I'm sorry that you missed the opportunity for a heart-to-heart with your father. That's enough to make anyone sad for lost opportunities, doesn't it. I often wonder how my life might have been much different if my father had not died at age 33, when I was six. He called me his "Little Miss America," which became "Missy," which morphed into "Mitzi" which morphed into simply Mitz. What I wouldn't give to have him take me into his arms and feel and believe me worthy of that unconditional acceptance and love. What you wouldn't give to sit down and have the heart to heart with your father. The longing is killer sometimes, isn't it.
I have no doubt my mother loves me, but I just don't feel like she likes me very much. And that may be valid and it may not be, that belief. In some ways, I feel it's really unfair of me. She and I are about
as different as two people can be and yet we are mother and daughter and share some parts of our personalities in common.
I first got depressed when a 5+ year relationship fell apart when I had just turned 30. We spent one last Christmas together with my family in the home we once shared on Christmas Eve, although we slept in different bedrooms. On Christmas morning, my mother, who was visiting from Texas, my ex-boyfriend and I went to mass. And I cried through just about
the entire mass until I felt I just had to leave the church. I cried for that little girl that I was 24 years earlier, and I saw her sitting alone and missing her Daddy, and now having another man leave her. I felt great empathy and heartbreak for that little girl, who felt so very alone and sad. I wish I could have one memory of my father. I don't remember him at all. I went to Kindergarten the next day and for show and tell, I said, "My Daddy died last night." I wish I could get a hug that I BELIEVED was unconditional acceptance and love for me. I wish I had not completely given up on love 32 years ago because of the fear that I would not survive another loss. What a waste of a life to let fear control you and convince you to give up.
I don't know what I believe about
a Heaven or Hell, any kind of afterlife. I always say 12 years of Catholic education cured me of Catholicism. I am not a religious person. But wouldn't it be so sweet if it were possible that I could get that hug I so desperately needed/need and want and you could have that heart to heart talk with your father.
Post Edited (MitzMN) : 10/22/2018 5:33:04 PM (GMT-6)