Concerned: Longest and deepest depression of my life

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kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 7/12/2017 10:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello all. I am reaching out to hear your stories of recovery from the deepest and darkest of depressive episodes. I have had extreme anxiety (impending doom both real and imagined) and now I can barely get out of bed. I have ZERO energy or motivation. I lost myself. I moved further and further away in proximity but over the years with disabilities and interpersonal isolation, I fear I am a stranger even to myself now and I hate it.

Since this is the longest and deepest depression I have even had and I am not responding well to different medications, please share any words of encouragement, your success stories, your ongoing journey and of course any coping skills that have helped you. I live alone with 3 pets. I have limited income and no support network.

Thank you.

Marqi
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 7/12/2017 11:54 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry you are struggling with this. I am in my 2nd bout of depression and anxiety in my lifetime. The first time I suffered with this I was able to get a handle on it fairly soon. This time however it has been more difficult. I've had it over the top for going on 6 months now. I wake up in the mornings feeling doom lurking over me. It is very hard to shake through out the day. I find that if I make myself get up, take a shower, and fix my hair and makeup, then I can have a semi decent day. It's when I can't make myself get up when I have the worst days.
I'm not sure if I was any help to you, but sometimes just finding someone to chat with about how I'm feeling helps.
I have terrible medical insurance, and I did try several different dr's plus a physiatrist, and a psychologist when I first started feeling the seviere anxiety and depression. I felt like all they wanted was my money. Didn't seem like not one of them even tried to listen to my story, and what helped me get through it the last time. They all just wanted to write me a script for SSRI's which have never helped me. I ended up paying out of pocket close to $1,500.00 in all. I felt like that was nothing but a waste of money. I know I have to do this on my own. I'm.not saying Dr.s won't work for everyone. I've heard people's stories who have been put on SSRI's and they worked great. They just don't for me. If you haven't tried going that route, I would say to start there. I hope you can get to feeling better.. lots of love.. Margie

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 7/13/2017 3:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Margie. Your story sounds a lot like mine and I'm so sorry you are still going through one. I honestly think the pdocs "want" to help but are really just guessing. I did research on the best vitamins, mineral and Amino Acids so I am going to try that.

The single most disturbing part of my depression is never feeling like my brain has been turned on. It's always staring at a pile of stuff that needs to be done and saying "maybe tomorrow I will be able to do that.

Hugs, Kelly

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41931
   Posted 7/13/2017 3:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh how I can relate to staring at a pile of stuff and thinking, hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. And never do... It still sits there.

Marqi, have you tried SNRI's? They work better for me than SSRI's. Less side effects.

I think I was lucky in getting a good Pdoc. He is very smart. Sad thing is he and my psychologist are going to retire soon and then I have so search another one out. Oh well, I guess I should be happy with the 15 years I have had with them. They have helped me a lot.

I hope you both have a good day. KellyinCali and Marqi...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2186
   Posted 7/13/2017 4:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I will try to give the abbreviated version of my experience.

I had stopped using the depressant, alcohol, for about 5 months. My divorce was finalized and then 2 days later, my mother (who we lived with) died and the house was to be sold. Grief plunged me into the deepest depression of my life! I asked one of my sober friends to stay with me and after a few weeks of me not getting off the couch, my friend (bi-polar) looked at me one day and said, "You're scaring me...go see a doctor!"

I did. I was put on Paxil which helped clear my head enough to function better. After a couple of months, I started to experience bad side effects and had to come off the meds.

A few years and several injuries and surgeries later, I had to go back on anti-depressants. This time we tried Cymbalta which also helped for a couple of months before more side effects.

Through this all I have used a simple 'technique' that rarely fails me. Get a kitchen timer that ticks. Set it for 15 minutes. Lay in the bed and listen to the ticking. Cry, scream into the pillow, whatever. Feel what you're feeling and realize it's NOT killing you after all. Breathe. When the timer goes off, get up! Wash your face. Wash the dishes in the sink, sweep the floor, start some laundry (pick one). When finished with the chore, reset the timer if needed. Repeat throughout the day. In this way, I keep my depression from ruling the whole day. I keep my chores from becomming overwhelming.

I pick out music that has a quick beat and happy memories associated with it and blast it. Sing along, dance a little. Exercise gets the endorphins going.

I eat a bit of dark chocolate every day as it has mood elevating properties in it. The purer and darker, the better. Do a bit of research as to it's origin though. Some bad chemicals may have leached into the cocoa plants and if you're sensitive to them it may backfire.

I tend to look at whatever anxious thoughts I'm having and 'think it through' the 'worst case scenario. For instance, when my son was in Iraq I couldn't help have 'doom' thoughts. So, I mentally planned his funeral. I know it sounds macabre but, it was cathartic for me. The reality was, after all, that I might have had to actually do this. Happy to say he came home, safe if not 'sound'. Now, I can help him with his p.t.s.d.

I hope some of this is helpful to you as I know how deep the black hole can go. Keep posting. It helps.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 7/13/2017 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the replies. smile

Pitmom, I will definitely try the kitchen timer routine. I live alone and I am on disability and I live in the High Desert in Cali. I have limited income so I can't even afford cable TV. I do have Netflix though. Before my depression, I went through MAJOR stress and upheaval. I basically had to move "wherever" I could to keep a roof over mine and my (rescue) pets head. That was my one and only criteria. It took me 5 months to unpack even though I had all the time in the world.

It's interesting that you mentioned visualizing your Son's funeral. Just last week I took my 16 1/2 year old dog into the vet thinking it was "time." He no longer wished to be with me on my bed (heartache) and he was laying in "corners" of the apartment. It turns out he has Dementia. He doesn't always know who I am or where he is but he does enjoy his treats and about every 3rd day or so he feels like going for a walk. I had been "dreading" this day for years as I've watched the decline in his heath. As someone with a username "pitmom" I'm certain you can understand. I love the Pitties! You are very strong to be able to allow yourself to "go there." I spend most of my life *avoiding* triggers. I call it "existing."

Marqi
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 7/18/2017 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Are you feeling any better Kellyinca?

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 7/23/2017 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Marqi, thank you for checking on me. Sorry for the late response. I posted in the "daily check in."

//Hi everyone. I have been going through the stay in bed, hide from the world, I'll face that tomorrow (broken record). When I do get up, I have tears in my eyes. I don't sob, just feel sad and lost. My dog is 16 1/2. He h//as Dementia now. I am on disability and barely scrape by. I moved an hour and half away to the High Desert in California. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I have no friends. My sleep schedule is completely upside down and my arms and legs feel like lead weights. the smallest piles of "stuff" feel overwhelming to me, yet I know tackling them would make me feel better. I am scared of growing old in this world. It's a mess. I am a sensitive introvert. I'm not a young bar hopper and my life doesn't (can't) revolved around children and grand children. I can't imagine a "happy" future. I want to but it seems sooooooo far away. How will I build it? When will I be well? When will all the set backs stop? Is this life worth living? I feel so sad.

pitmom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2186
   Posted 7/24/2017 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Did you get a timer yet?
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41931
   Posted 7/24/2017 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Give yourself permission to just chill out and not think for a few minutes a day. Maybe that is what pitmom is talking about the timer. Do something for a few minutes and then relax.

I hope that you feel better real soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 7/27/2017 1:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Pitmom, I have not purchased a ticking timer yet but it's on my list.

Pitmom and Karen, I try to get up after each episode of the sit com I am binge watching now (no triggers) "How I met your Mother" to do a little bit. I feel out of control inside and when I feel that way I want to control my external environment. Generally speaking, I am clinically depressed and I'm going to post soon about the Meds roller coaster I am on, for advice, because I'm pretty much frozen in fear of taking so many meds and wonder what my poor brain and Central Nervous System is going through while on this roller coaster. I can't take narcotics for pain (I will just vomit) but I am also extremely likely to get many of the horrible "side effects" of drugs. As you know, I got the rare but painful (and potentially fatal) Lamictal rash. I've had no luck with new meds. I just seem to suffer the side effects. sad

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41931
   Posted 7/27/2017 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I think once you learn you can't control the external environment, you will be able to relax. It sounds strange but once you give up trying to control everything, your mind is much calmer.

I love the sit coms too. I watch as many as I can. They are short so I don't need a long attention span. And they are funny so I let go and laugh. I love to laugh...

Hope you have a great day. Let us know about the meds. I take a combo too.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Marqi
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 7/28/2017 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kellyincali.. I can relate to most of how you are feeling, although I have my husband around. I still feel very lonely. We also moved from living close to family and friends to having no one around. I really don't have friends either. What few friends I did have are distant now that I've become depressed, and have the anxiety. I feel like they think I am crazy. I am worried about the future as well. I don't feel like I can work like I used to. I don't want to get out of bed. I hate taking meds, and at this point I will not be able to see a Dr again because we can not afford it. I also cannot see a happy future.
I wish I could offer some good advice. I actually joined here so I could see and hopefully learn from others how to cope. I do think it helps to get your feelings out, and see others replying with good thoughts, and well wishes, along with lots of good advice from experience. I've tried meditation, deep breathing, exercise, and mantra's. They just don't seem to work for me although I have never been consistent.
I hope you keep posting here. I am hoping this is temporary, and will get better with time. I wish we lived closer, we could help each other get up and out to do things.
Hope your day is good.. Margie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41931
   Posted 7/28/2017 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Think about being able to control your depression with meditation and mindfulness rather than medication. There is always that chance Marqi. Keep practicing it. When practicing, you are actually doing it. Don't give up. This is something that could be within your control and that is a powerful thing.

I hope you all feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Marqi
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 49
   Posted 7/29/2017 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen, thanks for the advice. I really did take your message to heart. I have been practicing mindfulness. It is still a struggle, but I do feel like I am making some progress. One day at a time, right?

Kellyincali, I hope you are doing well. I didn't mean to take over your post. I just really didn't know what to say in making a post of my own. I guess I feel more comfortable writing about myself once someone else starts the convo. Hopefully Karen's advice can help you as well. I am going to go read the daily thread when I'm done here. Maybe it's something I can get into as well.
Take Care.. Marqi

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 8/12/2017 11:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Margie - Where about in the world do you live? Sometimes I do wish I could be "real life in 3D friends" with some of the wonderful people who live in my computer. It is hard to make new friends when we get older (I am 53) and especially someone who understands depression...someone who encourages positive thinking but understands depression is an illness and recovery from wounds is a process. Too many people expect me to be "the best of me" so I often feel lonely even when I'm not alone. Sometimes, we need someone to just be kind and encouraging and point out the things we are doing "right" as it is so hard to do for ourselves most of the time.
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