You're story touched me very much. I want to say something that will help, but right now all I can say is, do what I did, get the yellow pages, and look under "Ministries" first and call every one, asking the question of the title of this thread and if that doesn't work, go to "Churches" in the yellow pages and call all of them, doing the same thing.
I used to live in the North, so there were not as many ministries or churches up there who had access to Licensed Counselors or Psych.s, but now down south, there are plenty. And ministries that help in almost any way.
I can relate on most every issue you've confessed, and now, even if I had the money, I would still do what I recommended above.
Your advise to focus on helping others, is the only thing I can offer for right this minute and until you can get the help you should have.
You're not dead and dried up inside as far as this Forum is concerned and I saw that you have a heart for others still, just yesterday.
Please know that HE Loves you and that's the direction for healing.
Until you can forgive them, just don't say anything.
The important thing about "rage" is to nip it in the bud, as soon as you feel it coming. When we give into it, "that" is when the chemistry gets rolling that causes us to get verbally out of control. Realize, that "letting lose your anger" will not profit you when you are alone or 'at' people, etc., but only if you're with a good counselor and they let you to 'let 'er rip' in front of them.
Above all else, avoid getting 'physical' if you do get angry ... walk away till you can calm those angry chemicals back down.
Again: Better to nip it in the bud though. As soon as the first angry 'thought' comes to your mind ... distract yourself some how, or come on here and read about these physically sick folks who are making it some how or post something from yourself.
It's not safe to think that the chemicals are always "controlling us" ... we always have that "one second" to 'decide' how to "react". It only takes that second to "choose" how you'll respond.
I heard on the radio not too long ago, that there are two "theories" about these "chemicals". One says the "chemicals make us how we think or are" and the other Research says "the 'thoughts' come first, which trigger the chemicals" ....... I have studied both theories for 28 years and "lived it" and I hold to the 2nd belief system with all of my heart, soul and mind. I'm a living proof, in every way you can name. Genetically, History, and presently, Encephalopathy and Organic brain syndrome, also situational stuff, etc. the classic text book of "no way could this person be stable."
I've had PTSD also and if I had 'accepted it', I could say, I "inherited" something psychotic too. But a "good" Psychiatrist told me, we have a "choice" how to cope with things and that we do not "have to" develop whatever family history we have.
I asked him, why two people with the same background, etc. can be so different. One who "loses it" and one who won't ... and he said, "The line between sanity and insanity is in how a person "chooses" to cope"
It would take a book to prove all of this out, but I am just one of many others who have learned that school of thought of psychiatry that "chooses" a balanced life.
Our "choices" are second by second sometimes. But seconds add up to minutes, that add up to hours, then days, ....................... etc. to a "Life".
You take good care of you, and know my heart and prayers go with you.
I hope the yellow pages serve you well also.
Love to you,