Bit braindead right now, but otherwise I've been better the past two days. Still far from 'normal' (something which I haven't been in a long time), but less depressed. Had an awkward encounter this evening though. I was sitting in Waitrose having a cup of coffee, absorbed in my phone, when this lady made me almost jump out of my skin by coming up to me from behind and saying hello - she's somebody I know a little bit and have spoken to a few times. (We both used to know Alan, my local chum who died last year.) I don't like being taken by surprise and I'm afraid I reacted rather defensively, not wanting to engage in small talk. She got the hint and left after a minute or two. I'm really my own worst enemy - I complain about
being lonely but then push people away from me :/ Alan wouldn't have done that. (Although because he was so naive, he did get preyed on by emotional vampires and opportunists a lot.)
@nssg - You sound like you have chronic low-level depression to me or possibly even full-blown depression. Have you ever tried antidepressants or counselling?
As for what you said about
my mum, it's pretty much spot on, but I don't have the strength to break contact with her right now. I have done a few times in the past three years (three times in total, each break lasting a few months). It's kind of a strange relationship with her: most of the time she is fine. She's good company, particularly when she hasn't been drinking. She's not like some narcisstic mothers I read about
, who sound like a nightmare all the time. But when she's awful, she's really really awful. And it's not
the booze which makes her that way either - I mean, perhaps indirectly it is, in the sense of the alcohol scrambling her brain cells over so many years, but she can be just as horrible sober as she can drunk.
Anyway, I'm sure it'll go pear-shaped again sooner or later, but for now things are back to "normal". Also, she is still badly affected by my brother's death: that much is kind of obvious.
@iPoop - I get what you're saying. But humans are social creatures, even introverts: we thrive in social networks 'cos that is how we evolved. And I'm deeply feeling the lack of connections in my life (although I don't always help myself - see: first paragraph). Also, much like nssg said, nothing excites me at the moment: the things that I was previously interested in having a go at I'm not anymore e.g. learning to code, painting/drawing, outdoorsy stuff such as trekking/camping/climbing. Although I have got back into Zelda: Majora's Mask, which is a start I guess - I'm currently stuck on the world's most difficult minigame. I don't need to complete it to progress, but I'm determined to beat it for the piece of heart. (Need a perfect score of 50 and my best is 48...)
As for the march, yes, it was about
Brexit. I don't think the march will make any difference in affecting the outcome - Brexit is happening, that much been clear for a long time imo. But it still would have been nice to go on a peaceful march through London with like-minded people. As for Brexit, I worry about
it every single day. In two years we are no further on than we were: we are no closer to a deal and the government has made no preparations whatsoever towards leaving. Whatever happens, on the 29th March 2019 we leave the EU and become a 'third country'. No deal means the planes don't take off, the lorries can't come in and out of the ports, and we are looking at food and medicine shortages within days. We don't have until next March to make a deal either; we have until October this year. I'm not confident.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay )
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)