Nearing the end of my rope

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1039smooth
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Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 5/30/2018 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
So, it's been a struggle to be me for 22 years or so. For unknown reasons, around 1996, the depression kicked in. Hm, "chemical imbalance" I guess. Score.

Fast forward to 2011 or so. I start thinking I have issues with my heart, but it turns out it's acid reflux. Is it bad to wish for a minor heart defect versus this hell? I had the fundoplication surgery in 2013 and life's been garbage since.

I've been through probably a dozen antidepressants. Right now, I'm on Pristiq, Lamictil, and was just prescribed Buspar. My psychiatrist thinks it's good to seemingly randomly prescribe things. I went the TMS route and finished that up a few weeks ago. Part of me misses the daily grind of going for treatment, even if it was just a placebo effect sometimes. Something says since I stopped it, it's going to stop working now despite the numerical proof it helped immensely.

I thought a little background might help. Anyway, this is what's up my rear end the past week. I feel like all my good deeds go punished. Last Thursday, I went to see a friend five hours away. Turns out, she couldn't hang long because of another friend causing her trouble. I was left all alone, per usual, in my hotel room. Why even go? Then I met another friend for a meal the next day only to have some unsupervised brats fling food at me. Then I went to another friend's birthday party. Since I had the fundoplication surgery, I can't stand much trauma to my chest. A drunk friend at said party shoved me and I wound up in the ER the next night. Hello, financial ruin! I am insured at least. Now I have a bacterial skin infection by my eye from God knows what. Can a guy catch a break?

So after my appointment with my psychologist today (the topic with him is about my good deeds doing punished), I went to a nurse practicioner regarding the mystery surrounding my eye. Is it poison ivy? Is it shingles? Well, it's believed to be impetigo. ...probably not so bad. Here's where the bad part comes in, at least for me.

For some reason to see my eye, said NP needs me to lean back. I had eaten a couple hours prior, but hello reflux! I've felt bad for about eight hours now. I'm sort of at my wits end. I had fundoplication surgery as I said, that went poorly, gained all the weight I lost and then some post surgery, so I have a hiatal hernia and disrupted 'wrap' from said fundo surgery. Why'd I bother? Can't unring a bell, but it doesn't suck any less. My current GI guy only recommends a particular diet. I can't get into see a new GI guy for two months. I don't even eat dinner anymore for the most part as the suggested 2-3 hours of not laying down after eating don't work for me.

It's all just depressing. I do all this stuff to improve and I just can't overcome the hurdles. I accept responsibility for most of the crap that's up with me, but dang.

2008: Go back to college to finish from my 2004 dropout. Not much to show for it.
2011: Try to have PT on my damaged back. Probably gave myself the hiatal hernia from a stretch and the reflux began.
2013: PPIs apparently didn't work, so let's get surgery! Bad.

Just a few examples. I don't know what I expect from you kind folks, but I had to vent.
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/30/2018 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
And you are so welcome to vent. Sounds like the acid reflux is giving you a difficult time.

Did you try the diet that your GI recommended? Did it help any?

I am going to have to change my diet due to diabetes. I see a specialist on Monday. I now have to check my blood multiple times a day. So I know how it feels when you have restrictions and what not. It doesn't make anything any easier though.

I hope you can get things under control so that you will feel better. One day at a time I guess.

Hang in there Smooth...

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 5/31/2018 12:09 PM (GMT -6)   
It's been a life changer/ruiner, Karen.

I suppose I should give it a shot. I'm unsure how sustainable it is based on the processed crap we eat on the shelves as that's what is so readily available. It's called Plant Paradox diet. The Alkaline diet also makes sense. Alkaline foods are low in acidity. I'll just have to knuckle down and stop being lazy. I'm good at complaining and bad at action.

What kind of specialist are you seeing? Do you know if it's Type I or II? I'm crossing my fingers and toes for ya.

One day at a time is so tough for me for some reason. I would like to think I'll get some kind of relief soon. I do know what's bothering me now will be replaced by something else very soon. Sad, but true.

Thanks for listening and for reading. I get on a roll and am always long winded.

-smooth
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 5/31/2018 1:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I am suppose to see an endocrinologist. I had to look it up because I couldn't remember. I am a little nervous, as my other doc said this guy was excellent at what he does but he is a "matter of fact" kind of guy and that he didn't like the patients saying what they think is going on. But he is the only one near by. I will have questions. I guess I am at his mercy. Ha...

I have type II as far as I know. When I was 28 I had glucose intolerance. It was caused due to stress. I have been diet control all my life until a few years ago I started metformin. Now I have to take glimepiride along with it. Unless the endocrinologist knows of something else. My mother took insulin. I guess my great grandfather on my father's side lost his legs to diabetes. So that is kind of scary.

I eat a lot of fruit and I am sure I will have to cut back some. I don't eat much sweets except my coffee creamer has sugar in it. I may have to stop that. I will probably have to stop. Darn...

I had one doctor that always said, "eat close to the earth". So I try to stay away from processed foods. I do a lot of 'from scratch' cooking. So that helps.

I hope that things do get better for you soon. Keeping our health in check is work. But it is worth it in the long run.

I take Pristiq too. I take abilify with it. I sometimes take Xanax. Not often though.

Try to think optimistically. It probably takes a little time for the treatment (TMS) to level you out. How long have you been on your med combo? You said you just started the buspar. It may take a few weeks to notice a change.

Keep hanging in there and keep posting. It helps to be able to read how you are feeling. For you I mean. Some pieces of the puzzle might come together. Just writing helps.

Keep thinking one day at a time. You never know what can change in a day.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 5/31/2018 1:42 PM (GMT -6)   
I had to look it up, too. LOL.

Oh, his type annoys me. I hope he lets you a get a word in. My GI doctor is that way, too. I think he's a jerk... usually. One reason I'm seeking another.

Stress can do some crazy things to the body. Are you in America? One would think that a less stressful lifestyle would be exercised, but money is always the bottom line. As you probably know, Type II can often be treated with diet.

Well, as I well know, it's frustrating not to be able to enjoy anything... even if it's as simple as fruit. For a period, I thought there was nature's sugar and then added sugar. I don't guess there's a huge difference. Sugar is sugar. I suppose "all things in moderation" is good advice, but c'mon. It's fruit! I'm frustrated for you.

Nice work on your cooking. That's good advice from the doc.

Well, it's going to all kill me one way or another. Leave it alone and die (maybe not that dire) or pay out the behind until debt is up to my eyeballs.

My Pristiq was cut in half because I think it was making me mean. If memory serves, I tried Abilify. My Xanas usage has increased. As depression went down for a period (via TMS), anxiety ironically went up. My psychiatrist wants me to try the Buspar, but I'm going to start it this weekend.

I forget what the NP for the TMS doctor said in leveling out. Honestly, I think I miss the placebo effect of the daily grind and that machine tapping my noggin.

Thanks. My memory is so cluttered, I almost have to go re-read what I said already. Sigh. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 5/31/2018 2:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome 1039

Depression is rough and tumble things to deal with.

Docs really don't randomly toss meds at us, everyone is different and it takes time to find the correct med combo. If your doc as a non challant attitude I would look for a more interest psychiatrist.

Acid reflux is common on antidepressants. I take them with food at all times. I try to include yogurt or some kind of starchy food.

I have been diagnosed with LPR- Laryngopharyngeal Reflux Disease, not pleasant.

However, my ENT suggested a diet, important to stay away from are peanut butter, nuts, potato chips and chocolate of any kind.

The diet does reduce the symptoms a lot, so I do recommend you try it if you haven't yet.

Also, I don't know if anyone have ever talked to you about coping skills. They are my survival buddies.

This is a link with great information to help you through the dark and hard times, because meds don't work all the time to keep emotions level. Emotional storms come and go, and they can be handled better with coping skills.

www.mindful.org

Venting is aloud and even cleansing. However at some point we need to own our illness and help ourselves because no one else can.

We are here to help support, listen and give all we can to help you.

I wish you peace and strength
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 5/31/2018 2:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Trina,

Yeah, I've been round and round and round with it! I win battles. It wins wars.

I forget which med it was, but the psychiatrist prescribed something and it freaked my GI doctor out. That said, the medication was immediately stopped/altered. What you said definitely rings true. As part of my TMS, I'm encouraged to continue the antidepressants as well as weekly therapy with some cognitive behavioral therapy sprinkled in. I could try taking it with some yogurt. Are you aware of any articles or studies online that support this? I don't doubt you, but just want to know more. I could always Google I suppose.

LPR sounds miserable. I've heard of it, but am not the least bit educated.

The diet recommendation sounds good. Avoiding all those makes sense. Sadly, a good rule of thumb is to avoid anything super tasty. sad lol. As I was telling Karen, I'm supposed to try Plant Paradox. Looks miserable. And who knew meat was so acidic? Not I.

I do some cognitive behavioral therapy, sometimes on paper... sometimes in my mind. Helps a little I guess.

I agree. No one can help me, but me. I'm the person that offers to be the sounding board, because so many say, "I could complain, but no one would want to hear it." I think you have to vent or you go nuts, you know? I talk to my ex and she mostly just complains, which weighs on me some, but I guess I get out of my own head for a few minutes anyway.

Thanks so much for writing.
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 6/1/2018 2:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Smooth,

as for diet I can attest to food colorings especially reds, blues and yellows, messing with health from headaches, to intestinal issues.

Neurology has finally added artificial food colorings and some ingredients to the basic trigger list.

I have gone onto a whole food diet 4 years ago. Helps my depression, although I still have bad times.
Thing is I own my diagnosis now 98% of the time, it doesn't own me.

take daily work though.

Mindfulness, soft yoga, music, walks, getting outside just for 10mins a day can help. Even if it is sitting on the front or back step.

here is an article from the Mayo clinic.

/www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/antidepressants/art-20049305

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 6/3/2018 9:09 PM (GMT -6)   
sending peace and strength.....and my compassionate thoughts.

bobalouie2
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2018
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/4/2018 8:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there friend. I posted today about a painful problem too and have also suffered from depression caused by severe psoriasis and hair issues. Now this anal fissure thing! Ahh...it does help to vent...When I get depressed it helps to watch Youtube videos like of Carson show old comedians, Jonathon Winters and Rodney D...Rodney could never get a break or respect...try to stay positive, pray, and remember life is precious. You only get one! Hang in there, you are not alone!

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 6/7/2018 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome bobalouie2

welcome to the forum. Please find time to read the forum rules and guidelines, top right of screen. We are glad you joined us.

Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 6/12/2018 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Trina,

Makes sense that dyes probably aren't good period. I've given it some thought in the past, but not much. I believe Mt. Dew has Yellow 5 I believe for example.

Could you elaborate a little regarding your whole foods diet?

I do need to try walking after meals as I think it aids digestion. At my friend's house a few weeks ago, I got to see out on his porch and watch the rain. I so miss having a porch.

Thanks for the link(s) and thank you for you!
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 6/12/2018 12:38 PM (GMT -6)   
theHT
Thank you so much!

boba
I've had psoriasis, but realized this morning how much worse it could be. I saw a lady in the parking lot from just a minor distance and was trying to figure out the status of her arm. It looked pretty eaten up with it. I started losing my hair around 19 or 20 years of age and it took me a long time to accept it. Denial for the longest time was experienced.

I very much appreciate Rodney Dangerfield and I think about him regularly! On social media, I recently saw a link with him in it regarding how we feel every day of the week. So funny! I'm going to go order Caddyshack oonline I think. It's been too long!

Keep plugging, my friend!
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 6/12/2018 2:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Smooth.

Whole food diet, is nothing [if at all possible] artificial.

I rarely eat red meat. Chicken, I am not crazy about but will eat once and awhile for protein. Love fish

Roast veggies of all kinds, these are my main ingredient of diet. grains and beans. I buy dried and soak them over night. Quinua and others I just by packaged

I make nut butters in my blender and we can fruits in the fall.

It was a slow process for us, not all at once, try first checking labels, after that shock LOL, you will be ready for more, because you will notice how well you start to feel.

Do check out mindful.org, has lots of coping skills to help along the way.

Peace,
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;

bobalouie2
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2018
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/13/2018 11:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes I get sooo down...looks like the derm dr appt. will be needed. My rectal fissure is a true pain, won't heal since Sept. 2017. Pain in the butt, I've lost over 20lbs which is one good side effect. Then I developed psoriasis in and around buttcrack. oh man, Don't want to lose much more weight though, BMI ok now...Really changed my diet, yet skin is not as clear as I thought it would be. My main complaints, going bald, (I've had, get this 20 surgeries to fix bad HT's done by the old chatty Kathy plug method of the early 80's. I've spent about 30K on hair the past 30 years and still have crappy obvious HT hairline. Then have severe psoriasis, ht's cover some of the scalp psoriasis at least. I've lost both my brother and sister in the past 6 months, brother to opioid OD, sister to suicide by gunshot to the head age 56 (she had drug problems too). Had root canal yesterday after a 1700.00 crown a yr. ago, 1225.00 for root canal which he said may or may not work. Can't afford to lose more teeth. Can only chew on left side where RC was done. Taken about 10 diff. antidepressents over the years. On Seroquel now..helps me sleep best. One good thing, I have this little 2 mo. old kitten we adopted yesterday sitting on my lap. She is so content just to be with me. Makes me feel like I have a purpose again. She is so tiny, I named her Mitzi. She is a perfect gold tabby. It's so nice to have a living sweet thing to love you and not judge you that has complete trust. I have a purpose and she is taking my mind off the things that make me depressed..at least enough. Hugs to all the Depressed people out there....Boba...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/13/2018 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Boba,

Welcome to the depression forum.

I am glad you are staying on top of your teeth. That is so important.

I am sorry about the psoriasis. I know how unpleasant it can be.

I hope that things get better soon.

Hugs, Karen...
Moderator-Depression


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bobalouie2
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2018
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/14/2018 8:59 AM (GMT -6)   
All these celebs committing suicide..just goes to show you, money, and fame do not make one happy and stave off a true case of depression. I am really going to miss Anthony Bourdain's show. Reruns may help. I felt like I knew him with his easy talking style. As far as ending it all, I can see why people just can't deal with a large number of health issues that no amount of money can change. Both my bro and sister ended it all the past 7 months. Can't believe I'm the last of us kids left. After awhile they must just give up and feel life is no longer worth living. I've felt that way at times, right now I'm not at that point. I've got a granddaughter age 18 mo. and a grandson age 4. We are going to visit them for his 4th b-day celebration. Got him a Lego set from the Toys R Us liq. sale. Sometimes I get so down at night bec. that's when the med issues flare worst. Nights w.o. sleep get soooo long. The itch builds, the butt hurts and aches like thru your whole body. I feel sooo inflamed all over. Makes me want to just scream!!! Then I hold my little new gold tabby kitten Mitzi and all seems better. She slept with me all night I think last night. I feel so lucky to have her. What a blessing and purpose she gives me. Well wishes to other going thru challenges of depression. Thanks for sharing or listening. Thanks, Bobalouie2...

Lendi
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 336
   Posted 6/14/2018 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
1039 you said something about not eating what tastes good. My hubby has diabetes and asked our Dr. what he could eat since he was given a list of what not to eat. The Dr. (joking a bit) told him if it tasted good don't eat it.

I have heard, note just heard, that really what we need is more acids. Don't know why but it was suggested to take vinegar, pickled stuff etc. And, that the stomach meds make it worse in the long run (I take 4) I never had the guts to try it and haven't even thought about it in a very long while so that advice may have totally went out the window.

It doesn't really matter what it is I eat, though. If it's going to bother me then even water will cause a flair, if not I can eat anything.

Anyway, I wish everyone health and happiness.
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.

Laura Short

"Blessings"

FM/CFS, BP, gastritis, diverticulitis, anxiety/PTSD, adult ADD, hypothyroid, brain lesions, sleep apnea that doesn't respond to a c-pap as far as sleepiness/fatigue goes, insomnia and only sleep in stages 1 and 2 and REM with a tiny bit in 3 and 4.

1039smooth
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 2114
   Posted 6/25/2018 9:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Laura,

Thank you. Please forgive the lateness of my reply. One pretty much HAS to joke about that because, sadly, there's some truth to that saying. "That tastes good. Uh oh!"

I guess some acids can be good, but I don't know as much about it as I should, either.

Best,
John
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." - Van Wilder, Van Wilder

BnotAfraid
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 7515
   Posted 6/25/2018 12:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello All,

Welcome new folks.

Just want to say that there is a Psoriasis and diabetes forum also, if you needed more support or feed back.

Peace
Trina
Moderator - Depression

"...when the gift of sight is cause enough for jubilation."
Billy Collins from the poem. HIGH

DX: reverse Trigeminal Neuralgia;Cluster headaches; Atypical face pain;Hemicrania Continua; raynauds;complex PTSD; recurring MDD,disassociative disorder;
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