haven't left house in almost six months This is LOOOOONG, sorry

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Mae82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/26/2017 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone,

Sorry this is sooooo long and Thank you to any and everyone that reads this.

Not sure why am I writing this or even why I joined this website. I am just at the end of my rope. My life is so complicated and so insane that I generally try to down play it. Or at least I did when I had a life. I guess I should start at the beginning but I feel like my post will be to long but since this may be my only one why not. I'm 34 and female. Up until almost two years ago I was pretty independent. Due to my mother deciding when I was around 15 she no longer wanted to work to take car of my sibling and I and a "father" who will acknowledge his other kids but not you. I had trouble with depression at a young age and left school at the end of 9th grade. By the time I got a little better I realized at 17 if I wanted to eat and by clothes I would need a job. So I worked instead of going back to school, while my family slept on the floor of the family members. At 19 I was talked into renting a place with my sibling with our mother (who still wasn't working). I went hoping if I worked hard enough things would work out.

I got my GED and continue to go from cleaning houses to cashier to bank tell to a pretty decent job a few years later. All the while being the sole responsible adult in our household. My mother did nothing but lay around a lie to me about how she couldn't fine a job, how hard she was trying all the while trying to control me. My sister did whatever the hell she wanted. While I constantly kept track of (and worried over) the bills, needing to CONSTANTLY remind my sister when things were due. Finally after a few years of this I had enough and said I was moving. I found an apartment and everything only to come home to be told my mother was having a baby (literally right then) Sounds like a TV soap, I know. That's when I made the biggest mistake of my LIFE and will ALWAYS regret!!!! I stayed.

I should have left but that night my brother was born and I honestly couldn't do it. I knew she wouldn't take care of him and I couldn't bare the thought of him growing up the way I had ( with no one to depend on) It broke me. I thought maybe now she could really get help. Maybe now she'll do right by him even though she hadn't for me. Only that didn't happen. Years passed and people joked that we were too close. That I was more like his mom. Like it was intentional. I had no choice she still refused to get a job. Still refused to take care of him financially (OR make his father for that matter). When he was a few years old I had it an my sister and I (Another mistake) told her we were moving and getting a place. she tried to threaten to take my brother away but we moved anyway. She literally stayed in the house till the landlord forced her to get out. She lied to everyone saying we never told her. She ended in a motel and I would get my brother on the weekends so he could have some semblance of normal. She ended up with a relative even though I told her not to do it. They didn't really get along (My moms fault) despite having nothing she talks about everyone and everything and treats like garbage to feel better. Any way I had enough living with my sister and we were getting out own places but before that my mom comes to visit while I'm out with a friend, next thing I know I am getting a cell call from the relative saying my mom can't come back and to come get her things or else they will be out for trash.

So I am again stuck with taking care of my mother. By then I had started college and between that and working full time I was only home the weekends and a couple night, those I spent with my brother. Around this time I started getting sick and feeling run down and in pain. I thought I was just doing to much on top of going to the gym almost every morning. I kept it up though because even with all the drama I felt happy for the first time in my life. I LOVED going to college even if it was only at night. I felt like I could be proud of myself and then BAM! Enter brick wall. All of a sudden I couldn't get out of bed, Everything hurt. I couldn't remember things couldn't stay awake and my muscles hurt constantly. I was told it was depression put on pills but still had all the aches and pains. Went from doctor to doctor and got worse and worse. Barely keeping my job. Finally (a few YEARS later) I diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I thought all my troubles were over. I started feeling better and I was for awhile but several months later it started all over n I was out again. Eventually constant pain and exhaustion became my new normal and I just tried to live with it and to some degree it worked.

I realized I needed to get away from my mother and began saving towards my dream of having my own home. I eventually was able to accomplish that and left my apartment to my mother along with everything in it. For a short period of time I was actually happy (still sick but happy) I still took care of my brother and saw him every weekend,. While my mother complained to whoever would listen that I just once again up and left to live in a big house by myself. Then I get a call (while in bed sick) from my sister that the sheriffs department had kicked my mother and brother out and she doesn't know what to do. I told her to handle it for once and that I had done enough. To take her to social services to get assistance and that I would take my brother. All I remember after that was hearing my door open and my sister come to my room to tell me that she doesn't know what to do and that she doesn't have room at her house (yes house, also) and that my mother is downstairs then turns around and leaves. SOOOO my dream of being free of having my on home had turned into a nightmare.

For the past almost four years I have had her and my brother living with me. Now instead of my taking care of myself I am now responsible for feeding and clothing all of us with NO help ( still refused to get child support) complained about everything from his new school to my neighborhood to my dog! Then I ended having to get custody when she finally did try to apply. I had tried to make her leave but SURPRISE on me in order to do that I have to take her to court to force her to leave!!!!! Did I mention I am still sick from all this, health is failing (already had to have a PICC line the last time I was sick) now I am suppose to file court papers ***! So that never happened and I got sicker and more depressed. Then it hits another brick wall only this time 10 times worse. I cant get outta bed, cant focus, memory is shot.I can't even drive anymore! I go out on leave from my job, I honestly don't remember anything that happened for those six months. My jobs says quit or come back but how can I go back when I can't focus or stay awake to hold a conversation. My doctor tells me that resigning from my job of 11 years is the right thing to do I will get disability, have time to focus on my health. Only that hasn't happened and since I'm the one responsible for everything when I broke down my mother didn't pick up the slack and with no disability (Denied) I can no longer pay my mortgage.

Now I am due to lose my home as soon as the bank finds a buyer I have debt on top of dept because even though I was sick NO ONE not my sister, Friends or the relatives I helped when they needed it stepped up to help me. Now I have lost EVERYTHING. I still can't get out of bed. I was in a complete fog for half of 2015 2016 and honestly barely remember it. for the last six months I haven't even left my bedroom. I cry every morning when I wake up and cry myself to sleep at night. I cant watch any type of tv or even listen to music without getting upset or having an anxiety attack. I can't even read a book to try and escape anymore. Even trying to pretend for my brother doesn't work. I dont want him to think this is normal but I am so ashamed of the way my life has turned out and how I can no longer function that I often wonder would he be better off without seeing me like this even though I know even with my death my mother still wouldn't step up and be what he needs, But neither am I at this point.

I'm sorry that I basically just typed my life out for strangers but I needed for someone, anyone to just listen to the whole thing and not have to worry about them looking at me like I have the plague and they need to escape asap. Or to turn what I have to say about them. I worked so hard for so long to be someone my brother (and myself) could be proud of and now I feel like an utter failure.

Even if no one reads this at least I tried.

sad

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41938
   Posted 4/27/2017 12:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mae82... Welcome to the forum. We also have a Lyme's forum if you are interested. I have fibromyalgia and your symptoms sound similar to mine. I suggest you work on disability. Do you go to any type of counseling? I am sorry you are stuck taking care of your mother. I took care of mine for a long time too and my health made me stop. I ended up being a diabetic at 28 and couldn't do it anymore. I suggest you talk to somebody so you can have a life.. You wont regret what you have done for your brother in any way. But now it is time to work on you.

I hope you find some light on this subject. I am sorry for what you are going through. Your mother is very selfish and immature. I am sorry you got the wrath of all of it, plus some.

Hang in there and keep posting. I am up early as we had a thunderstorm and my dog is scared. I am going back to bed though. I hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7180
   Posted 4/27/2017 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the forum

Life has a way of overwhelming us, when all we do is try to do the right thing by people.

What you have done, will make you stronger. You are a courageous, tenacious and smart person. Just look how far you have come in jobs. I am proud of you and I do not even know!

Your family and 'friends' are not the only people you can reach out to for help. If you are in a dark place or feel like life is not worth it any more, call a crisis help line, [SEE OUR RESOURCE THREAD AT TOP OF FORUM] or call 911.

10-14 days in and in-patient facility may be what you need. Social workers will help with medicaid, and the direction to start disability. They may even help with the living situation.

Point is you MUST take care of yourself before you have a complete breakdown. You can not do anything for anyone, even yourself, if you don't take care.

You reached out for help here. Great start. Now, call your doctor, call crisis there are people out there that care and will help. Honestly.

Let us know what is happening, we listen and support the best we can.
Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 4/27/2017 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Mae82:

It's good that you reached out for help.

That's why I joined this website. Things were getting too tough for me without trying to get some help.

it is a shame that you have this college level skill, and are not able to use it. I weep for you, also.

Yu say, "I still can't get out of bed. I was in a complete fog for half of 2015 2016 and honestly barely remember it. for the last six months I haven't even left my bedroom. I cry every morning when I wake up and cry myself to sleep at night. I cant watch any type of tv or even listen to music without getting upset or having an anxiety attack. I can't even read a book to try and escape anymore. Even trying to pretend for my brother doesn't work"

You truly have a lot on you.

Even after you were treated for Lyme disease, you are still perhaps have some of the effects of that? Is that one of the signs of Lyme disease, being tired?

As was mentioned above, have you looked at the Lyme Disease forum of this website, and see what others are saying about that. Do you have the strength to do that?

And with crying every morning, can you see a doctor or psychiatrist about that? I was crying in front of my psychiatrist, and she said that was a sign of depression.

So, have you ever seen a psychiatrist? At least to get diagnosed to see what condition you may have.

You do have a lot of difficult situations. But there are a lot of things you can do. Can you check to see about a psychiatrist?

Can you check the Lyme forum on this website to see what others say about that? Others may be having a difficult time with that also, and may have some information for you. But you're not going to know, unless you check the Lyme forum.

Also as mentioned above, can you check about disability? I know from experience, that can take a long time, so the sooner you get started with that, the better.

You might need to get a lawyer you get that. They will get a certain percentage of the lump sum, but it could be considered fair. I think they're not even allowed to get over a certain percentage of your lump sum. So I would start applying.

You should be given an award for all that you've done. You're one of the best people who've ever lived.

Something that's helped me fairly recently is trying to stay positive going into a problem, which improves the chances of solving it.

And, "One problem at a time, and be positive about that problem."

I think if you could get over this physical and emotional problems, you'd be in a lot better shape. There are medicines out there that can help these things.

Again, it's great that you reached out for help.

Mae82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/28/2017 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for replying.

I have been to several therapist/psychiatrist in the past and have not had a good experience. I barely get into few sessions before they seem more overwhelmed than I do. It's as if they don't know how to help so they try to shift the focus to something else. I had one complain that I smelled like smoke every time I showed up and that I needed to tell the person to stop smoking around me. Sounds like a normal request accept they made the ENTIRE session about how I needed to stand up to this person. (Mind you, this person was one of the few who helped me by rearranging their schedule JUST to take me). They had no problem stopping once I asked but the therapist wouldn't let it go. Then I had one who always made sure I paid ahead of time while we were in session. I don't know if it was me overreacting to this but I just couldn't continue I felt like how could someone genuinely care about anything to do with helping me when EVERY session started with making sure they had my check. It could just be me, I mean he had to eat to and pay bill but it just made me feel worse.

Before everything went to utter garbage in my life. I could feel myself getting worse I decided to try again. Maybe it was just me building my hopes up that I was older and wiser now and to give this person more of a chance but it still didn't work. The first session I thought just talk about how you feel now and what your dealing with at this moment, with having to take care of my mother and brother. No lie, by the time I was done she was literally speechless and said wow. I still went back though and started to try and keep it light but by this time even to my coworkers I LOOKED sick. (Which is ironic because through the years of being sick I got "You don't look sick" A LOT) Out of the blue one session she tried to diagnose me with an eating disorder. Now I'm not a small person I am almost 6 foot and at the time I was a size 22. Before getting sick I was a size 14. We never talked about my weight or how I felt about food ONCE. All of a sudden she wants me to go to these meetings and she keeps trying to talk about that instead of what I was dealing with. Even told me at one session that she didn't think she could help me. So that was the end of that and the beginning of a deeper depression.

When I first got sick I had to fight tooth and nail pretty much by myself with doctors who treated me like I was crazy or overreacting before they even ran test on me and because of my weight gain because of not be able to move or get out of bed EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE blamed my weight. Never mind that before that I went to the gym every morning and was healthy and happy before all this. And if it wasn't the weight it was depression and I just needed antidepressants. I haven't even mentioned the chronic migraines that took what little function I had left. I had doctors cut me off in the middle of me explaining what I been dealing with tell me flat out, "Well that's not why" or " No that's not right".

Thinking about everything that I had to go through and fight for just to get help (which took me almost three years!) I honestly don't have it in me. I can't even hold any type of conversation without crying or having an anxiety attack with any of my family. Hell, I have a panic attack and feel sick to my stomach when the phone rings. Maybe I really am crazy this time, I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm on this forum I'm not asking any questions or anything and just needing to get this out at least once with people who I can't see so I don't feel like a failure/loser and don't have to worry if I have an anxiety attack or crying in the middle of typing. I have just changed into this being that is completely foreign to me. I can't trust my own body which is nothing new but this is a whole new low. I keep thinking of how happy I USE to be and how hard I worked through what always seemed like sabotage by mom (wanted to both control and force me to take care of her) and others that I was able to accomplish what I did. I was so happy and proud of myself and now it was ALL for nothing because in the end I have lost everything.

What was the point.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 4/28/2017 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your reply.

You said, "And if it wasn't the weight it was depression and I just needed antidepressants"

Did you ever get any anti-depressants?

Do you still have a psychiatrist?

Do you feel like you can improve some of these problems?

There are medicines for depression. Have you ever taken any? Did they help you?

You have been through a lot. It's good that you reached out for help.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41938
   Posted 4/28/2017 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I gained weight after fibromyalgia too. I was thin before it. I believe it was because I couldn't be as active as I was before, plus maybe antidepressants.

Does the therapist think you are doing emotional eating or something? Is that why she wants you to work on that? It does happen. Maybe she thinks you are eating the wrong kind of foods. I have done that before. I wouldn't totally dismiss this if you feel it could help in some way. It would be like self nurturing which I am sure is hard for you to do but yet so important. Like taking a shower. Form of self nurturing. One of the hardest things for me to do, but I feel so good afterwards. Just kind of thinking...

I think it is good to get things out. Even if you don't get replies. Just to write. Maybe you need to start a journal??? That alone helps a lot of people. I am not good at it myself. I start but then forget to enter things. I eventually stop doing it.

I hope that things get better for you. I think living by yourself would be the ticket. To get some privacy and piece of mind. Though you are probably use to the others being there. You can get a restraining order on her. She would have to go somewhere else. This is up to you to do though, to be able to get your life back the way you want it.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mae82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/28/2017 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I was on cymbalta originally for pain help but with my home life my doctor up the dosage and it pretty much turned me into a walking zombie. I was on the highest dosage then I told her I wanted to stop because I Would just come home, sit and stay there for hours just zoned out. Only problem was by then I couldn't stop because of the withdrawals. I don't understand how they didn't tell me how I wouldn't be able to stop them before prescribing them. I never would have started. Fast forward two years n I am still withdrawing after weaning myself off.

I feel like on top ALL MY issues I no longer trust anyone. I want to but every time I've done what a doctor has told me to do I ended up worse off. It's been really hard to take any kind of step. Shoot, my doctor was the one who convinced me to leave my job saying I would get disability. She made it sound like it was the right thing to do. That I would be able to finally focus on my health. Instead I was denied, made to feel like an idiot n degenerate by social services n disability (despite working full time my entire life since 17). Sunk into the deepest depression of my life, losing my home and self worth along with my self as a person.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to see anyone because of this new person I've become. I was always so strong and focus before But nothing prepared me for losing my health and having no one to help me. I was my own advocate in the beginning but now I just can't do it anymore. With the constant pain and fog with this depression, it's just swallowed me up.

As for the eating that was one thing I did focus on due to my migraines n Lymes I made sure I ate healthy, that n I wanted my brother healthy. I initially went along with the therapist suggestions but then she was like " I don't think I'm the therapists for you" so that was the end of that. I'm ashamed to say I don't even cook anymore. That is the one thing my mother will do, I mean she has to eat too. I can't drive anymore because of losing focus n forgetting where I was going n why. The most shameful thing for me (can't believe I'm writing this) is I can't even take showers anymore. As if everything else wasn't degrading enough. I would have a massive panic attack while showering every time. Now I Can't at all.

It is overwhelming. It's hard to work on one thing at a time when I'm constantly struggling with all these things on a daily basis.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1109
   Posted 4/28/2017 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
You say:

"I feel like on top ALL MY issues I no longer trust anyone. I want to but every time I've done what a doctor has told me to do I ended up worse off. It's been really hard to take any kind of step. Shoot, my doctor was the one who convinced me to leave my job saying I would get disability. She made it sound like it was the right thing to do. That I would be able to finally focus on my health. Instead I was denied, made to feel like an idiot n degenerate by social services n disability (despite working full time my entire life since 17). Sunk into the deepest depression of my life, losing my home and self worth along with my self as a person."

Sounds like you're blocking yourself out from your doctors, also. I've done that with my psychiatrists before.

How do they diagnosis you? Have you ever had any trauma?

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7180
   Posted 4/28/2017 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
As for the doctors.

There are always the unprofessional. But, you MUST be your own advocate and keep looking for one that works with you.

My experience. I have nerve damage in my head. simple diagnosis is complex migraines. Since 2006, I have had 9 Neurologist. One was great 4 years ago, he suddenly passed. Then I was transferred to a Headache clinic. They threw meds at the problem. didn't really care to maintain by pain to a level 5 or below. Wanted to stop it completely which is not possible.

Took me a year to get strong enough again, to look for another Neurologist. Found one, been with this one just over a year. Works well.

Point is, if the doctor or therapist is not helping, is rude, is not helping, YOU CAN LEAVE, and find one that will. THERE ARE PROFESSIONALS out there that care. Takes time to find them sometimes.

I know how hard, frustrating and hopeless it feels. But I also know you can find someone.

As for panic attacks. Use Ice. Hold the ice till it hurts. It will bring down your emotions to a manageable level.

YOU can take a shower! If or when you feel a panic attack coming on, turn the water to cold.
Stand there and take it! It was break the attack up! Breathe, slow in, slow out.

Then turn the water back to warm.

You have to use the anger to fight the depression that is holding you down. This is the same as letting your mother win in destroying you. I can stay this only because, my mother sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me until I was 16.

Please try to shower, it will help break the ice on so many other things.

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41938
   Posted 4/29/2017 2:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Try a different therapist too. You cant' give up on yourself. Try a different medication too.
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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