Hey gang, long time since I've been here but now is a time I seriously need some of your wonderful support. I suffer from chronic moderate depression and panic/anxiety disorder. I'm on a ton of depression/anxiety meds that do a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check. I do have what my shrink calls "flat affect" in that I pretty much don't exhibit my emotions outwardly. I don't cry or break down when I'm sad and I don't roar with laughter when I'm happy. Basically, I'm just numb.
Here's the thing. My father was just diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer and apparently it's in the last stages. We've just known for two weeks. Apparently, if the doctors had done their jobs a year ago, he could have had lots of treatment options (lawsuit will be pending). Now it's just down to palliative care (keep him comfortable) and hospice(the end is near). He was a vibrant senior citizen always hanging out with me and going on adventures. He liked to take me to all my medical appointment and run errands with me. Two weeks ago that all changed. He drove me and my mother 90 miles to UVA Hospital to get detailed cat scans, MRIs and a liver biopsy. He was laughing and joking with the pretty nurses and was in complete control of his faculties. When they brought him back from the biopsy he was fine, but ten minutes later he started graying out, couldn't respond to questions, and didn't know where he was. I saw him go from a vibrant senior citizen to an 85 year old man. At one point, I thought we might lose him then and there. He had to be admitted to the hospital and stayed there for a week. He saw every kind of doctor you can think of, and unfortunately, the oncologist gave us the devastating bad news that the cancer couldn't be treated with radiation or surgery, but gave us the hope that chemotherapy might extent his prognosis past the 6-12 months they were giving him. We got him home and he just got weaker and weaker over several days and two days ago they rushed him to the local emergency room, and was admitted for more tests and procedures. Now the oncologists say treatment isn't an option anymore.
Keeping on top of his care has become my function. My only sister lives six hours away and is dealing with a MS diagnosis. We aren't close at all. She did manage to come last week for four days to visit. My Mom is prone to monumental breakdowns and can only deal with my Dad so much. Therefore, I've been spending the majority of his hospital stays at his side. I see him slipping away more and more. Mom has been talking about
all the "end" activities that need to take place, like the fact the she had found a copy of an obituary my Dad had written for himself. She's occupying her time commiserating with friends on the phone, and delving into the $$$.
So me, I see my father breaking down from the emotions of his situation and his physical discomfort. He is giving me lists of things I need to do when he's gone that my mother can't deal with, or my sister either for that matter. I have been in this nightmare non-stop and I haven't shed a tear. I am wrecked on the inside, but it just seems to be stuck inside. I have no one to talk to, to vent to. or even seek solace from. My meds just keep me emotionally flat and my head can't make the noise stop. I'm not sleeping much at all, guess I'm just running on adrenaline. I have a therapy session scheduled for Tuesday with my psychologist, but he doesn't control my meds. My "psycho pharmacologist" writes my script
s, but it takes four months to get an appointment with him. My next appointment is in July. Great. My Dad could be gone by then. I am at a loss, so I guess that's why I've been so long-winded. Any comments would be appreciated.