I had my daughter back in 2013. I began feeling really depressed after about
2 weeks. The birth didn't go as planned. She was a week late, and to prove how stubborn she is, even after being induced she still wouldn't come out. lol. We ended up having to have an emergency csection. I believe that is where the trauma all started. I was alone for 12 hours a day with a newborn, up all night with her, and healing from the c section. There were points where I felt like I could hurt her, but I got really good at knowing when to walk away and calm myself. I would cry everyday all day. I know it was postpartum depression, but I thought it would fix itself. Writing this now, I know it hasn't. The last four years have been so low for me. I have lost myself, and have no idea how to get me back. With the postpartum, memories and sadness came back from my childhood trauma of being raped by my stepfather. I thought I was over that, but it all just came back to slap me in the face. My daughters father does not believe in mental illness, so my situation eventually drove him away. We separated 4 months ago. I feel like with all of it, he was the glue holding me together, and now I am completely broken. He even had a new girl (his coworker) moved in 3 weeks later. You can imagine how abandoned and worthless I feel. I feel this everyday. Stuck in between anxiety telling me I must do something and the depression telling me I can't. I feel so stuck..literally. No job, no car. In all of this I still have my daughter full time. Except for the one night every two weeks that she goes to her dads house. I feel like I have no energy for all of it. While raising and keeping alive another human, where do I find time for me? I find myself just wanting to sleep, all the time. Or at least lay down. I feel so empty, so drained, so defeated. I want to be a better mother. My daughter deserves a better mother. I just don't know how. I have no insurance, but I know I need some help. I can't fight this alone anymore.