Posted 11/16/2017 3:54 PM (GMT -6)
This is going to be a long one, so forgive me ahead of time. I've posted here a few times before but mostly am in the anxiety/panic forum.I have finally gotten to the root of where my depression (and subsequent anxiety) stems from, and now that I know what it is, it's depressing me more.
Some background info on me: I am a 25, almost 26, year old otherwise healthy female. I moved out of my childhood home in February of this year- I was renting my house from my mom, but she wanted more money for it understandably, and put it on the market to be leased. I moved into a small 1 bed/1 bath apartment with my significant other and our dogs, and mom moved into her boyfriend's house, which feels like the furthest thing from home and any familiarity I've ever felt. I have been on Zoloft for 11ish years now, tried to taper the same month I moved out because I was feeling on top of the world. I was excited at the prospect of having my own place, the newness was exciting, I had just turned 25 and was excited about that. In June/July, when I was down to about 12.5mg, I felt the worst I've felt in a long time. Anxiety came back with a vengeance, and so did the depression. In October, I made the choice to reinstate the Zoloft slowly and while its helped a little, teeny bit, I'm no where near where I was sitting in my psychiatrist's office demanding I go off of it.
After a lot of self reflection, which can be a double edged sword, I realized that I am depressed about growing up. I know this may sound silly, but the fact that I am turning 26 is freaking me out. Everything 25 and below is so young, and so full of promise. You can still make mistakes, you can still need your parents who will still be there. In my head, I feel like everything 26 and above just screams 'you're an adult now, no more fun, no more calling Mom and Dad for anything." I used to be so excited to get older, because being older meant that I was closer to having kids which I've always wanted, owning my own home, getting married, etc, but now all those things make me cringe. When I think about getting older, I break down and cry because that means that if I get older, so do my parents. Especially my Mom whose been my lifeline for my entire life. The sheer thought of not having her in my life terrifies me. And I've already had to make so many adjustments in my relationship with her not living in the same home. I never had a proper 'college' experience, as my university was 10 minutes from home, and I didn't stay in the dorms. So, moving into this first apartment is sort of like the experience I never had, except I can't go back home even for holidays, or vacations because the house is being leased by another family. The holidays have made me incredibly nostalgic and craving desperately that childlike spirit that is associated with Christmas, my favorite holiday. Time seems to be going by so fast, and it's making me so sad.
Has anyone ever felt this way before? Depression can be so isolating.