**PLS. READ** OhSoSad's 1st Post Allow me to introduce myslef!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/3/2006 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello my name is Emily,
I'm new here so I thought I'd take a moment to introduce myself.  What brought me to Healing Well was a need to make a change in my life.  I suffer from Depression and Anxiety and this past year has been a very tough one for me.  Where do I being? confused   Well I guess I should start from the beginging the very beginging because I have been depressed my whole life although I was only diagnosed this year. 
I didn't have the greatest childhood.  My Father was abusive physically (hitting not sexually), verbally and emotionally.  My parents clashed culturally one Trinidadian (Father) the other French Canadian (Mother) so raising my sisters my brother and I was a challenge that seemed to fuel the fire between them. 
I have bad memories of my Father trying to strangle my Mother and her leaving and being terrified she wasn't going to come back.  I think that is my earliest memory.  I remember my Father beating on my siblings with whatever he could get his hands on like an electrical cord.  It always hurt more to listen to somone else getting beat then actually getting beat yourself! sad
Anyway, we ended up leaving my Father a couple times and the final time we ended up in a shelter for abused woman.  I was so scared.  I thought we were going to a shelter that would be like what you see on tv for homeless people but it was just a house with a few families in it and some counselors and all the food you could eat! yeah    I even got an allowance I didn't want to leave the place!
Well my childhood messed me up emotionally.  As it did my siblings. My sister Alexandera suffered the most.  She was picked on a lot by my Father.  Not long after we got out of the shelter she tried to commit suicide.  She did not succeed.  I remember when my mom told me I didn't really take it seriously at the time I guess I was too caught up in my own life and I was still pretty young at the time.
Years later she tried again and did succeed. She hung herself in our laundry room.  My mom found her and I cut her down.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done.  It messed me up for a really long time.  I never saw a shrink or got any counselling which I should have but I had a bad experience with a family counselor when I was a kid so I didn't want to see one. 
I was closest to Alex out of all of my siblings she was like a mother to me.  She took care of me more than my own mother.  I miss her a lot.  I was 15 years old when she passed away she was 20.  When I was 17 my mom took off to New Brunswick to live with her sister.  She was planning to move for a long time but after what happened I didn't think she'd actually go.  I really didn't want her to go but felt selfish if I told her to stay so I didn't say anything.  I didn't realize it at the time but that really messed me up too! sad
So lets fast forward to 2004.  I get a job at this big coporate company doing data entry.  My plan is to work full-time and go to school part-time. The woman I'm working with initailly seems to be a nice lady and then 3 months into the job she turns into the devil devil We got a new manager that started stressing her out and she started taking it out on me left right and center!  She dictated what I did on a daily basis and she took total advantage of it and started treating me like crap.  Her and my manager would fight and they'd put me in the middle of it all the time.  I didn't really care about the job I was only there for the money so I could by a car and finish my schooling.  The work load was redicoulos.  Both I and the crazy lady were super busy all the time and we were the only two in the company that did the kind of work we did.  With the stressful work situation and heavy work load as well as school I was really stressed out.  After a while it took a toll on me and I stared having anxiety which lead to two major anxiety attacks.  about a month later I took a leave of absence because I was falling apart at the seams! sad
I fell into a deep depression and pretty much ended up losing my mind halusinations and all.  It happened slowly and I can recall most of it.  The same thing happened to my sister Alex before she ended up in the hospital but we thought it was because she was taking drugs.  I refused to take medication so I went crazy!  Once I totally lost it my family got me into the hospital and they got me on medication.  I don't remember a whole week that I was in the hospital.  I remember going there and getting a cat scan and a needle in my butt! mad
The first shrink I saw misdiagnosed me as bipolar and drugged me up on 6 different medications and my new shrink has spent the last year withdrawing me from them all and putting me on ones that actually work for me.  I'm on Wellbutrin 200 mg, Topamax 100mg, and Imovane for sleep.
Sorry this post has been so long! redface   Are you yawning yet? Anyway, I just finished wheening off med's not long ago and have only been on Topamax a couple months now.  December was a really bad month for me.  More so because it has been a year since I got out of the hospital and I really didn't think I'd be where I am today a year later!  I also just started my rehabilation program and began volunteering and realized that I'm not ready to go back to work which upset me.  I'm having trouble socializing I feel really disconnected and in my head all the time.
That's  what really brought me here.  My boyfriend suggested I search for support groups or chat rooms online to help me deal with some of the things I'm going through.  Since I've become a member I'm in the chat rooms almost everyday and it really helps.  I don't feel so alone anymore! :-)
One question I'd like to through out there is for those of you who suffer from depression and take or have taken med's when do you think is a good time to attempt to get off the med's if you want to try and see if your ok with out them?
Thanks for taking the time to read my super long post!
Emily a.k.a OhSoSad tongue

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 1/3/2006 8:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not on meds and haven't been, because thirty years ago the meds were pretty poor.

However, I don't think you should even be thinking about going off them yet. Think of it this way, as long as your past is interferring in your life today, it's not time.

You will know when the past is no longer interferring. You will be able to live well. That means you will be able to work, have a social life, and have a personal life. You will have in indoor interest that will keep you inside on a beautiful day--and an outside interest that will take you outside on the worst day.

See a counselor--or however many it takes to find a good one. Since the genesis of your problems was an angry father, you might be better off going to a male. That's the opposite of what most people would say, but a good therapist can show you how a man should act toward you and help you validate your self-worth. But if that sounds too tough a lady is good too.


Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/3/2006 9:10 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Behav,

Thanks for your reply.  I'm not going to get off my med's anytime soon I was just wondering although I really do hate being on them.  I don't feel like myself on them and I feel like I've lost my sense of humor which was my favorite part of my personality and it got me through a lot of tough times.  I am seeing a Male shrink and he does not think I need counseling either does my family doc.  I can talk about my past openly without crying so they say that it's not so much effecting my life now but definetly attributed to my condition.  Despite everything my Father put me through I still have a relationship with him today and have forgiven him for his wrong doings. After my sis passed away he changed a lot and trys to be a better Father.  People are a product of their environment and when I think of how he grew up I understand his actions even though they were not right.  Anyway, going to the HW chat rooms is helping me come out of my shell a little so hopefully I won't continue to feel so socially disconnected in my life.  I'm also starting school this coming Monday which will force me to socialize.  This makes me a little anxious but hopefully I'll be ok.  Well thanks for your kind words and support! :-)


OhSoSad yeah

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 1/4/2006 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Forced socialization, we all need it :) I'm proud of you for forcing yourself to socialize! I know you'll be anxious, but it will definitely be ok! I think it's really awesome that you have forgiven your father for his wrong doings. That's a very important step to moving on. *hugs*

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 1/4/2006 2:06 PM (GMT -6)   
You poor kid. Free hugs for you.
My mudder's French Canadian too, and she was brought up differently than I.
I am as well, living behind my eyes, I guess with the pain we learn to dissociate wether we want to or not.
Hang in there. There are lots of good people here for you.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/5/2006 10:17 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi hposi & Glenn,

Thanks for the huggs!  I'm feeling better already yeah

OhSoSad :-)

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 152
   Posted 1/5/2006 8:33 PM (GMT -6)   
oh so sad,

I am sorry you are having to go thru all this, but it must be the time to deal with it now so it hopefully doesn't pop up again in your life. I have been going thru depression most of my life. I haven't had any problems for the past 8yrs and then all of a sudden boom it hits me again. Mostly due to my Chronic pain, they say the meds I am on will cause depression but I haven't had this problem till the last month. It is a totally different feeling then the last times. I have been off work now for 2 weeks and I will stay off till I know I am better. they are working on different meds to help me. seems to not be working yet . As for you do not go off your meds till the dr says. You don't want to fee bad again do you?
I wish you the best of luck with your depression, hang in there kiddo.

I was diagnosed with Degenerative disc disease 2 yrs ago. L4-L5 area the disc is completely gone, causing my verterbrae to rock and slam on my nerve root, when I walk.I am severly full of scar tissue.Bone spurs, curvature of the spine. you name it
 Hang in there everyone,we have to take it one day at a time and  we are so lucky to have so many understanding people on this site to talk to.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/11/2006 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Reba,
Thanks for your kind words and not to worry I will not be getting off my med's anytime soon I definetly don't want to feel bad! nono    But I do really hate being on med's I don't feel like myself on them.  I know they're benifical and they have helped me a lot but I do look forward to the day that I am able to try and give it a go without them.  yeah   I worry that I'll be a lifer and the thought of that really scares me.  If I have to deal with depression my whole life all the plans I have set out for myself I have to rethink like if I should have children or not.  Anyway I shouldn't think that far ahead right now anyway!  I'm just a worry wart and I feel so lost in my life right now but I will take your advice and hang in there with a hope and a prayer!
OhSoSad tongue
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