PS: He's blocked me on Whatsapp and I have no doubt that Twitter and Gmail will soon follow. In a way there isn't much of a story to tell. Around 3 weeks ago I became very very depressed, with thoughts that would be moderated on this forum. I told about
them. I picked him, partly he was the one I felt closest to, partly because nothing seemed to phase him and I wanted somebody who wouldn't panic. A couple of days later, after the immediate crisis was over, I realised what I had been asking of him was woefully unfair and apologised. At the same time I also told him - for the first ever time - that I thought I probably loved him. (I hedged the statement with the "I thought" and "probably", but there was no probably about
it.) I also told him I knew the feelings weren't returned, that I couldn't handle it very well and suggested we say goodbye and call it a day.
I can't remember reply without checking my phone. It wasn't that important, apart from the stuff that he didn't
address except with a bland, "Thank you for your honesty". I was so relieved he didn't freak out at the love admission that I took no notice of it at first. But later on, something about
that bland response niggled away at me and I decided to do some serious thinking. That's exactly what I did over the next two weeks: I went through his past posts, read up about
emotional affairs, etc. In the daytime I could function, but in the evenings and at night time I could not get the guy out of my head - I could not sleep without the aid of a sleeping pill (of which I only have a few left; my GP has already told me she will not prescribe me any more zoplicone).
I tried to imagine every possible scenario for our friendship, over and over and over again in my head. I decided that in the end he was not the sort of guy who would leave his wife - I felt guilty for wanting him to, tbh, but I would be lying if I said if I didn't fantasise about
it sometimes. I decided to confront today and hash it one with him one last time. I'll be honest: I was the one who initially said we had to end our friendship because I couldn't cope with being basically the third person in his marriage anymore.
Long story short, his reaction was the one that I had most feared. He wasn't honest about
anything: his marriage, his feelings (for me or his wife), or would concede that he had overstepped his boundaries in any way. Contradicted himself at times too, e.g. first citing age as an excuse for why he wasn't interested in me romantically (I was too young so he felt "protective" of me), then a bit later on he waffled on about
me being his peer, his equal and confidant.
He claimed his wife knew everything and there were no secrets between them, then admitted he didn't have a clue whether she read his WhatsApp messages or not.
I lost my temper, not gonna deny it. Told him that he was hiding stuff from himself, that he compartmentalised absolutely everything. Told him his wife was a wingnut but maybe the reason she had taken that path was because she was missing something in her life too. His only response to that was he had to stop contact for a while, as it was really hurting him.
Oh yeah, this is apparently what he told his wife. Apparently. "I've told her about
my feelings for you. I've told her that I've loved you. I've told her about
your feelings for me. I told her that I felt close to you and that we had what I felt was a real connection." Like really? Is that a normal thing for a happily married man to say to his wife? To me it's not.
Anyway, he was true to his word and vanished from WhatsApp. In the middle of the night he read my posts (as evidence by the blue ticks), after I had said I was going to try to sleep, and blocked me.
And here I am, an hour later. The blocking was the final straw for me, hence why I am posting everything on the Depression forum.
Edit: And yes, I am utterly utterly utterly depressed.
Post Edited By Moderator (Michelejc) : 5/15/2018 1:51:55 PM (GMT-6)