rather than causing a nuisance.