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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 240
   Posted 3/8/2018 7:59 AM (GMT -6)   

This is the first time I've posted on here but used this forum for another disease years ago so thought maybe talking could help. sorry for the essay

A couple weeks ago I got signed off work, will be off 9 weeks when my note runs out in 3 weeks. It all crept up on me, I live abroad and don't speak the language well so my life is a little lonely (very), though I'm a normal 30 year old female, and outwardly my life looks great. attractive, nice home, moderately successful job. then I met a man who lived far away (16,000miles haha) who told me I shouldn't be alone, that i deserved somebody great, that i was hiding behind a bravado.
No idea if this triggered something or if it can come from nowhere, but home felt like a prison, started crying daily, work lost any meaning, i pushed away all my friends (i can see it now but not when it was happening) i was angry at work, i started making mistakes at work and getting into trouble, id have panic attacks and couldnt even see the screen at work but kept trying, id sit with headphones on, i freaked out at the mere suggestion of a work night out even though i usually organise and love them - the thought of being out of my house terrified me but instead i was angry, i felt so hopeless, the thoughts turned really bloody terrifying, once i had a panic attack and it was a few hours later i saw i had stuck a fork into my arm, not badly, just enough to sting, had no real idea, the panic attacks got more frequent with a voice saying "run away" on loop, my last day at work i started screaming and crying and just grabbed my laptop and drove to the doctor who talked some hippy stuff about finding a level away from work. long walks, swimming.
I've been referred to therapy but waiting lists are long of course.

the man from australia flew over for 5 weeks, we roadtripped europe but it turned out we werent a good match and he has many of his own demons and was ill a lot so i basically ignored myself and nursed him a lot. so i bottled my own feelings up again.
so i flew to my parents home and i feel calm and level, but i know ive not dealt with anything. nothings changed. the voices have stopped to hurt myself, the bad feelings lifted and feel positive and grounded. i want to go back to my life - but im scared the second i walk into my office that complete worthlessness will come back despite feeling confident atm

my boss will ask why i now think i can do this job. do i still need therapy if i feel okay now? I just dont want to waste their time. finding an english speaking one is tough and i didnt chase it when i was desperate because i felt i wasnt worthy of their help. that they'd laugh at me and say i have nothing to whinge about. the guy even asked how id managed to be signed off work when he has 'real depression' (something i wasnt aware of really when we met)

im just really worried it will all drown me again... i know everybody is different but is this likely. can it come from nowhere? i have reached out to a lot of friends, which certainly helped, spring is around the corner, friends have booked me events so i have things to look forward to, but i still feel like life has no direction, i have no goals. does anybody have any advice. sorry if i sound whinging.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 3/9/2018 8:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the forum.

You have a good head start then most people.

Hindsight is a gift to open doors in the right direction.

I suggest trying to find a therapist where you are. Good ones will guide you, not tell you things.

Perhaps in a month or two you can decide whether you want to work on staying where you are or moving back to where your family is, or to where some friends live.

You can always reopen friends ships. writing letters to them, telling them you honest feeling without going over board and without telling them to much of what is going on. Most, if they are your friends will contact.
We all go through stuff, even they do.

Remember, the easiest way to learn a new language is to speak it with a person willing to teach you. At work when you get up for a drink water, ask some one, water? how do you say it? Soon, you will know more than you ever expected.

Peace and strength

Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

older guy
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 972
   Posted 3/20/2018 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I'mjusta,

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Like the previous poster, I think therapy is an excellent idea. You will probably get insight and help from a therapist about why you had the panic attacks and if they will re-occur. Also please see the Depression Resources at the top of the message page. There are some real helpful things there.

I had really bad anxiety and depression and wound up in the hospital. People at work were respectful of my privacy when I returned. It sounds like you might be dreading going back to work, but there will probably be people that are glad to see you have returned, and will be supportive.

Keep posting if you need more help. Good luck!

bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, upper denture, benign prostate hyperplasia
olanzapine, duloxetine, clonazepam, lamortigine
doxazosin, finasteride
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