Urgh. Had chilli con carne for dinner, followed by a massive slice of Lotus biscoff cheesecake
. Sadly, they were at war with my guts two hours later ;_;
@Karen - I'm sorry about
your older sister. Sadly, it's pretty common for siblings to become hostile to one another, instead of combining forces against the abusive parent(s). It happened to me: I was the youngest of 4 children. Bullied throughout childhood by my older brothers, nobody to stop it or to boost my self-esteem (apparently at the age of 5 I walked around at a family BBQ telling family members that everyone hated me and nobody liked me - it was apparently taken from Charlie Brown in the Peanuts comic strip. I don't remember that, but I do remember strongly identifying with Charlie Brown when I was a few years older. Dear god, what a role model to pick, but there must have been a reason why he resonated so strongly with me).
Anyway, yeah. There are various reasons why siblings undermine one another. Sometimes the parents encourage it by picking scapegoats and golden children. Other times it's easier for children to lash at anyone else except their parents, the people in the world they most depend on. Either way, it's pretty unlikely that any child will escape unscathed from an abusive or neglectful upbringing: there will be scars, if not physical, then emotional and mental.
I did have long periods of quiet at home, and, in those days, no TV or internet to distract me. There wasn't that much else for me to do in my bedroom apart from read - and so I read. But if you were brought up in a continuously unsafe environment, I'm not surprised you couldn't focus enough to read.
@Trina - Oh god, I have a constant feeling of being alone in this world. Like you, my mother wasn't a hugger. My memory isn't good enough to say she never hugged me, but I don't remember ever being hugged, at least not as an older child (I really remember virtually nothing before the age of 8 or 9). I always felt alone and like I didn't matter to anyone or anything. From childhood I remember that feeling: it was a constant presence.
Spring is my favourite time of year too. By late summer I've had enough and just want the dark evenings and crisp weather back again; but now everything is fresh and new.
Put like that, self-compassion seems more doable: I really can't do the whole looking at myself in a mirror and telling myself I love myself bit - I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror most of the time, let alone declare out loud that I love myself. But I could try and challenge the negative thought loops: thankfully they haven't been that bad today.
@Myself - Yeah, the eye inflammation is called uveitis; every opthamologist I've seen has told me it's linked to the Crohn's. The steroid drops bosh the inflammation on the head for a little while, but I can't get off them for longer than a few days before it comes back. The steroid drops have their own list of complications and I am anxious about
what will happen if I cannot get the uveitis into remission. I'm seriously thinking of asking my GI if I can switch from Entyvio to a systemic biologic (which could reach the eye inflammation - Entyvio won't reach it).
It kind of sounds like you chose to turn a blind eye to your BF's crushes, which I don't think I could do. Having female friends is okay; making a particular female your muse, BBF and confidante not so much. I dunno about
He's wife; I rather suspect she chose to turn a blind eye to it too, but He also could have lied to me about
telling her everything: suspect the truth is somewhere halfway between those two points. As for me, I am trying to avoid dwelling on bitterness, but I cannot help feeling a bit used
at least. Because I was, wasn't I? My BFF turned out in the end to be my BFUTSHTF (My Best Friend Until The $%^ Hit The Fan).
Oh well, at least I've still got my good female friend! And HW of course ;p
Post Edited By Moderator (iPoop) : 5/15/2018 2:03:09 PM (GMT-6)