Posted 1/4/2006 10:06 AM (GMT -7)
Hey, I'm 20 years old and though I have not brought it up to any of my family members or to my doctor, I have been feeling depressed for quite some time. I don't want to worry anybody and I really don't want to think about the costs of getting help for not being able to deal with myself. I am currently in college but had such depression prior to being in college.
I have never really felt like killing myself and I don't feel like suicide is a threat to me because I feel like I would be a shame to my family if I was to kill myself. I do think about how I would die all the time though and a lot of people think that it is not normal to think about death all the time. Every time I think about dying it is like I am giving my own life up to save another person. It just seems like the heroic thing to do, plus I guess that the other person's life is probably more important than mine anyway so I might as well save them.
The thing is is that I think I am doing so much less than what I have to offer. I mean I am an extremely smart person and going to college for me was a very last minute decision because I just didn't see what it would do for me. I mean a lot of people I know have clear goals that they want to accomplish in life and that they want to do good for other people and everything. With the intelligence that I have and that everyone that knows me is aware of, I feel like I should be doing more with my life but I just don't have the urge to do it. Lots of times, it takes me 5 or 6 hours to fall asleep at night because I constantly think of how much of a failure I am to myself and to those who have taught me throughout my life. People who have to work three times as hard as I do are out there doing their best to save people and I am just sitting around doing nothing. I would like to be able to bring myself to do the same but it never works.
Another problem that I have is that I might have a gambling problem. If anyone here knows anything about this, it contributes greatly to feelings of depression. I play poker 365 days a year and I generate a decent income from it too. Its not like I'm a losing player or anything but it still contributes to the problem. If I'm winning I'm in my type of normal mood, if I'm losing I feel like I just am lost. It's like I know that I have nothing else to offer the world so I start to think "what if I lose it all and have nothing else to do?" I get so emotional about it that I will often cry over wins and losses that occur.
Most of my friends are gamblers as well, at least my closest ones. One of my closest friends was down a lot of money on a few ocassions and I kept giving him more money to try to get himself out of such a hole. The thing is is that we both knew it was not helping and that nothing was going to be accomplished. During these times, I probably got about 2 hours of sleep a night because I was too busy feeling guilty for what was happening. I have bad enough sleeping habits as I never go to sleep or wake up at the same time. For instance, two nights ago I didn't go to sleep till 1030am woke up at 5pm, then didn't sleep at all fell asleep at 10pm last night and woke up this morning at 4am. It is like this all the time with me. I don't have a job because I just don't have the motivation to go out and get one.
Also, I always feel like an outsider when I'm with my friends. I used to be the talkative type who was never quiet and always had something to say. Now it seems like nothing anybody has to say is of interest to me and all of my friends seem to hate each other. I talk to one and its a conversation about how they hate the next, then I talk to that one and it's a conversation about how they hate the other one. Its just the same thing over and over.
My moods seem to change a lot more now too. Lately I've started to drink a lot more in order to escape from all the thoughts that constantly run in my head. I don't just drink socially either, its to get drunk and pass out. Also I've started doing things I would never do before like chewing tobacco and other products, anything to get my mind off of things or to calm me down. Lately, I've been more inclined to start fights as well and to go looking for fights just because I was angry at myself or the world or even for losing some hand of poker.
Well to tell you the truth I'm not even sure what I just wrote. It kind of jumps from one thing to the next and just reading over it will probably make me feel like a complete idiot but I'm going to post it just to hear some advice or opinions or whatever. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff I'm missing about myself but hey, its my first post.