My mom, me, and depression

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 1/9/2006 2:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I just don't konw what to do and thought I might get some ideas from posting on here.
I'm 20 (almost 21) and a freshman in college. My mom became sick with depression when I was around 14 or 15. Since then it's been a huge rollar coaster of issues. Shes been in and out of hospitals and group homes. At first I would visit her in the hospital and the homes..but now I won't. My dad makes me feel like I'm being incredibly selfish by doing this and that I'm helping make my mom worse.
I also suffer with major depression. I'm struggeling with self-injury right now and was nearly hospitalized right before Christmas. I'm also stressing with school and the number of times I've done poorly in my classes. I should be a junior status after this semester. I'll be lucky if I'm a sophomore the way it looks.
The problem: My mom currently is in the hospital. She was admitted a couple days after Christmas and has been there since. I refuse to see her. I'm only about 15 mins away from the hospital shes in. I also refuse to talk to her or have anythign to do with her right now. I say I have to figure out myself first and worry about her second. If I was in school hours away, would my dad still expect me to drop evreythign to go see her? I just don't know. It adds stress to see her.....and it adds stress to not see her. Any suggestions???? I'm going nuts with what to do and how to handle all of this.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/9/2006 9:52 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you are really struggling right now. I wish I knew what to say or had some great piece of advise to help, but i am not sure that I do. I understand needing to focus on yourself, but I also know that when I am giving pieces of myself I feel better. I try to make sure that I don't over do it, and keep some in reserve for myself. Good luck and I hope you found the answers you are looking for.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.
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Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 1/10/2006 3:37 PM (GMT -6)   

sounds like my wife ...the root of her depression /anxiety is (her moms constant poor me whats wrong with me throw everything in your face type of person attitude )and her psyhc told her to stay away and when you visit to always be in control of when you can leave ...I know it is likly hard to want to see her ,but being 15 mins away iit is easier for you to leave when you have had enuff,but I can feel what you are saying by not wanting to go and yeah you do have to look out for yourself first..tough way you are in we live a few hours away from my wife parents and have gone visiting for the weekend and we would nicely get there and turn and drive the two or more hours home because my wife cant deal with her so ..that being said I have no advice in what to do just what we do here and it seems to work....its been about 5 years now and we do stay the whole weekend most time snow so it will get better when you learn your tolerence level....goodluck


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/15/2006 10:40 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm a depressed mom,and I get sick to my stomach when I think about what I've put my kids through. I can only imagine what you have been through with your mom.
My daughter decided that she had enough and moved in with her dad (my ex husband) and I was hurt for about a month. But after talking to her on the phone one day and hearing her laugh I realized that she was ok,and probably better off than ever before.
I think that by you getting better,and going to visit your mom and telling her about the good things in your life and how you are better will be what helps her. Mom's love to brag about their kids,no matter how sick they are at the moment. So give her something to brag about. YOU get better. Maybe write your mom a few letters while she is in the hospital. Or just simply send her a get well card. She needs to know that you are thinking about her,and she needs to understand that you are struggling too.
Good luck to you,and take a deep breath!

Don't worry about the world ending,it's already tomorrow in Australia!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/16/2006 9:01 AM (GMT -6)   

HI,  I wanted to maybe put a different perspective on this (hopefully?).  I worked in the mental health field for many years, and ran two psychiatric residential care facilities (group homes as they are sometimes called).  My clients had a variety of severe illness from schizophrenia to bipolar to dual diagnosis.  I saw the effects it has on a person not only mentally but also physically when their most loved family wont come to see them.  As you all know NO ONE chooses to be mentally ill rather it be one of these terrible diseases or depression, why punish them for it. 

Fishkiller - By your post it sounds as if you may be a little angry at your mother for becoming sick when you were 14.  Maybe it is because you feel she took a part of your childhood away and or attention that should of been yours by her needing to go to the hospital and group homes.  You didn't say in your post if your parents are still married.  Did you stay with your dad? or did you have to go to live with other relatives or elsewhere?  This all is a factor in how you will feel about her.  Then to top it off, you also have depression.  I am not saying you don't have a right to be angry if this is the case, I would be too if I were in your shoes.  However, you only have one mother and think if something happened to her tomorrow and she was no longer here could you live with not having seen or visited with her or at tried to have a relationship.  It is obvious that this situation is causing you a lot of stress whatever the reason for it is.  Please let us know how everything goes ~elisha

Post Edited (els) : 1/16/2006 7:07:49 AM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/16/2006 6:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Fishkiller08

I have been in pretty much this situation in the past. At least something really similar and it was awful. Now I teach (sometimes) and often see it from the other side of the spectrum. Troubled students who are struggling.

You have too much on your plate.

You want to get space and you think the way to do that is not to see your mom but somehow that it is clearly counter productive. Just staying away doesn't help becuase you will think about it and that will disrupt your studies.

What you could think about (if it is possible) is setting boundaries for your family. You could talk to your dad and firmly explain that whilst you love your mom at the moment you really need to get your studying back on track. Compromise. tell him that you will visit your mum say once a week for a specified time but be firm. That way you will see her (alleviating the guilt) and will hopefully get your dad away from guilt tripping you. BUT when you do it, ie set limits on how much you will visit (which is comfortable for you) , you have to be firm otherwise it won't work.

Then the times you are away from your mum you should be able to concetrate on your studies without feeling guilty. I finally did well in my studies despite (not because of) my dysfunctioning family and I did it by compartmentalizing my life in this way. Give time for your mum (limited) and spend the rest (majority) of your time focusing on you and what you need to succed.

Re studies I am not familiar with the American system being in the UK. Still is it possible for you to take some time out from study just for a while. maybe regroup and start again next year withh a clear head. If not how about finding someone to help with your studies. Make a realistic assessment of where you are, what subjects need the most work and seek help. Try not to beat yourself up ( I am an expert at this so an caution others against it) and concetrate on dealing with your studies. My mother has bene depressed for much of my life and my siblings have had major mental health issues for years. My family is a constnat challenge. I have struggled with depression for much of my life and trued seriously to har myself on at least one occasion (many years ago when I was a child). Despite this I managd to focus and pass all of my exams. It is difficult but possible.

Your life is your own.

I hope this helps.

Good luck

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