Hello my name is Emily,
I'm new here so I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself. What brought me to Healing Well was a need to make a change in my life. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety and this past year has been a very tough one for me. Where do I being? Well I guess I should start from the beginging the very beginging because I have been depressed my whole life although I was only diagnosed this year.
I didn't have the greatest childhood. My Father was abusive physically (hitting not sexually), verbally and emotionally. My parents clashed culturally one Trinidadian (Father) the other French Canadian (Mother) so raising my sisters my brother and I was a challenge that seemed to fuel the fire between them.
I have bad memories of my Father trying to strangle my Mother and her leaving and being terrified she wasn't going to come back. I think that is my earliest memory. I remember my Father beating on my siblings with whatever he could get his hands on like an electrical cord. It always hurt more to listen to somone else getting beat then actually getting beat yourself!
Anyway, we ended up leaving my Father a couple times and the final time we ended up in a shelter for abused woman. I was so scared. I thought we were going to a shelter that would be like what you see on tv for homeless people but it was just a house with a few families in it and some counselors and all the food you could eat! I even got an allowance I didn't want to leave the place!
Well my childhood messed me up emotionally. As it did my siblings. My sister Alexandera suffered the most. She was picked on a lot by my Father. Not long after we got out of the shelter she tried to commit suicide. She did not succeed. I remember when my mom told me I didn't really take it seriously at the time I guess I was too caught up in my own life and I was still pretty young at the time.
Years later she tried again and did succeed. She hung herself in our laundry room. My mom found her and I cut her down. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It messed me up for a really long time. I never saw a shrink or got any counselling which I should have but I had a bad experience with a family counselor when I was a kid so I didn't want to see one.
I was closest to Alex out of all of my siblings she was like a mother to me. She took care of me more than my own mother. I miss her a lot. I was 15 years old when she passed away she was 20. When I was 17 my mom took off to New Brunswick to live with her sister. She was planning to move for a long time but after what happened I didn't think she'd actually go. I really didn't want her to go but felt selfish if I told her to stay so I didn't say anything. I didn't realize it at the time but that really messed me up too!
So lets fast forward to 2004. I get a job at this big coporate company doing data entry. My plan is to work full-time and go to school part-time. The woman I'm working with initailly seems to be a nice lady and then 3 months into the job she turns into the devil We got a new manager that started stressing her out and she started taking it out on me left right and center! She dictated what I did on a daily basis and she took total advantage of it and started treating me like crap. Her and my manager would fight and they'd put me in the middle of it all the time. I didn't really care about the job I was only there for the money so I could by a car and finish my schooling. The work load was redicoulos. Both I and the crazy lady were super busy all the time and we were the only two in the company that did the kind of work we did. With the stressful work situation and heavy work load as well as school I was really stressed out. After a while it took a toll on me and I stared having anxiety which lead to two major anxiety attacks. about a month later I took a leave of absence because I was falling apart at the seams!
I fell into a deep depression and pretty much ended up losing my mind halusinations and all. It happened slowly and I can recall most of it. The same thing happened to my sister Alex before she ended up in the hospital but we thought it was because she was taking drugs. I refused to take medication so I went crazy! Once I totally lost it my family got me into the hospital and they got me on medication. I don't remember a whole week that I was in the hospital. I remember going there and getting a cat scan and a needle in my butt!
The first shrink I saw misdiagnosed me as bipolar and drugged me up on 6 different medications and my new shrink has spent the last year withdrawing me from them all and putting me on ones that actually work for me. I'm on Wellbutrin 200 mg, Topamax 100mg, and Imovane for sleep.
Sorry this post has been so long! Are you yawning yet? Anyway, I just finished wheening off med's not long ago and have only been on Topamax a couple months now. December was a really bad month for me. More so because it has been a year since I got out of the hospital and I really didn't think I'd be where I am today a year later! I also just started my rehabilation program and began volunteering and realized that I'm not ready to go back to work which upset me. I'm having trouble socializing I feel really disconnected and in my head all the time.
That's what really brought me here. My boyfriend suggested I search for support groups or chat rooms online to help me deal with some of the things I'm going through. Since I've become a member I'm in the chat rooms almost everyday and it really helps. I don't feel so alone anymore!
One question I'd like to through out there is for those of you who suffer from depression and take or have taken med's when do you think is a good time to attempt to get off the med's if you want to try and see if your ok with out them?
Thanks for taking the time to read my super long post!
Emily a.k.a OhSoSad