Posted 3/8/2018 5:59 AM (GMT -7)
This is the first time I've posted on here but used this forum for another disease years ago so thought maybe talking could help. sorry for the essay
A couple weeks ago I got signed off work, will be off 9 weeks when my note runs out in 3 weeks. It all crept up on me, I live abroad and don't speak the language well so my life is a little lonely (very), though I'm a normal 30 year old female, and outwardly my life looks great. attractive, nice home, moderately successful job. then I met a man who lived far away (16,000miles haha) who told me I shouldn't be alone, that i deserved somebody great, that i was hiding behind a bravado.
No idea if this triggered something or if it can come from nowhere, but home felt like a prison, started crying daily, work lost any meaning, i pushed away all my friends (i can see it now but not when it was happening) i was angry at work, i started making mistakes at work and getting into trouble, id have panic attacks and couldnt even see the screen at work but kept trying, id sit with headphones on, i freaked out at the mere suggestion of a work night out even though i usually organise and love them - the thought of being out of my house terrified me but instead i was angry, i felt so hopeless, the thoughts turned really bloody terrifying, once i had a panic attack and it was a few hours later i saw i had stuck a fork into my arm, not badly, just enough to sting, had no real idea, the panic attacks got more frequent with a voice saying "run away" on loop, my last day at work i started screaming and crying and just grabbed my laptop and drove to the doctor who talked some hippy stuff about finding a level away from work. long walks, swimming.
I've been referred to therapy but waiting lists are long of course.
the man from australia flew over for 5 weeks, we roadtripped europe but it turned out we werent a good match and he has many of his own demons and was ill a lot so i basically ignored myself and nursed him a lot. so i bottled my own feelings up again.
so i flew to my parents home and i feel calm and level, but i know ive not dealt with anything. nothings changed. the voices have stopped to hurt myself, the bad feelings lifted and feel positive and grounded. i want to go back to my life - but im scared the second i walk into my office that complete worthlessness will come back despite feeling confident atm
my boss will ask why i now think i can do this job. do i still need therapy if i feel okay now? I just dont want to waste their time. finding an english speaking one is tough and i didnt chase it when i was desperate because i felt i wasnt worthy of their help. that they'd laugh at me and say i have nothing to whinge about. the guy even asked how id managed to be signed off work when he has 'real depression' (something i wasnt aware of really when we met)
im just really worried it will all drown me again... i know everybody is different but is this likely. can it come from nowhere? i have reached out to a lot of friends, which certainly helped, spring is around the corner, friends have booked me events so i have things to look forward to, but i still feel like life has no direction, i have no goals. does anybody have any advice. sorry if i sound whinging.