Posted 12/27/2017 10:09 AM (GMT -7)
I'm stuck in this .. loop of misery, lack of motivation to change, and self-hate.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, have for a couple years. I left 3 jobs in 2 years due to my symptoms, and the ironic thing is that I have my masters in clinical psychology and worked in the mental health field. Most recently, I worked in a psychiatric hospital, and found a patient hanging one day... Something snapped inside of me and I had to leave my job. Sometimes I feel like I identified more with the patients than I did with my coworkers. That was September.
Ever since leaving my job, I've been extremely sedentary. My husband still works, and often he asks me to do one task each day: "can you do the dishes?" or "can you get food for dinner tonight?" Most days I can barely bring myself to do that one simple task. Getting up to take the dogs out and feed them is exhausting. I can't believe it has come to this.
My anxiety is crippling. I'll be "inside my head" for a while, then suddenly my throat feels extremely tight. It gets worse and worse and eventually I vomit. This occurred a few times on the unit at the hospital where I worked, and my nurses always joked that I was pregnant. Well, I'm not. And now, I have these vomiting episodes up to 4-5 times a day. (Not an eating disorder, either.)
Finally, I've been steadily gaining weight. I've gained 40 lbs in 4 years, and for a woman of my stature, I am very overweight. Depression medications + sedentary lifestyle+ no energy to exercise = rapid weight gain. I am physically uncomfortable, and it makes it difficult to sleep. I am constantly aware of the "skin on skin" under my chin, my arm pits, inside my elbows, in between my thighs, and inside my knees. I carry a lot of extra weight in my abdomen, which may also be why the nurses insisted I was pregnant. The shame and guilt about this weight gain also stems from being a woman in a judging society, and that I used to be very slender and beautiful. I look at my Facebook pictures from years back and cry. What happened?
Talk about shame and guilt... as a mental health clinician, I know exactly what I would tell a patient who was going through what I just described. I would encourage 30 minutes a day of light exercise, tracking symptoms in a journal, being more truthful with therapist and psychiatrist, forcing the self to complete a couple tasks each day, forcing the self to get off the couch and go outside, forcing the self to get into a routine that includes getting up before 10 am each day. It's like... counseling 101 for how I would help a patient. AND YET I CANNOT DO IT MYSELF. Which feeds into that loop of misery, lack of motivation to change, and self-hate.
Part of me thinks that "tomorrow" I'll have the energy to get up, clean the house, exercise, etc. The other part wants to check into a residential facility and rely on the staff to force me to get into a routine. I'm not suicidal, but I often wish I could just disappear. Obviously the holidays were difficult. I'll be turning 31 at the end of January.
I'm sorry I wrote a novel. Maybe this post isn't so much for advice, as it is that I just wanted to tell SOMEBODY (other than my husband and therapist) about what's going on. Putting it on paper or in a blog post somewhat separates me from it, gives me a new perspective. Anyway, thanks for listening.