Don't know I can do life anymore....

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AutumnEvangeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 5/18/2017 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm worried to be feeling this way, I've had anxiety and depression for 12 years now, it's been one thing after the other in terms of anxiety obsessive thinking. Even though when I look back there was something to appreciate in each time. I've always managed somehow, I had a psychologist I saw for about 11 years, best one I ever found but she's announced she's retired.

I've been stuck in uk for the past year and it has pushed my mental health as far as it can go, I was told 8months to see a psychologist and even longer for a psychiatrist. I'm going back to Australia next month, hopefully with no issues as I'm struggling to get my sons passport but I can't and won't survive here. It seems like no matter what I do, how much I try to get help, be positive, change my situations, I'm always depressed in the end no matter what. And unlike so many others I've known, I genuinely try best but it's never enough. Things that have happened in last year here have destroyed me and I feel like I don't want to be done with life but I feel helpless now, I've done 12 years of trying my best and I can't do it anymore.

I don't have the energy for it anymore, how much pain is enough to say ok I'm done now? I have a ten yr old son and I'm all he's got we are so close, I feel terrible but I can't deal with my mind or how I feel anymore.

Post Edited (AutumnEvangeline) : 5/18/2017 12:21:26 PM (GMT-6)


Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1101
   Posted 5/18/2017 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Are these events that are upsetting you going on in your life, inside of you, or both?

Have you always been depressed? What started it? Did you inherit it?

Aer you seeing a psychiatrist? Taking an anti-depressant?

I'd be depressed ,also, if I wasn't on an anti-depressant, Mirtazapine.

What are some of the events that getting you down?

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7174
   Posted 5/18/2017 12:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the forum.

There is a saying, "You never know how strong you are, until you have to be"

Reaching out here is a good thing. We listen and support. Just getting validation on your feelings sometimes is enough.

Yes, the world does not treat us well sometimes. Hard when you are not where you want to be.
My therapist tells me, "it is all grist for the mill". All experiences can teach us lessons if we take time to listen. Sometimes we don't see it for a couple of years.

There is a new app I found. INSIGHT TIMER. it is free. You don't like it, uninstall it.

There are guided meditations from christians, to the out right Buddha. Music for meditations or sitting quietly. Podcasts, on self-compassion. Handling stress. Working through hard times.
You can teach by subject. Book mark what you like so you have a go to list.

You are as strong as you let yourself be.

I have been working on self-compassion for 8mos. It has not been easy, however I am feeling better about life challenges and my stuff I have to go through. We all have stuff. That is why we understand how hard it is for you.

But, it is not going to last forever. You have plans to go home. Focus on the passport. One thing at a time.

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41916
   Posted 5/18/2017 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Do learn meditation and mindfulness. It really helps in situations like yours. It is something you can do for free and it gives you power of thinking. It slows the mind down a bit too which we all need.

I Hope you start feeling better soon. I hope you can get home soon too.

Hang in there, know we all care...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

AutumnEvangeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 5/18/2017 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi thanks guys, when I was living in Australia, my therapy would be all kinds of things, going to the beach, taking time out to visit nice places, going for drives. I haven't been able to do that here,the wheather alone was a source of healing for me. Our tickets are booked and my son has a uk passport but he's an Aussie citizen and just trying to sort it out in time if not I'll sort it once there but I can't continue in this place it's like hell after paradise.

Tim tam, I remember you messaged me a few months back, I was saying that I needed to see a psychiatrist but was afraid to take meds etc well anyway this crappy country has years waiting on seeing a psychiatrist so at least I tried. Ive never been on meds ever, im worried as I hear the side effects can make you even worse, more depressed etc I can't take anything anyway as I'm pregnant.

I hope I can get my head sorted when I get back, it's a worrying thought if I can't. One day at a time at the moment.
I think I'm just sick of being sick, life was simple when I was single, I would just manage, didn't have any expectations of me or pressure to feel better or normal I was just me. I've made some mistakes in the last year as I was vulnerable and finding it hard to deal with now. I'm sick of obsessing over things I hear and don't understand, I wish my mind was stronger than that, has had devasting effects. Just over trying, 12 years is a long time to try and get through stuff all the time. Just don't want to anymore.

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1101
   Posted 5/18/2017 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad you responded.

Yes, that does complicate things if you're pregnant and not wanting to take anti-depressants.

You say, "life was simple when I was single."

Are you married now?

You say, "Ive never been on meds ever, im worried as I hear the side effects can make you even worse, more depressed etc."

There is also a side effect of not taking anti-depressants, and that is, you'll probably stay depressed. At least, when you're not pregnant, you can try an anti-depressant and see which you like better.

You say, "I've made some mistakes in the last year as I was vulnerable and finding it hard to deal with now. I'm sick of obsessing over things I hear and don't understand"

I take an anti-depressant, Mirtazapine, and Lithium, a mood stabilizer I suppose. I have an idea of what you're talking about when you say, "finding it hard to deal with now."

If I wasn't taking those meds, I couldn't deal with now, either, or the future. As a bipolar, my mind would be going so fast I would be wanting time to speed up, but the meds slow down my mind to the speed of the clock. As for dealing with now, I would have trouble with that, also, probably. My mind would be going so fast in the manic stage, or so slow in the depressed stage, I couldn't deal with the present.

But the Lithium and the anti-depressant get my mind in synch with reality and the present.

You're going to have to assume some responsibility here, as you say, "Ive never been on meds ever, im worried as I hear the side effects can make you even worse, more depressed etc"

Medicines are available, and you're not even giving any of that a chance, and wondering what is the problem and who? To ignore that meds might help and go on with your agony, gets back to self-responsibility.

You could have taken care of yourself in UK, and you'll still have to take responsibility for yourself in Australia. You need to quit running around in circles and figure some of this out.

Implying you've done and said everything possible, and you haven't even tried medicine so you can't even say whether it helps or not, is hardly doing everything you can, except running from your responsibilities and from yourself.

You say, "12 years is a long time to try." 12 years of trying, and you didn't even try medicine? I'm glad you wrote and let everyone know that you're on this mission to avoid medicine. How would we have ever known?

You say, "I've had anxiety and depression for 12 years now, it's been one thing after the other in terms of anxiety obsessive thinking."

When I first took Lithium many years ago, it felt like the air had been let out of an over-inflated balloon. I never knew I was that uptight for that long. It was the greatest relief.

I hope you will consider at least trying meds.

Also what's helped me is trying to stay positive. "One problem at a time, and be positive about hat problem."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41916
   Posted 5/18/2017 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Do you think that with being pregnant, maybe your hormones could be coming into effect? I would try to relax as much as possible and not stress over things. You do have that choice. I know it can be frustrating but you will get through this and you will be back home soon. Keep hanging in there...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

AutumnEvangeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 5/19/2017 12:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Tim tam, for me the meds thing is just a last resort, I know many who have gone years and then gotten to the point where they will go on meds. I have gone in the past for meds but because I haven't been able to see a psychiatrist they can't prescribe me any. I went to do this but it's out of my control here, the health system in the uk is terrible and I wouldn't recommend anyone with mental health issues to live here. So like I said, I did actually try.

I went to the gp and explained and I actually did ask for medication but he said no as I'm pregnant. So in time I think I've reached the point where I will have to try it. I don't regret ever trying to do what I can for myself naturally, I've always managed actually but the lifestyle here doesn't provide that relief.

I'm pregnant but the problems and issues I've had regarding anxiety I have, have always been there regardless. I might explain it abit better later on. And no Tim I'm not married. I think I just find it easier dealing with my depression and anxiety on my own. I plan on seeing a psychiatrist when I get back to aus and hopefully sort things out from there.

AutumnEvangeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 5/19/2017 12:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Karen and Ive definitely been hanging in there. I might try and to some cleaning now and see if that helps...

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2184
   Posted 5/19/2017 3:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello and welcome.

Wow! I cannot imagine moving to another country! How brave! The most I've done was move to another State! It was as if they spoke another language. The foods were strange to me too. I felt so out of place.

Now, you have no beach to walk or anything else familiar to you. While it's not the same, I struggle with the seasons. I've started buying scented candles that remind me of spring and summer. The sense of smell is one of the strongest memory triggers. When I smell lilac or hyacinth, my mood lifts instantly. Freesia, roses, etc. are lifters too. Some candles smell like suntan lotion. I also have one that brings to mind a wood fire.

Eating 'summer foods' can be helpful for me as well. Oranges, watermelon, grapes...these are available year round now. "Fool" the brain. Dark chocolate contains a natural mood elevator. I eat a small amount every day, year round.

Buy a poster and hang it up where you will see it often. Throw some beach towels over the chairs! Wear your sandals in the house. Play a sound machine with ocean waves.

"Find your happy place." Do your best to recreate it, as much as possible.

I 'force' bulbs into bloom during the winter months. To see something green, growing and then blooming is a huge help for my mood. Caring for something besides myself is good for me.

Maybe some of these ideas will help you until you can be back home.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1101
   Posted 5/19/2017 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
You say,

"I plan on seeing a psychiatrist when I get back to aus and hopefully sort things out from there."

I think that's a good idea. How long are we talking about before we get to Australia?

I appreciate your explaining the situation. It's good that you reached out for help.

Let us know how this is going.

AutumnEvangeline
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 5/23/2017 9:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Pitmom thanks your message made me smile! I have always been a brave one but it gets tiring after a while I want to just settle down now and live a simple life.

Tim tam I'm going back next month in about four weeks!! Can't wait. I'll let you know how I get on. Xo

Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1101
   Posted 5/23/2017 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
"You are the master of your fate,

"You are the captain of your soul"

God speed you on your journey!
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