Posted 4/12/2017 12:23 PM (GMT -6)
You sound like me many years ago.
I was the youngest of 3 children. So, it was quite natural that I knew less of anyone in the family, so that's what I did feel for many years.
What was also probably going on was that I was a future manic-depressive, someone with a major mental illness. I wasn't fully aware of it at that time, but on some level, at times it would disappear and I would feel Ok, but on some level when I had made a huge mistake, I would probably have this feeling that something was wrong with me.
That feeling would be off and on between successes and not successes, and I never did have a true picture of myself. I still don't.
As a manic-depressive, those ups and downs are probably self-explanatory, feeling great as a manic, and the lowest of the low when depressed.
At 16, you were way depressed, while at 17 I had a psychotic episode during a classroom situation. Yeah, I felt like the lowest person in the world.
What also hurt was, I had a negative outlook on life, mine. I came to believe that if I believed I could solve a problem going into it, it gave me a better chance to solve it. And it worked.
Do you believe you can solve this problem?
I now think, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."
You say, "I went to high school and I have a college degree and somehow I know nothing."
So, you're a college graduate who feels you don't know anything. What is that, conflict?
I had those feelings, too, of not knowing. I was very sensitive, and my feelings of inadequacy would rise up very quickly. But sensitivity is not a weakness, it's a strength.
With that, you're in a good position to help others who have problems. Maybe you could do some work in a hospital working with patients who could use some understanding. Who don't want someone who knows everything, they want someone who can help them.
You say, "I don't know if it's a combination between how I was raised and not taught much of anything- financially, cooking, cleaning... I have no idea but I literally don't know what is going on."
I felt the same way at that age. When I was depressed for 3 weeks because I was out of a job and no socialization because of that, I got very depressed very quickly.
I was living by myself, and hadn't really had a lot of experience taking care of myself. As I said, I was the youngest of 3 children and was use to 4 older people taking care of me if I had a problem, not that they did, but it was always older people's decisions as to what I should do.
So I didn't have any practice taking care of myself, I didn't have any "reps" with that. (Also, my bipolar is there basically all of my life, which also puts me at a disadvantage of taking charge of my life.)
So, my by myself, as a c. 27 year old, I'm depressed for 3 weeks, don't know what to do. Uh, oh. I can't make a decision, which depression makes worse, to see a psychiatrist.
So after 3 weeks, the depression comes down on my head and I have a mental breakdown. So, I'm not taking care of myself, am I?
Anyway, it was during that time right before the break, I was blaming my mother for not raising me right, for all my troubles.
Same thing you're going through, can't wash, can't cook. I rem. when I was about, I'll say 13, a women on my street ask me if I could change her tire. I felt bad, I told her I couldn't. I felt bad, I didn't know how to change a tire.
When was 17, I ask my dad, will you show me how to change a tire, and he said, "No." Whew. But I had this same feeling: I can't do anything.
Again, a lot of that was probably the mental illness, the bipolar, along with sensitive, youngest child, all the starts were aligned.
If I had been positive, I could have said to that lady, "I might not, but if you'll tell me what to do, I might can help change it for you."
Using the positive to get around my shortcomings. I just saw the negative and I couldn't change the tire.
There's a lot of openings for people who have problems to help people who are having problems.
This website is one of them.