Depression/ Derealization (if you can call it that, unsure)

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Priusboy
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/11/2017 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
First post on this website.

TLDR- I have an obsessive fear that the world isn't real. It's hard to know if I believe in this idea (solipsism) or not, because if I did fully embrace it I don't believe that I would be afraid of it/ feel intuitively like something is wrong.

Backstory: Tripped on LSD two months ago, have never had any history of mental illness, got horribly depressed after the trip and started encountering this thought. I am obsessed with this thought, and think about it almost every second of the day. It's incredibly distressing, but I've started to develop habits to cope: spending time with family, seeing friends, running every day, exercising whenever I can, playing music. The power of the thought is definitely lessening-- I'm not as scared of it as I once was but I am exhausted by it: why do I obsess? It's so freaking annoying etc.

Counterthoughts that have helped me:

There's zero proof of this thought to hold any weight.

I've lived 24 years of NEVER believing or feeling this way, this is obviously not how I'm "supposed" to feel.

If this reality was fake, does it really matter? If I'm still able to love the people around me and feel emotion towards them, then this is as REAL as I need it to be.

Prior to this "thought" I was almost always happy, which is something that in retrospect I have realized I took for granted 100%. This my first venture into depression and mental health issues and it is truly terrifying.

Would love some guidance or assistance with this/ if anyone has any similar thoughts/ feelings and how they were able to overcome. Need to beat this.

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6089
   Posted 8/11/2017 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome, PriusBoy. It sounds as if your experience tripped a little more than you expected.

Does it matter if we are real or not? Nope. We can only base our opinion of reality on our experience of the world. You have relationships with those in the world, so that ought to prove to you that you do,in fact, experience something.

However, acid use is unpredictable. They depend on the amount taken, the person’s mood and personality, and the surroundings in which the drug is used. It is a roll of the dice—a racing, distorted high or a severe, paranoid low. And once the trip starts, you cannot get off. And that trip will keep coming back--like the bad pictures from high school you hate.

Extreme changes in mood, anywhere from a spaced-out “bliss” to intense terror, are also experienced. The worst part is that the LSD user is unable to tell which sensations are created by the drug and which are part of reality.

Some LSD users experience an intense bliss they mistake for “enlightenment.” Others experience severe, terrifying thoughts and feelings, fear of losing control, fear of insanity and death, and despair while using LSD

Taken in a large enough dose, LSD produces delusions and visual hallucinations.

The ability to make sensible judgments and see common dangers is impaired.

Many LSD users experience flashbacks, or a recurrence of the LSD trip, often without warning, long after taking LSD.
Ulcerative Colitis 2003, Fibromyalgia DX 2005, Crohn's 2013, Enteropathic arthritis, 2013. Family History of Fibro--2 out of 3 siblings diagnosed. Started SCD-June 2013. *There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who see the glass as half-full, ones who see the glass as half-empty, and others who see a big crack in the side which is leaking all over their %$#@# foot

Priusboy
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/11/2017 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Myself 09, thanks for reaching out!

Yep, the LSD trip was certainly more than I anticipated and I definitely experienced the feeling of "will this ever end". That being said, I will say that I definitely don't feel like I'm still on the drug? It's more that this drug unearthed an obsessive part of my personality that has always been there but never been a problem.

I don't hallucinate, don't hear things, etc. There are no light trails, and I can "pretend" to be 100% normal around the people I'm with and at points do FEEL "normal" (whatever normal means). It's tricky. I've never felt so out of control and sane simultaneously. If I were to forget about this one recurring thought then I would imagine myself returning to my usual self, it's just this thought that's really making me feel like I'm losing grip.

I'm wondering if this would be considered a "delusional thought"? If this is a psychotic symptom? I don't feel psychotic/ exhibit the symptoms of psychosis but maybe I'm just scared to confront that diagnosis.

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6089
   Posted 8/11/2017 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   
But, that's kinda the point--yeah? This compulsion of yours, for lack of a better word, is real. Hallucinations and flashbacks are real-to the person having them. Delusions are real. Anxiety is real. It is just a reality that many others around us cannot perceive. I think we get tied up in wanting our own manner of perception to be shared by others. And, unless you are wandering off to stare into the sun or join a pack of dogs in the wilderness, it's a harmless delusion. However, if it becomes harmful--you or someone else in your life may throw the"Honey, I think you have a problem" card. There are people in your life who care--and so the potential for your compulsive beliefs to manifest in a bad, no taking it back way is pretty minor.

This is not meant to be a downer--but my Mom experienced hallucinations at the end of her life. I just accepted them as her reality. I was washing her one day, and she said (not in a scared way just an observation,) "There is a black man behind you." I half turned and said, "Oh, him? He is my friend. He's a good guy." So Mom happily welcomed him and chatted with him for a few minutes.

Not all hallucinations, delusions, compulsion are bad and scary.
Ulcerative Colitis 2003, Fibromyalgia DX 2005, Crohn's 2013, Enteropathic arthritis, 2013. Family History of Fibro--2 out of 3 siblings diagnosed. Started SCD-June 2013. *There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who see the glass as half-full, ones who see the glass as half-empty, and others who see a big crack in the side which is leaking all over their %$#@# foot

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41845
   Posted 8/11/2017 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Is there anything you can do to take this thought from your mind? Such as start a new hobby? Or will it be there too? Usually something in life comes along to distract us from these things. Something big and altering. Maybe that will happen to you too.

I think it is more of an obsessive thought. But that is what I feel.

I have very vivid dreams, though I can't remember them when I wake up, but I know that they are there. This isn't like yours but I use to feel like my dreams were another life. I seem to go back to the same dream nightly. Strange... I know that they are dreams, but when I am dreaming, it feels so real.

Just know life is very short actually. The older you get the faster it goes by. Try to make the most of each day. Do the best that you can. Try to live in the moment. Though you often feel it not real, try to make the best of it and enjoy each moment.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Priusboy
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2017
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/11/2017 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
@myself 09 interesting point. I suppose your attitude and everything that you engage with is your reality, thus a delusional or obsessive thought it "real". I guess I just don't want to accept this as my reality, as it is pretty suffocating at points and I have always loved life and this world. I can't accept that obsessing around this thought is something that I have to handle for the rest of my life, because I know that I have the ability to NOT do that and to really trust/love my reality. The thought is depressing, and causes me to feel a great deal of anxiety.

@getting by I think that advice is spot on. I think the road out is distraction/ taking on new hobbies. I've since started doing yoga, taking guitar lessons, and running daily. But there are days where I feel so so scared and like this I'm losing grip. But that is really just fear. Fear of losing grip, but maybe not actually losing grip.

Worth noting-- I'm on zoloft (25mg) and Ativan (.25mg). Been on meds for about a month now, felt an improvement in depression after two weeks but things have since plateaued. There have also been days/ moments where I've though to myself: I did it, I'm on the way out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then the next day or two days i'll spiral back into obsession. It's also worth noting that other intrusive thoughts have slipped into my mind and have scared me but I've been able to dismiss them/ fight them off. I just feel like my mind is in this weird vulnerable state and my rational mind is diminished.

Myself 09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 6089
   Posted 8/11/2017 12:19 PM (GMT -7)   
*sigh* I think I really need to add that you should bring your concerns to your doctor. Not saying this IS, but schizophrenia generally hits in the late teens or early twenties.
Ulcerative Colitis 2003, Fibromyalgia DX 2005, Crohn's 2013, Enteropathic arthritis, 2013. Family History of Fibro--2 out of 3 siblings diagnosed. Started SCD-June 2013. *There are three kinds of people in the world: ones who see the glass as half-full, ones who see the glass as half-empty, and others who see a big crack in the side which is leaking all over their %$#@# foot

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41845
   Posted 8/11/2017 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Did the feeling of not real come before or after you started the meds? Just curious if the medication could be causing it.

Your going back and forth with feeling better is probably things trying to level out with the medication. Your body processing it.

I hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kellyinCali
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 292
   Posted 8/11/2017 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I encourage you to counter post in the Anxiety/Panic forum. Depersonalization and Derealization and obsessive thoughts are very common anxiety symptoms.

Based on what you have written, I think the trip from the drug "triggered" these obsessive (and intrusive) thoughts. Personally, I agree that you should tell a Psychiatrist about this but the fact that you can observe yourself thinking your thoughts is a sign imo that you are not likely Shizophrenic. There are related personality disorders though and it can only help you to be forthcoming about what you are thinking and experiencing. You are young and have great cause to be hopeful that you will not live with this forever as you fear. The sooner you deal with it, the better. I commend you for reaching out.

I don't think any two experiences are the same but I have experienced times when it felt like "This doesn't feel real." "Is this just a movie?" I have been somewhere and felt "fight or flight" because those feelings made me so uncomfortable. You indicated that this is "terrifying." I too would feel "fear" when life feels "surreal." The bottom line is that it sounds like you are aware of this distortion and FWIW, I have the analytical personality to analyze philosophical points when they become obsessive. Have you googled something like "arguments against solipsism?" I find that my personality must sometimes explore the obsession until it takes its course. Not that much unlike exposing yourself to a phobia.

Keep posting because if nothing else, you are not alone in what you have described. The Anxiety/Panic forum will probably relate more readily so give them a shout out too.

Post Edited (kellyinCali) : 8/11/2017 4:45:15 PM (GMT-6)


mittenmaker
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2017
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/12/2017 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   
i have been trouble learning what is real and not, i have paranoid thoughts, love a guy that i dont know if he loves me, total crazy lady here, please help

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41845
   Posted 8/12/2017 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mittenmaker.

Welcome to the forum. You may want to start your own thread about this. Posting on someone else's thread surely your post could get lost. Click on "new topic" and it will take you there...

The one thing I know that is important is that we need to love ourselves.

Do start a thread for your topic.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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