Posted 2/3/2006 8:11 AM (GMT -6)
Thanks for the sharing again - there are so many sides to consider in this whole experience, I really don't know which end is up right now. I did make an appt for my daughter with the psych. for next Friday and she meets with the social worker on Monday. I was able to talk with the social worker a bit, ask her how she did things, and what i should be doing or not doing in the meantime. I am good with the alternative to cutting - Gaby and I came up with plucking the eyebrows - it hurts, and it's productive, and they look great right now. The lady said it was good that i didn't forbid Gaby to go there, but to allow her, and give her an alternative. geez, i thought that one up on my own... I am just glad it fell in the good thing to do column, so much doesn't. This is such a hard place to be. i get how my daughter is feeling, i know the pain of depression and lonliness and feeling like a loser, it's just that i am an adult and supposed to have it together, especially when it comes to helping your own kids, it's hard to have your own issues and deal with kid issues too. in our first talk, gaby walked all over my issues, blaming me and accusing me and a world of hurting stuff, it was hard to hold on to me and come back and remind myself I was the mother and I am allowed to tell her what to do, to have family rules and boundaries and be the one to say life isn't fair, and fair is never equal... I don't mean to sound rude or non feeling here - I am - more than anyone could probably realize from my writing, but I am also the mother here, I get that Gaby is hurting and I hate to see it, but i can't let it dictate what I do or don't do, or change the rules that she herself has lived by because this year sucks. I would love to make things easier for her, this is my child, i had placenta previa with her, I was on bedrest for 6 months, had to give my oldest to someone else to care for because i couldn't care for a toddler, stayed in bed or in the hospital bleeding most of the time, she was delivered 7 weeks early because the placenta tore at my cervix (I was dialating already) and she went to NICU, she was so tiny... I would have gladly traded places with her to ensure her survival then, and i did everything the doctors told me to bring her to life, and I'd take that pain and have it myself now if it was possible. But I can't. thats the sucky thing with being a parent, you can't take your child's pain away, you have to stand by and watch them live through it, hope you are doing all you can and remain the firm foundation because that's what they need you to be. To be less than this, would be disservice to my daughter. But i hate it, because it pains me more than she could know right now, but when she has a child of her own, she'll understand - oh and I hated that when my mother said it to me, but it's true. parents hurt when their kids hurt, or at least this one does.
Gaby has permission to chat with her friends when she asks for the phone, and she has a time limit, and i am not a gestapo with a watch making sure she obeys, it's honor I want her to learn. Her friends can come here, but she can't go there (the brother of the girl that cuts is into ****, how can i let her into that house? how do i know this? i picked up the phone to make a call and she was on and talking with him. i calmly hung up the phone and went to her and told her to do the same and then told her my thoughts on ****ography, do you know how scary that is?) The family of her best friend, that cuts herself, where the relationship is very one sided - barbara is very needy and Gaby is trying to be there for her, but she is realizing the truth of this relationship. i explained yesterday that some friendships are like that, soem people don't know how to give of themselves, and we are there for them because we know how, but we can't take on their burdens as if they were our own. i am 39 and trying to learn and live that, i hope to give my daughter the benefit of my experience and maybe one day she'll get it. She continues to be true to Barbara and i respect that, even though i dont like it. I don't like most of her friends, but i have never denied her be friends with any of them but one (good cause and mom's intuitition was LOUD and CLEAR and she showed her true colors and hurt Gaby, terribly). She isn't allowed over here ( she would come over, walk in the house, go to Gaby's room and yell for Gaby to join her, no hello to me or anyone, and then she would leave, no good bye...when i mentioned that to gaby, then she would find me and how she said hello would make anyone's skin crawl, it was SOO disrepectful.) That girl has moved on, i guess she found she had no use for Gaby, it hurt to watch, but not to see this girl go, and it was good to see my daughter see this and get it and walk away tall.
I am trying very hard to be open minded and not cut her off from the world, though i will admit that as her mother, my first instinct is to wisk her away from all this pain and put her somewhere safe, but since that's not logical, I can't do that.
Honestly, I think she's realizing she didn't chose the best kind of people to be her close friends, and that's what is going on here, I thnk these girls are causing her pain, and the boys too, not because I said no to dating, but because she has morals and values and these kids cross the line and it isnt' what Gaby wants to do. i believe to have these values and admit them in today's society is a hard thing. Both my kids wear the promise ring (to save themselves for marriage). They did this on their own, i simply provided the ring when asked. They wear it proudly, but it costs them and sometimes it's off their finger, and I dont 'complain, because I know it's what is in their heart that matters most.
Am i making sense here? I don tmean to cut Gaby off from the world, I think it's them saying we don't like the rules you live by. Would my duaghter like to change some of them, I am absolutely certain she would - but where does a D get you in today's world? If only they would grade for her cute outfits everyday, it would help a lot. She has a gift there, and in high school she can build on that gift with her electives, she is looking forward to that, but she has to get there first... and having a boyfriend? we already learned that it was harder than she thought, he wanted too much from her, he's older, he's a guy, that's how guys think (most of them, I do believe in exceptions, I'd like to think my older son is one of them). She couldn't give him what he wanted, not because i told her no, but because it was something she didn't want to do. That caused pain in school because he let his mouth run with lies... Personally, I wish i could go find this boy and bring him inside by the ear and tell him a thing or two, but that wouldn't be good in today's society, i'd probably go to jail...yet it's okay for him to trash my duaghter's reputatin because she didn't put out? ahhh! it's a parent's nightmare! He made her feel special because he thought he'd get something in return, he didn't, and now he is gone, they have nothing to say to each other. it breaks my heart, and yet i am glad, but to learn this hard lesson at 12? it's why i'd rather her not date. it isn't forbidden though, she did it anyway, and she will again if another guy comes along that catches her interest, i am sure. my job is to give her the right tools to learn how to hold onto herself...things i never learned in time, that's for certain.
so maybe this lady will help, both of us, this is a long term counseling thing, with family counseling involved and highly encouraged. i think it will help all of us learn to communicate better, help her dad be more accessible (he is very black and white, very military) help me not be so anxious at every turn. it's still scary though.
thanks for words about the meds, that helps...a mood stabilizer...Sheryl...how did you make the connection from an anti-depressant to mood stabilizer too and mania? i am curious, you live this, what did you see that i havent seen?
Sasha, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I did not mean to pounce all over it, I was just trying to give the view of being mom here, though i can relate to what you are going through, i've been there, i know this pain, i understand that black hole and sometimes its right beside me, wide open, waiting for me to jump on in.
Gaby does not know i don't like her friends (except that one), just for the record. i've shared that here where it is safe, not with her, because i agree with you 100%, it will make her want it all the more. to take everything away, to pull a "dr. phil' would be catestrophic in my opinion. She has her room with all a 12 year old girl could want, she doesn't have an active social life right now because D's are not allowed, I'd be okay with a C from her (though Nic is different, and a C wouldn't be good from him). Gaby has tenacity (clearly, or she wouldn't be here today, fighting her little self through all the preemie issues, always been in a rush...) and i can't lower my standards because she needs a social life. She n eeds an outlet, certainly, there is the phone, no more computer (it was way too messy, way too ugly what little girls say about each other, it hurt her more than i think i know, but I can imagine) and her friends can come here, she is involved in the youth group at church, i haven't taken that away. Just Saturday night skating...it's the cost of the D's (that would be plural) on the report card.
alrighty, no more justifying my own actions here for me, i am the mom, the pay sucks but the job is worthwhile in the end, or so they tell me, i've had soem awesome moments, so i will stick it out LOL like i have a choice! i love my babies, please know that.
thank you guys, all of you, for everything you have shared, it helps so much to come here and to read what you all think, all of it, because it gives me some frame of reference and i truly to appreciate it. please don't stop sharing, you guys are part of the knot in my rope right now, helping me sort out what to keep and what to chuck...