I have never posted to a forum before but I'm desperate.
I am suffering from depression, anger build up and a very low self esteem. My wife's solution is to tell me "just be happy". If only it were that easy. The following is a little about what set me fourth in this downward spiral, it was written more to get it off my chest and for insight. If you don't feel like reading it, to sum it up, I suffer from the before mentioned depression based items. Thank you in advance for your time and God Bless!
To start, I was married for ten years with three beautiful girls. Seven years into the marriage I discovered that my wife had been cheating on me and ended up pregnant. This was a bit of a shot since I thought we were happily married and living the American Dream. (Her being a stay home mom and me working two different jobs seven days a week to make ends meet). Short version of the story, I told her to have the baby and no one would have to know it wasn't mine. To my disbelief, I came home from work a few days after finding out about this and she wasn't home yet. She had dropped our three daughters off at their grandparents and told them she was running errands. Several hours later when she returned home she just started crying and told me she had gotten an abortion.
She never apologize about the affair and I had to promise to never bring it up again or she would leave. To this day I have held up my end of the bargain. Three years after the affair, we went on a cruise to Mexico to celebrate our ten year anniversary. She invited five of her closest girl friends and this puzzled me a little since it was our anniversary and I didn't care for most of these girls. Two of them had cheated on their husbands and divorced and the other three were currently having affairs on their husbands. Well our ship docked in Mexico for six hours before returning to Texas. When we set foot on Mexican soil, she turned to her friends and said "I'm going to tell him" then she turned to me and said I want a divorce. Once again, I was blown away. Her intentions were for me to stay in Mexico and never get back on the boat. I had always told her that if we had not married I was going to move to Mexico and open a scuba shop in Cozumel. I guess she thought she would let me go and I could live my dream. She didn't take in to consideration that I now had three girls that my world revolved around.
about me, I know very limited Spanish I am white and yes I would have moved to Mexico before I met her. She and I grew up together In atown of about one thousand people. So yes we knew each other pretty well. When I was twenty I came home from college and went to a party in town, she was there with her boyfriend who was very abusive to her. He told her "go get my jacket and bring me a beer". I thought to myself, she deserves better than that so I followed her to the car and said I would like to take her to dinner some time. She never made it back with his jacket or beer. We spent the rest of the night setting on the tailgate of my truck talking. I graduated in '93 with a full ride football scholarship and voted most handsome, Mr. THS, most likely to succeed, and most athletic. I was a great actor because everyone else saw those qualities but inside, I could not stand my self. I felt very ugly on the inside.
I know my story is jumping from around but I'm just trying to fill you in on everything.
Anyway, I got back on the ship for the three day cruise back home. Found my room key had been changed so I slept in the chairs by the pool at night and watched her flirt with guys during the day. VERY LONG THREE DAYS!!!!! We got back to our home town, after a three hour silent drive home, and she ask me to drop her off at our house then to take her friends and drop them off. After doing that, I returned home and all my clothes were on the driveway. Doors to the house were locked and she was gone to her parents to get the kids. There was a note on top of my clothes that said I shouldn't be there when she got back. Now that my heart was completely destroyed I began the binge drinking pity party for myself. I had no friends to turn to, I always thought she was my one and only friend. I lived in my truck for two weeks. I would go down to the river each evening and bath and go to work the next day as if nothing had ever happened. I was too ashamed to tell my business partners what had happened. One evening before my river bath, I got a phone call from an old friend. He ask how I was and I told things were great. He said my soon to be ex-wife had called him and ask him to check on me since she wasn't sure where I was. Now that someone finally knew the truth about my ruined marriage, I caved cried like a baby and I don't cry. Six weeks later the divorce was final. Six weeks after that she was remarried. Yes I saw my kids every chance I could and ended up with joint custody.
My inner mind keeps telling me that I'm a failure that it's my fault.
The only time I have a real smile is around my kids and when talking to people at church, I smile but it isn't real. I have extremely low self esteem! I have a successful business, my oldest daughter just graduated and is going to vet school, my twin girls will be juniors in high school. I have been remarried for five years now (to an alcoholic but that's is another story).
Why do I hate my life so badly?
I am always told how handsome I am
I am very physically fit
I enjoy my career
That's how others see me.
I see myself very different.
I suffer depression, low self esteem, I'm a recluse, I refuse to have friends, I almost never chose to talk on the phone, I avoid my parents, I chose a profession that I work for myself and never have to deal with others, I am the most outgoing introvert there is, I am always jealous of people who laugh and have fun it almost makes me mad, I have a terrible temper (road rage, to my family, ect....)
PLEASE HELP, what steps do I take to overcome this insanity I live in?
I am a very big Christian and I pray for help. I ask that if your a fellow Christian, that you pray for me and if your not, I will pray for you.
Thank you for you time!!!