my 13 yr old depressed son

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kilekine
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Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/11/2018 1:08 PM (GMT -6)   
My son has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. He is currently taking medication and meeting with a councilor. He has been in inpatient after 2 ER visits for suicidal thoughts and possible suicidal attempt, (he was intercepted before he got home). Last night he was very upset with me for not allowing him to stay the night at his friends house, it was a school night. He said that he had been feeling depressed and suicidal and he felt that staying there would help him.

I told him that I understood that he wanted to stay but with it being a school night, he could not stay. He even brought his friends over to try to convince me to let him stay the night. He stormed in the house and said he was going to his room and to not talk to him. I poked my head in his room to tell him that I love him and that I understood and respected that he didn't want talk and he didn't have to. He popped up from his bed and began to unload on me. He told me that I'm the reason why he's depressed and suicidal. He said that I broke my promise and lied to him. I told him that I would do whatever I could within my power to help him through this and make him happy. Since I didn't allow him to stay the night, he took that as my promise being broken.

He told me that I always turn the conversation into being about me. I don't believe I do that, but I will take extra care to be aware that I don't. The entire conversation, he was so angry with me and that I don't help with trying to help him through this. I believe that I have been doing what I can. I take him to every counseling session, get his meds, visited him every day he was in inpatient. I encouraged him when he expressed interest in playing baseball and track. I tell him every day I love him and try to do things to get his mind off of bad things.

I took all of last week off for his spring break and went on adventures as a family every day. This morning when I call him to make sure he was on the way to the bus stop, he was still angry with me. I got a funny feeling and called his school, he wasn't there. I tried to call his phone, he didn't answer. I kept calling, still no answer. I tried calling my husband who was at home, no answer. I called the police department who told me to keep trying to get in touch with my husband and call back after I do to make sure he didn't go back home.

I finally got a hold of my son and he told me he was at his friends' house, the one he wanted to spend the night at. He said that he didn't want to go to school because he felt that he would do something bad if he did. He said that his friend calmed him down and told him that he would be missed and they would be sad if something happened to him. I'm glad that he finally heard that, even after I've been telling him that same thing, but he didn't seem to hear it when I said it to him.

I know this sounds horrible, but after last night and this morning, I feel that he was trying to manipulating me since he didn't get his way and going to his friend's house this morning and skipping school was his way of getting back at me. I feel that I'm trying to do what I can to help him, but it just isn't enough. It's like he sees me as the enemy now instead of someone who is trying to help. He talked about running away last night, so I slept in the living room. Every time I open his door, I'm afraid I'm going to walk in and find the worst possible thing I could image, him dead. I'm so stuck on what to do.

I've cried my eyes out so many times because he says hurtful things to me and I don't want to create a fight and make things worse, so I stay calm and tell him that I understand that he's upset and try to relate as much as I can to him. It just seems that everything I do is not helping, nor is it appreciated and I get it, he's a teenager, I'm sure we all know that most of the time teenagers don't really appreciate things or at least don't really show they do. I don't want to trigger anything for him and that makes me walk on eggshells half the time.

If there are any suggestions of things I can do different or try, I'm willing. I don't want to always have to make an exception or break rules our household has. I'm willing to bend them sometimes, but I don't think allowing him to just walk all over me or allow him do just do whatever he wants when he wants to do it is the answer for trying to keep him happy or just maintain. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/11/2018 4:25:24 PM (GMT-6)


Lynnwood
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Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 7699
   Posted 4/11/2018 1:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Yikes! Sounds like a horrid spot to be in.

I'm sure you've been talking to his therapists yourself, my only thought is to follow the suggestions from the professionals who deal with this stuff every day.

Take care of yourself, you won't be of any use to anyone if you don't do that. Gentle hugs!

F27
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Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 964
   Posted 4/11/2018 2:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've heard it said that no one can hurt us like family can hurt us, and I can only imagine how much your son's words sting. At thirteen years old, your son doesn't have the life experience required to know how much damage he's doing to himself and his family. I don't think he understands the long term ramifications of what he's doing, although I'm sure that's cold comfort to you.

There's no doubt, from what you've explained, that your son has found a very powerful lever to get his way. I'm troubled that he finds it so easy to play the suicide card. To me there's significant difference between "I'm so depressed, I can't think of any option but death." and "If I have to go to class today I might kill myself." The first is someone asking for help, the second is someone being manipulative. I obviously don't fully understand the pathology at play with your son, but I do understand depression and anxiety, and the specificity of his complaint doesn't pass the sniff test. Depressed and anxious people aren't just depressed and anxious given a specific set of circumstances, they're depressed and anxious all the time.

Your job as a mom is to give your son a soft, secure place to land, and prop him up while he's learning to navigate life as an adult. It's also important that you call BS on his BS. If he's malingering, then he'll soon learn that his drama doesn't have an audience; if he's truly sick and irrational, then I suggest that a good psychiatrist will be essential.

A common problem when dealing with mentally ill people is assuming that if you just do something different, you can heal them. Generally, that's not true. You wouldn't perform open-heart surgery on your son, so why would you expect you can make his mental illness go away? In order to survive this with your own spirit intact, you're going to have to learn to separate the disease from the boy. Focus your energy on giving your son all the support you can, but don't allow his disease to colour your decisions. Right and wrong don't change because we're depressed, nor do standards of behaviour. Don't let him guilt you into making bad decisions because, in spite of what he says, I sincerely doubt his depression is your fault.

You asked for suggestions, and I only have one: talk to a professional yourself. See a counselor, or a psychologist, and learn how best to deal with your son while still being able to protect yourself. This is clearly a complex situation and you should equip yourself with as many tools as you can to help you navigate this stage in your son's life. You're not at fault here, and you're not 'less than' because you need help. Some stuff, like mental illness, isn't intuitive to deal with.

You can make it through this.

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/11/2018 4:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Update:
Messaged him today to remind him he has an appointment with his councilor and told him to be home in time to leave. No response, tried calling, no answer. Messaged him saying it was fine he didn't want to talk but to just let me know if he got my message. His response: "Mom leave me alone, I don't want to see you, YOU MADE ME WANT TO ****ING HANG MYSELF" (copied from text message). I apologize for for language. I called his therapist and left a voicemail for his advice on what I should do. I don't know what I did to make him feel that way. I don't want to lose my son, but I don't know what else to do to help him.

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 964
   Posted 4/11/2018 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow.

Just wow.

Your poor psyche is taking a beating. All I can do is reiterate that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. He's acting out in a way that's deliberately hurtful, and he's trying to get under your skin. I don't pretend to know why, but stay strong, you're not going to be any use to him or you if you let his vitriol defeat you.

Honestly? Get your own counselor - you need all the help you can get.

I know how powerless you must feel, but you're not at fault here.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42296
   Posted 4/11/2018 4:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I think it sounds like he is being manipulative, but how can you know what is a bluff and what is real. He knows this.

I think seeing a professional yourself and getting advice on how to handle this is a good suggestion.

Keep coming here for support and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going through so much. He may need to go inpatient again. If he is really feeling suicidal. Let us know if he made it to his appointment.

Try not to take the things he says personal. Like F27 said, you are not to blame for his depression.

I hope that things get better soon.

Hugs, Karen...

PS I gave your post paragraphs for easier reading. Please use paragraphs on long posts. Thank you...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/11/2018 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone for your responses. They are much appreciated.

I'm trying to stay as strong as I can through this, but it is getting tougher to do. I have thought about seeking my own therapist to try to help better equip me for this journey.

Will update again if more happens. Thanks again so much to everyone.

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/12/2018 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Update:
I spoke with this therapist last night since my son decided to not come home so we could go to his appointment. I told him what took place Tuesday night and yesterday. He agreed that it sounded like my son is using his depression as a weapon to get his way. Everything he did on Tuesday was completely out of character for how he normally is. I know that's probably not saying a whole lot, but he has always communicated with me when he is having a bad day, even more so when he was released from inpatient.

His therapist was pretty helpful in explaining that how he is acting is not uncommon, it's actually more common than not. He told me he recognized that he uses his depression as a weapon in their sessions and it didn't seem like he was surprised when I told him what my son was doing.

He did not come home last night, and I never heard anything back from him after 3:30 pm. He did text me back after his very angry response yesterday saying that he needs time and he still loves me. I of course broke down in tears. He did not go to school again today, I checked with them and explained what has happened over the past couple days. They have been as helpful as they can with the situation. His school councilor has been amazing. I messaged him this morning a little before 8:00 am asking him to just let me know that he is ok. He just messaged me back (9:30) asking if his step-father was home. I responded yes, and he just said ok. It's not much, but at least I know he's alive.

Post Edited (kilekine) : 4/12/2018 11:57:42 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42296
   Posted 4/12/2018 11:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow, this must be hard for you. Thirteen is a very hard age. I hope you both get through this okay.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/13/2018 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Update:
Still has not come home. Didn't hear from him after his message to me in the morning yesterday. He did send me a message around 1 am this morning saying that he loves me. I responded this morning that I loved him too. Asked him to let me know if he was ok and that I missed him, no response yet. I don't know if I should call the police and report him as a run away or if I should allow him to come home on his own.

F27
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2016
Total Posts : 964
   Posted 4/13/2018 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
If your son has an iPhone, and you've activated the "Where is my iPhone" functionality, you should be able to tell where his phone is. Before you call the police why don't you send him one more text? Tell him you love him and respect his need for space, but if he doesn't tell you where he is, your next step will be to report him as a runaway. I think it's important to give him the opportunity to do the right thing by communicating with you, and if he doesn't, then phone the police.

Man, this kid is really ratcheting things up, isn't he? I'm sending good thoughts out into the ether for you.

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7326
   Posted 4/14/2018 9:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Kilekine,

So sorry for going the discussion late.

Thing is when you are 13 anti depressant meds can cause suidical thoughts, or increase the urges. When someone talks about this and has a history of this feelings, trust me, it is a serious matter and he needs help. I have been there.

I would try real hard to get him back into another inpatient location, where the doctor will listen to you and look at his meds and his behavior. I agree this is not normal, however I have see this as a side effect of the medications in young people. And they have practically not control over their emotions.

Teenagers being what they are, we were all one once, like to test the limits, so he could be drinking on top of the meds, could have stopped taking the meds, you have know idea at this point.

If I was in your situation, I would report him as a runaway and get him into a different place for help.

Do not keep returning him to the same inpatient that does not produce positive results.

Peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/16/2018 10:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Update:
I'll try to keep it brief. He came home Friday afternoon, I didn't try to have a conversation with him regarding this past week's events until Sunday afternoon. He seemed ok during the weekend and I knew we were going to need to have a discussion about it anyway and since the weekend seemed to be going well, I tried to talk to him about it. Long story short, it turned into an argument with him yelling at me and saying my rules were more important to me than him being depressed and suicidal. I told him if he felt that he was suicidal, we needed to go to the hospital. He said the hospital won't help him and that nothing is helping him besides him going to his friend's house because he feels they actually help him. How, I'm not sure.

He ended up taking off again. He had told me during our "conversation" that his friend's mother works for CPS and that if he didn't want to live at home that his friend's mom, (the friend who's house he wanted to stay at last week) could adopt him. He texted me saying that he was going to ask more about that. I told him that if I am found to be an unfit mother, then yes, they could intervene. He said that I hurt him and "Thanks for breaking your trust with me. That you got not being a good mom." He said that he hopes I'm happy that I may have lost a son.

He was very angry throughout the text messages and blamed me again for making him feel depressed and suicidal when we were trying to have a conversation about last week. I ended up calling the police and reporting him as a runaway. Since he has been diagnosed with suicidal ideation, he was moved to the missing persons list. A police officer called him and told him that he had 2 minutes to call me or he was going to his friend's house and beat on the door until he came out. My son did call and I briefly spoke with him. He sounded calmer, but still upset. He told me where he was, same house he was at last week. He said he was going to go to school and asked that I leave his backpack out for him.

My husband and I made the difficult choice of "changing the locks". I say it that way because we have an electronic punch-code for our front door. We were going to change the code, but ended up taking the batteries out and are now using a key to enter. We don't feel comfortable if he were to enter the house while we're away at work. I know it may sound harsh and I didn't want to, but at this point I don't know what to expect and the last thing I want is for him to come home and steal things from the house, or get upset and trash it. I know how he'll take it. He'll take it as us not wanting him there and get upset by it, but there comes a point in time that I also need to make sure that the well-being of the rest of my household is being looked after also.

I've contacted his therapist and school councilor and filled them in about this weekends events. I haven't gotten a call from the school yet saying that he's absent, so fingers crossed he actually went to school today since he only went once last week. Since he got in touch with me, the officer told me to take him off the missing persons list, but to call and report him again if he doesn't come home tonight. This ended up being longer than shorter, but thank you for taking the time to read and for all of your support throughout this more than bumpy road we're currently on.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42296
   Posted 4/16/2018 11:20 AM (GMT -6)   
It kind of looks like he is being manipulative instead of depressed. It seems like he is using depression and suicide to get what he wants. Have you talked to his friend's parents? You may want to do that. You never know what kind of a household it could be.

Just don't feel guilty for his condition. You are not to blame. He is taking advantage of the situation right now.

I hope he did go to school. You can always call them to find out.

I am glad you changed the locks. If he doesn't want to live there, then he doesn't need a way to get in especially if you and your husband aren't there.

I am sorry for what you are going through. It isn't easy.

I hope you have a good day and I hope that he comes home tonight. He might have to learn the hard way. I hope not.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16020
   Posted 4/16/2018 12:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I am very sorry to read about everything that you are dealing with, not only with your son but you & your husband.

Have you spoken to the boy's mother where he is staying? More often than not, by this lady allowing an under aged kid to stay in her home without making contact with the parents is not a good sign. There is no telling what kind of stories your son has told this person. I would certainly contact the parents where he is staying, it is illegal for them to keep him in their home since he is a runaway.

Legally he is considered a minor & you are legally responsible for him. He is manipulating you to get his way. I would seriously consider getting him admitted to a hospital.

Take care.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

ambling
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 705
   Posted 4/17/2018 6:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kilekine,

It is a very tough situation.
Perhaps remember that he is a child. What he says comes from the perspective of a young, and wild, person. His feelings are intense and changeable.

I agree that you should discuss things with the mother of his friend, where he is staying. Find out what she is really thinking and feeling about this. No doubt the truth is not what it appears.

Although childhood is a long way behind me, I remember how bitterly disappointed I was when my parents would make arbitrary decisions about things that seemed really important to me. Depressed or not, a child feels perceived injustice very deeply. Rightly or wrongly, that hurt is real. How you deal with it makes or breaks people.

Wish you good luck, keep communicating.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42296
   Posted 4/17/2018 7:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kilekine,

JUst wondering how things are going today,

Did you talk to his friend's mother? I hope so.

I would seriously get counseling for him and yourself (at the same time) when you get things straightened out. Or when you get him home.

I hope that things are looking better.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

kilekine
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2018
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/20/2018 11:12 AM (GMT -6)   
UPDATE:
He still has not come home. I have heard from him off and on all week. Yesterday I didn't hear anything from him. The day before was not a good conversation. I message him in the morning that I just wanted to tell him I loved him and I hoped he was ok. He responded, "Sure you do, Steve (my husband) said I'm not welcome there anymore cause my friend did something. So good bye I guess." The day after he left, we expected that he would come home to grab things, which he did. My husband set up a game cam to take video. His friend went over to the camera and deliberately smacked it over. My husband messaged him about it and told him it was extremely disrespectful that he did that. My son apologized for his friend and said he accidentally kicked it over. Which is not true, we have it on video. My husband said that people like that are not welcome at our home, he was talking about his friend, not my son.

He took it that way though. He thought he was being told that he was no longer welcome at the house. I read through the entire text conversation out loud with my mother on the phone and she even understood he was talking about the friend. I understand, he probably read through it quickly and misconstrued it to be about him. My response to him was, "Sweetie, he wasn't referencing you, he was talking about your friend that smacked over the camera. I read through the texts. He never said you were not welcome at the house."

His response, "Yes he did. Just **** off I'm done with all of this and you." My response, "Wow, you have no respect at all. The fact that you are ok with speaking to me like that proves you don't. If you truly feel that way son, than I will let you be." His, "I HAVE NO RESPECT. NEITHER DO YOU. I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN." Mine, "I wish you nothing but the best. I will always love you, you will always be my son even if you want nothing to do with me." His, "You can find me in hell." That conversation sent me into my first panic attack.

I haven't heard from him since, that was Wednesday. I have been tracking his phone. I turned off the data, so all he has right now if text and voice on his phone. I've changed passwords and removed my debit card on any account that he had access to. He has been staying within the area, but is no longer at the house he was initially staying at. At this point, I've pretty much decided that he's determined to figure this out on his own. There's not a ton that I can do at this point. If I drag him home, he's just going to leave again because I'm not changing the rules to accommodate what he wants. I've come to the conclusion that I have to let him fall if he falls. If he decides to come home, we obviously need to have the conversation of what is expected of him while he lives under our roof.

Trying to stay strong and sane through this whole thing. I'm afraid to even message him because his response is only negative and hurtful. He has so much anger and I don't know how to respond to that and I usually don't respond well when I feel attacked like that. But since he's going through a rough time, I am trying not to lose it with him because I would usually attack right back. I know that won't help the situation at all. I hope he decides to come home and we can start to move forward.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42296
   Posted 4/20/2018 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Do you even know where he is staying? Have you talked to the parents of the friend? He is only 13. It looks like he is just using depression and suicidal idealation to get what he wants. If it were my son, I might call the police again. If he is going to run away again, maybe there should be consequences for that. He could end up in juvie.

It is totally your call and I hope he comes back home. But he is acting out and being disrespectful. But that is just my opinion.

I honestly wish you the best. I hope that he comes home and starts seeing things from your perspective.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 4/20/2018 3:05:27 PM (GMT-6)


Tim Tam
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2016
Total Posts : 1222
   Posted 4/20/2018 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
This is my son when he was 13 all over again.

He's now 43.

At 13, he walked in on an argument between me and my wife, his mother. Up to that point, he thought his mother was perfect. When he was 3, I found out that she had been cheating.

We kept it from him for 10 years. At 13, he hears the argument, comes in and wants to know what's going on. There is no more keeping it quiet at this point. If I tell him it hurts him, if I bottle it up for more years, it hurts me. There is no way to win this one.

Talk about everything you've built up for 13 years is about to be washed away in 5 seconds.

I tell him what's going on, in spades. That was 30 years ago. Nothing has changed with him.

After the revelation, he wants me to play basketball with him. We do, for a few minutes. But, it's not the same, for his mother, my wife, is not in on this. She's being left out. It's not the same.

I sense that because you and your husband, his father, split up, he has a lot of anger over that. I also sense when your 2nd husband complains about your son's friend knocking over the camera, your son resents your husband speaking out about that. Because that man is not his father. And you are now loving someone who is not his father.

And at the transition year of 13, he can't take it anymore like he could at 10.

Now, he's going to rag you to no end. He takes joy in taunting you, in your trying to help him. He's paying you back for the marriage situation.

Do like I did, try to find a good heart doctor.
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