@Trina - I've been told about
Cruse. I looked it up and there is a local support group which meets up once a month. They also offer one to one counselling (I dunno if it's just a one-off or for longer if you need it). I think what has put me off applying is that X has now complicated things: to me it feels like another death I need to mourn, but of course he hasn't really died - he has just disappeared. I feel guilty for saying this: but it feels like X's disappearance has hit me harder than either my friend or brother's deaths. On the other hand, if my friend and brother hadn't died unexpectedly, I probably wouldn't have ended up so dependent on X.
Life is beyond ****ed up for me at the moment. If it wasn't for two online friends I dunno where I'd be right now. It's still impossible to see a positive future. Anyway, I should apply to Cruse: I really should.
@iPoop - Thank you. I read it. I think it helped a bit. There is no point in constantly beating myself up for something I can't even change now.
Anyway, update time...
I went back to the day hospital today. Wasn't happy with how my care coordinator sprung the news on me - she only let me know yesterday. I went anyway, but in all honesty it felt like a complete waste of time. I was there for three and a half hours; we did about
one hour's worth of actual 'study'. So much wasted time, it's ridiculous. Then when we do finally have a lesson, it really is banal stuff, consisting largely of the sort of lifestyle/wellness tips you'd find in any woman's magazine. Obviously it's good to eat healthily, exercise, have fun, do something creative, connect to loved ones, etc. But if I was capable of doing those things (particularly the connecting to other people), I wouldn't have got to the point I needed psychiatric intervention in the first place! I absolutely long for a positive connection to a loved one: do I have one? No.
Then we had a mindfulness meditation which might have been more helpful, if they hadn't tried to cram too many people into too small a room, leading to a woman in a wheelchair having a panic attack and wheeling herself out of there. I felt that the staff member was making jokes at this woman's expense after she had left the room and said something, quite angrily. The staff member denied that she was talking about
the woman in the wheelchair. I didn't really believe her, but couldn't prove otherwise, so dropped it.
The day hospital has another bad connotation for me, although nothing the staff could know about
unless I told them, to be fair. I sort of associate it with the beginning of the end with X - it's not related to us in any direct sense, but that's when I downloaded WhatsApp and when things started changing.
On another note took my car to the garage this afternoon. They couldn't get the window fixed, so I'll have to go in again, either tomorrow or later in the week, depending on when the part arrives. £200 just be able to move my window up and down again - crikey. Wish the manufacturers had just stuck with a wind-up handle, as they did for the back windows.
Couple of pictures I took of a small garden I took a stroll around this afternoon. I liked the rainbow shot. VIEW IMAGEVIEW IMAGE
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay )
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)