Been hurting for a while...

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/10/2017 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
..but new to trying to share about it

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since an early childhood trauma.

Ive come to terms with some of it, sorting out other parts and still refusing to accept some of it.

Its become a part of me, it always will be and i do accept that.

To deal, I smoke weed. It helps me avoid certain feelings and thoughts sometimes and though maybe that doesn't help me grow, some days its just nice to get by.

Lately though i feel like its been having some undesired psychological and maybe even physical effects on me.

In joining this forum Im hoping to seek out more information and others with a similar experience to , i dunno, help me figure out what to do at this point.

Also, I'm hoping to give starring another shot because, well, its ****ing lonely sometimes.

Anyway, thats a little bit of me. Thanks for letting join the forum

Cleverbot (p.s. im not a cleverbot, i just used to chat with one for hours back in college. We got along pretty good sometimes)

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 395
   Posted 8/10/2017 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
machineboy said...
I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since an early childhood trauma.

I've come to terms with some of it, sorting out other parts and still refusing to accept some of it.

Its become a part of me, it always will be and i do accept that.

Hi - I've quoted a part of your post because that's the part I can identify with. Probably not much can be done with the small amount of information you provided, but I do know what it's like to have an early experience come back into your conscious mind, and looking back, suddenly a lot of pieces begin to fit together. It's like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle having never seen the picture on the box, and only being able to see the blank backs of the pieces. Furthermore, there are no edge or corner pieces to give you a place to start.

Personally I came from a very good, loving family, however even the most conscientious parents cannot be there all the time. Kids do stuff and things happen, often accidentally. I believe that I was seriously injured at a very young age, and I now realize that my older sibling who is now gone may have lived a life full of guilt and remorse because of what happened. My family probably assumed that I did not remember any of it. But I do and always have had vivid glimpses of what happened. I have tried talking about it but because I know so little about what actually happened that it becomes a frustrating experience. And everyone else involved is dead now, so I will never know.

But I understand what you are saying about how it has affected your entire life. As an example, and this is not my story, but just an example, a baby whose mother used to play with him with her feet may grow up with a foot and shoe fetish. It was a simple thing, but the child grows into an adult knowing that he (or she) has this strange, unexplainable compulsion. At some point they become aware that there are others in this world who have the same obsession. And it distracts from them enjoying a fulfilling life.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, but just to let you know that whatever you are experiencing, there are probably others who have been down the same road. My wife read a book and we saw the movie together called The Shack. The movie was about God, but I saw it as the story of a man who was haunted by something from his past. Please do continue to share and maybe give us a little more information about yourself. I have only begun posting here in recent months and still only recognize only a few of the names here. But everyone has a story to tell.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41937
   Posted 8/10/2017 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Machineboy,

I read your post on chronic pain and I see you use the marijuana for pain. I would like to suggest you look for marijuana with more CBD's in it. It is what is used for pain. I don't know if you use medical marijuana or if you just smoke. But we can only talk about it in a medical sense on here.

I wouldn't use it to avoid things. Though for me it slows my thinking down a little and it helps with depression. But it may not work that way for everybody.

If you feel undesirable effects, I would step back a little or maybe cut back some. But don't do something to yourself that has those effects.

What is starring? I am not familiar with the term.

How old are you? I am just curious.

Often with childhood trauma, it is easier to deal when you are able to accept. I found dwelling on it does no good. Often things just kind of work themselves out when the time is right.

Do you have a therapist? They can help a lot. Especially with childhood trauma. I highly recommend it.

Take things one day at a time. That is the easiest route.

Hugs, Karen...

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2015
Total Posts : 2186
   Posted 8/10/2017 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the forum. There is something to be said about the anonymity here, online. Know that you are among friends here. Share what you feel comfortable sharing. We're always here to listen.
multiple surgeries for rotator cuff both shoulders with residual chronic impingement syndrome, ulnar nerve transposition, carpal tunnel release, wrist ganglionectomies/denervectomies/tenolysis, multiple herniated discs, tarlov cyst, whiplash, bursitis of hips, tendonitis, torus, 3rd degree shoulder separation, torn labrum, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors of the uterus

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 8/11/2017 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello to everyone here,

I decide to open a thread here based on some recommendations from a few other members. I was surprised by the amount of response I got. I was honestly expecting to be more anonymous. I didn't realize anyone was really listening or anything

After collecting myself Im here to try again.

@pitmom thank you for your kind words, they are very welcoming and i appreciate this, especially coming from you as i see youve been so though so much already. I don't even know to begin sharing as openly as you but I'm here and thank you for having me. Im surprised by it still but my T says thats okay and to stick with it

@karen i revisited my post in Chronic Pain to clear up some of what id shared. I do have an MJ prescription for pain and other 'things' I'm not so ready to share about yet. Thanks for the tip about CBD's. A friend of mine made the same recommendation and brought me some which feels different in a good way but he also got me this vaporizer for herbs as well. its been a week that I've been using both now and i feel really different. although I'm not sure if its the MJ or the new way I'm in-taking it. Do you have any experience with this, or is there a better place to post about this to ask? I consume about .10 grams twice a day but up to .4 grams on a heavy usage day or when i was being reclusive. its been a week and i haven't felt really low that way yet. Im not sure if this information helps

starring=sharring typo sorry

I don't feel comfortable sharing my age here, partially because the internet but also because I don't want to be seen as just my age. I can tell you that I'm older that 21 but younger than 30 i hope thats okay.

I do have my T but i also have some reoccurring issues that affect my sleep. the MJ helps with this a lot.

i feel so many things are happening right now i have no idea where to begin. My dads friend and a friend of the family for as long s can remember is succumbing to alzheimers. its been getting worse over the years but this year there was an incident. he's in a home now and he's never leaving or will be living on his own (with caretaker) again.
he's doesn't even recognize my dad anymore and calls him by other names.

My little brother is bi-polar. his mom (step mom) is diagnosed schizophrenic. she doesn't live with them anymore. she's in mexico with her family. they look after her. My dad and brother live together and i live on my own now. but i try to check on them when i can, and also when i can take it. i was visiting them more after i had my accident because i had more time. but also made me really emotional which is why i think i was smoking so much. at least this is what my T helped me figure out.

Anyway, everyone is adult and i need to focus on being okay myself which is what my T says but i feel really bad about seeing my brother do nothing and my dad letting him be that way.

I think i have to stop here for now.

the mj helps and I'm pretty sure its the only thing letting me type right now

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41937
   Posted 8/11/2017 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I am glad that the mj helps you. I think it helps me a lot with depression too. I use it for pain though, that is what my card is for. Here we have medical marijuana cards that we have to carry.

I am glad you found some with more cbd's. Sometimes there is less thc in it when the cbd's are higher. But it works so well for pain. I also found making a salve with oil and coconut oil is real good. It is a topical salve and works well for pain...

I don't blame you if you have things you don't wish to share. It is your decision and maybe in time, you will feel differently. I don't share everything myself.

I am glad you are feeling better. You are still young. Enjoy as much of life as you can....

Have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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