I know it's the Holidays and that makes the depression worse, I know alot of it's due to me not having a job..my boyfriend gave me money to buy him a couple presents! He built my kids a great computer setup for us to give to them. I should be happier about it but it's a low blow in my mind as I'm so used to always having a job and being the one that takes care of my family. My kids live with their dad 2 hours away. They are 15 and 18,and are busy. I'm glad they are busy,and having fun in life. But I feel like a deadbeat mom.
I never in a million years thought I would be getting ready to pay child support. A little history:
I divorced their dad 3 years ago. He was very abusive both physically and mentally. A total control freak,I couldn't even shut the bathroom door to take a long bath and he was sure I was doing something he didn't want me to. I never stepped out of my marriage,although he did several times. And as they say the cheater always tries to say the other person is cheating. I moved into my own apartment and for the first year it was great,I enjoyed my own life,working coming home and trying to learn how to be me again. The second year,when I realized that everything he had told me for 13 years was coming true (you will never make it on your own ect ect) I dropped deeper into the depression. Went to work,came home and when my kids were with him started drinking myself into a stupor and crying all night,or sleeping all day and not answering the phone. I broke one day and took 25 tranxene's. I was in my car at the park and while I was sitting there I had a "vision" of my daughter reaching her arm's out to me and telling me she needed me. I panicked and got out of the car and saw a park ranger who called an ambulance. I think having my stomach pumped and looking into my kid's eyes was enough for me to not ever try that again. I think about it,think about different ways to do it even. But I love my kids
I quit my good job due to a manager that they hired to disrupt the union. he yelled and screamed,threw chairs,punched employees,screamed and mentally abused his wife via the phone. My office was right next to his so I could not escape this. And got to the point to where I would throw up every morning just thinking about dealing with it. I told my boss several times about it,pleaded with him to at least move my office but nothing ever got done. I did get umemployement from that whole deal. Then a company found my resume over the internet and hired me to work from home for them. It was great! Awesome pay,they bought me a new computer,and paid me a good salary. Then boom one day he called and said he could not afford to keep the business. I got an eviction notice,went down hard for the depression and my kids decided that they wanted to live with their dad..this was all in the same month.
A few months earlier I had met my best friends nephew who is a year younger than me,and he decided that it was best that I move to his town.and here I am.
So, having all of that,not having a job and I'm either way up or wayyyyyyyy down. Last night I had 2 glasses of wine and my b/f wanted to go to his brother in law's to play pool and I just could not do it. As soon as I heard his car pull out of the drive I started bawling. Hard
I'm trying to keep in the spirits for him mostly. But it's a major struggle most days.
Don't worry about the world ending,it's already tomorrow in Australia!