I wrote my first and only post about 8 months ago. Today I wrote this:
There is a lot of pain in being human. We accept it, we know it’s there, we move forward despite the pain. I don’t think I am part of the “we” because I can’t move forward. I am different, I see that at the end of all this pain is darkness, and loneliness, so what is the point of wading through it? To get to the same place faster? All I can see in life is the darkness in other people, the loss, the loneliness, the dread, the worry, the monotony. I don’t want that anymore. I wish you could see a preview of what is to come, and decide if it’s worth it. I don’t think mine will be.
All I see ahead is loss and more of the same. Grandparents dying, parents dying, loss of love. All I see ahead of me is loneliness and boredom. I feel loneliness in waking up, I feel loneliness going to work, I feel loneliness at home, I feel loneliness going to bed. I feel monotony every day, I feel a lack of caring and disconnectedness about my job. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t know how to feel excited about work, I can’t imagine feeling excited about work. I can’t imagine there is anything out there that will make me happy, fulfilled. I could go home but I will just feel the same , and the same things will lie ahead.
Right now I hate being around people, and I also hate being alone. I hate having to listen, to make conversation, to be around people who are happy, to have to grapple with what I don’t see that they do. I hate being in my head, I hate having to fill the seconds, minutes hours when I am alone. So where does that leave me?
My family and friends say they are there for me, but I don’t know how to have them be there for me. They can’t be there every second, every agonizing second of being me. They have their own lives, their own goals, their own paths. My pain is not theirs, they cannot and will not understand. I don’t know what help would help, and I don’t know that they understand the degree to which that help is needed, that help is needed every second of the day. I believe if they understood that their offer would not stand.
I’m not trusting in people, I don’t trust they will be there, or want to be there. Someone who supposedly loved me just told me they are happier without me. I believe that only in time will other people realize they feel the same way. I can’t understand the concept of “falling out of love” but I now know it’s a thing, it can happen. And I don’t want any piece of that. I don’t want this. I don’t want to live every day waiting for that to happen.
My relationship didn’t break me, I was broken before that. I lacked direction, I lacked happiness, I lacked energy. But my relationship gave me optimism, it was the first time I felt loved by someone other than my family. I loved it, I craved it, I needed it. And I don’t have that any more, and now I remember what everyday life is like, with the addition of the feeling of loss. Everyday life was unpleasant, that with the loss is too much. It’s too much.
I tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling hurt. I tired of feeling too hot on hot days and too cold on cold ones. I’m tired of seeing this shimmer of sadness around ordinary things, roads, trees, offices, people.