Please help me through this

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lostgirl1189
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2017
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 11/3/2017 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I just joined this site because my boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago due to his depression and I don't know what to do. For some background, we have been together for almost 3 years and we deeply love each other. We are both in our twenties. We have lived with each other for a year at my parents house and we had plans to move into our own place in 2 months. He has always struggled with depression but has never sought help for it. I have suggested for him to see someone multiple times throughout our relationship but I hadn't firmly pushed it because I didn't want to force it onto him (as well as the fact that apparently the person needing to book an appt with a psychiatrist has to make the appointment themselves for some reason).

In the last month his depression has gotten really bad and his occasional binge drinking got to the point of him drinking until he would pass out. I told his sibling that lives here about this and we convinced him to finally call a therapist or psychiatrist. He tried several places, called and emailed, to which NONE of them ever got back to him. This made him feel very discouraged. I tried getting him somewhere too, but the operator said he needed to make the appt himself and when he called back they didn't pick up for him sad

3 days ago I came home from work and he was drinking again. Then he started telling me that he has been thinking about moving back home to his mom in another state 6 hours away so he can be with his mom and friends from his hometown. I know he didn't like it in the current state we are in, but I had no idea it was this bad-- and again, we had plans to move out together in only 2 months. I start crying, and he says that he has to break up with me because he can't put the effort into our relationship anymore, and that it isn't fair for me to not get the effort I deserve. He said he loves me, is still in love with me, that I'll always be important to him, and he would keep in touch. I asked though my tears why we had to break up if we're still in love because it's wrong. He said it's because he is unhappy with everything, can't feel anything anymore, has lost interest in everything and can't give me what I need. I asked him if we could do long distance and he said no because he needs to learn how to take care of himself. I told him I understand but asked if we can do a break instead, then get back together when he is better. He said no to that because in his mind it would be "toxic" for him to have me wait for him. He said that the breakup would destroy me and destroy him but it has to be done.

He moved out of my parent's house last night and is going to live with his sibling who lives near by for now until he can make arrangements to move back home. His one friend and family all told him that although they love me, that it isn't fair if he can't give me the effort I deserve and have encouraged him to end it which has only made him more firm with his choice.

The problem is, he is the love of my life and I want to fight for our relationship. I love him so much, and have always taken care of him on his bad days. I am devastated. I also feel that heartbreak CANNOT be helping his depression, as he is saddened by our break up even though it was him who did the breaking up. I wrote him 8 pages to take with him to his sibling's saying how much I love him, how much I will miss him, how I will always be there for him, how much my family will miss him, how important he is, encouraging him to get help and telling him that he can and will get better. I also said that if he would ever want me back as a girlfriend that I'm his.

What do I do? I don't want to lose him. I want him to be happy, and I want him to get help but if he moves 6 hours away I won't be able to be there for him in person if he would need it. I'm scared his parents don't know the extent of the situation, and his mom just got back from a rehabilitation center for drinking and his friend back home has depression too and dabbles in drugs.

Do I fight him and beg him to stay? Do I let him go through with the break up even though I feel breaking up would deepen his depression? Do I let him move out of state? I know the #1 thing he needs is help because he is lost, but even I can't force him to see a professional. His sibling promised me that she will make sure he gets help.

I love him unconditionally, and I'm scared for him and I want to salvage us. Please help me.

Thank you to anyone who replies. I really appreciate it.

Post Edited (lostgirl1189) : 11/3/2017 4:05:26 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 41845
   Posted 11/3/2017 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Lostgirl1189,

I am sorry for what you are going through first of all. You sound young, and I remember how devastating it can be even to the one breaking up. Not to mention the one getting broken up with. I know this is hard for you and it probably feels like the end of the world.

Only he can get the help that he needs. Maybe the change of scenery will be good for him. I hope so.

There really isn't a lot you can do to stop him from leaving. It is up to him whether he changes his mind or not. I hate to tell you that. Truth is for you it is going to be a wait and see situation.

If he decides to see a doctor and get help for his depression it could take a long time before he feels better. Therapy takes time and so does medication. If you wait, it could be awhile. In the meantime, you need to take care of you and get on with life. Don't give everything up for one person. It isn't fair to you.

I hope that things work out for the two of you. I hope you can be happy. Take life one day at a time. That is the best we can do. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Again, I am real sorry.

Welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 866
   Posted 11/3/2017 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry lostgirl1189, but I'm pretty sure your relationship is over. Two people are required for a good relationship, but only one is required to break it up. Your ex sounds pretty resolute, and I wouldn't hold out much hope for this relationship to come back to life.

Your ex's depression, although a factor in how he dealt with your breakup, was not the trigger for the breakup. Granted, it's easier to give up on something if you're feeling depressed, but I can assure you he would have been unhappy even if he wasn't depressed. Some things, although they initially feel so right and so good, just aren't meant to be. If your ex was the 'one', he would have figured out a way to make your relationship work, in spite of his depression.

The sooner you accept that it's over, the sooner you can heal. Bargaining with yourself by saying "I'll just wait until he changes his mind" is a defense mechanism we all use. Bargaining no doubt makes us feel better short term, but it simply delays the innevitable acceptance that we all need to find.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Heartbreak sucks, and in a perfect world no one should have to deal with it. That said, we all do deal with it, one way or another. Our hearts and our brains are surprisingly resiliant though, and allthough I have no doubt that this is going to hurt for a while, I know it'll eventually get better.

Stay strong lostgirl1189.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 19949
   Posted 11/4/2017 11:01 PM (GMT -7)   
am with f27. wise words. we all been there. some too many times...like the turtle......learning the hard way. things do get better. i send healing thoughts of compassion to you.

RobLee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2017
Total Posts : 386
   Posted 11/5/2017 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I too feel that F27 has this right. Your ex boyfriend is being realistic and you are being a hopeless optimist. And furthermore, he may not truly be depressed. Has he ever been diagnosed? It sounds like he is dealing with ordinary human struggles and is self medicating with alcohol. People have done that for centuries.

Breaking up is very hard, and love can bring us such great sorrow as well as tremendous joy. You have likely been thru this before and will certainly go thru it again in the future. Best thing you can do now is cut your ties with your ex and get back on your feet. Do not try to hang on, it will only damage you both even further.

Cry for now. It will help. But get over it. No letters, no phone calls. It's over. His 'depression' sounds like a convenient foil upon which to blame your problems. Chances are, if he drinks that much, you do not want to stay with him. No matter how sweet or kind he may be, alcohol can turn the kindest heart into an abusive spouse.

Do not see yourself as 'saving him'. Let him, or his next ex, worry about that. But do seek professional help yourself if you feel it is warranted. Recently an angel guided me to a treatment center. Seriously. I was having some specialized dental work done, and after several visits I noticed that there was a mental health facility right next door. I had never noticed it before. I got up the courage to walk in and inquire about their services. It is not cheap, but as a wise man once said about free medical advice, if it doesn't cost you then it doesn't help.

Good luck pulling yourself out of your sadness. Odds are this would have been a toxic relationship anyway.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7153
   Posted 11/5/2017 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Lost, [which you are not]

I must agree with all above.

Addicts, which your boyfriend is, are notorious for manipulation and lies to cover up what they actually want or not want to do.

ie.. unless you were there next to him, it is doubtful no one pick up the phone at the programs.

The family can get him into crisis, then a program if he becomes a danger to himself or others. HOWEVER, rarely does the first to 3rd rehab ever work.

It is best you learn from this. If someone does not love themselves enough to take care of themselves. It is not in them, to love someone else. They just can not do it.

And it is not your responsibility to fix anyone, besides the fact that you can't.

You only responsibility is to yourself. Have self compassion and love for yourself. If aa friend of yours had a boyfriend like this, what would say to that person? I tend to think, you would say they deserve better, someone who treats them well and is part of their life in a positive way.

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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