I'm struggling and I think I'm going to break

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/24/2005 9:14 AM (GMT -6)   
I know it's the Holidays and that makes the depression worse, I know alot of it's due to me not having a job..my boyfriend gave me money to buy him a couple presents! He built my kids a great computer setup for us to give to them. I should be happier about it but it's a low blow in my mind as I'm so used to always having a job and being the one that takes care of my family. My kids live with their dad 2 hours away. They are 15 and 18,and are busy. I'm glad they are busy,and having fun in life. But I feel like a deadbeat mom.
I never in a million years thought I would be getting ready to pay child support. A little history:
I divorced their dad 3 years ago. He was very abusive both physically and mentally. A total control freak,I couldn't even shut the bathroom door to take a long bath and he was sure I was doing something he didn't want me to. I never stepped out of my marriage,although he did several times. And as they say the cheater always tries to say the other person is cheating. I moved into my own apartment and for the first year it was great,I enjoyed my own life,working coming home and trying to learn how to be me again. The second year,when I realized that everything he had told me for 13 years was coming true (you will never make it on your own ect ect) I dropped deeper into the depression. Went to work,came home and when my kids were with him started drinking myself into a stupor and crying all night,or sleeping all day and not answering the phone. I broke one day and took 25 tranxene's. I was in my car at the park and while I was sitting there I had a "vision" of my daughter reaching her arm's out to me and telling me she needed me. I panicked and got out of the car and saw a park ranger who called an ambulance. I think having my stomach pumped and looking into my kid's eyes was enough for me to not ever try that again. I think about it,think about different ways to do it even. But I love my kids
I quit my good job due to a manager that they hired to disrupt the union. he yelled and screamed,threw chairs,punched employees,screamed and mentally abused his wife via the phone. My office was right next to his so I could not escape this. And got to the point to where I would throw up every morning just thinking about dealing with it. I told my boss several times about it,pleaded with him to at least move my office but nothing ever got done. I did get umemployement from that whole deal. Then a company found my resume over the internet and hired me to work from home for them. It was great! Awesome pay,they bought me a new computer,and paid me a good salary. Then boom one day he called and said he could not afford to keep the business. I got an eviction notice,went down hard for the depression and my kids decided that they wanted to live with their dad..this was all in the same month.
A few months earlier I had met my best friends nephew who is a year younger than me,and he decided that it was best that I move to his town.and here I am.
So, having all of that,not having a job and I'm either way up or wayyyyyyyy down. Last night I had 2 glasses of wine and my b/f wanted to go to his brother in law's to play pool and I just could not do it. As soon as I heard his car pull out of the drive I started bawling. Hard
I'm trying to keep in the spirits for him mostly. But it's a major struggle most days.
Don't worry about the world ending,it's already tomorrow in Australia!

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 366
   Posted 12/24/2005 7:33 PM (GMT -6)   

You have a lot to be proud of, and so much to offer and be thankful for in your life. You will find a job, and a job isn't everything..it doesn't define who you are. Many people have jobs and are not happy. I think we forget to live in the present, and think we will be happy "if we get that job, or that promotion, or that new car, or make more money" etc..instead of forgetting to count the blessings in the here and now, and live in the moment. You are who you are on the inside, and you come on here when you are really down and struggling to help others. Heck, I think that is a job, or should be one..lol. Just kidding. You have children, a boyfriend (if my ex gave me money, he would make me feel guilty about it) and that is a lot more than I have. I am sitting here on Christmas eve alone with my two cats, no family around, no boyfriend, no nothing. So, see - you have it really good, and you will find a job..things are really tough right now since it is the holidays and it tends to magnify depression.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/25/2005 8:03 AM (GMT -6)   
I totally agree I see so many people that have so much but are not happy at all. My B/f's family are all very well off..nice house,nice cars ect. But they are not happy and always causing drama when we all get together. I was so worried about last night,but it turned out pretty good. And I played with his 2 year old nephew who makes me laugh as he's a tyrant! But it felt good to laugh and not worry about what the other's were freaking out about.
I'm sorry your alone on Christmas,I know that makes things so much worse. But,I think you'll also find a job and then next year you can visit your family.
One thing I've found too is pets help alot don't they?. I have been dog sitting for his parents for the last 10 days and it was nice,gave me a reason to take a walk which I need to do more often. The Holiday's are almost over Thank Goodness!
Don't worry about the world ending,it's already tomorrow in Australia!

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