No one is born hating themselves, so at some point you must have learnt to hate yourself. I had learnt it by age 5 - at a family gathering I apparently walked around solemnly telling members of my family that "everyone hated me". It was a phrase I had picked up from Charlie Brown, but I know my 5 year old self meant every word.
What did your family do to you (or didn't do) to make you hate yourself? What about
school? Were you bullied?
You don't have to answer the questions here. I'm just trying to get you to think about
where the self-loathing might have originated. Even if you do know, you'll still hate yourself. But perhaps you can at least begin to see it's not *all* located inside you, even though it feels like it is.
It sounds like you have very high standards which you can't meet. Welcome to my world. It sucks. I doubt you are willing or able to lower your expectations, but perhaps you could realise that a) you are not as useless at everything as you think you are and b) other people aren't as amazing as you think they are.
If you can access one, I'd recommend a therapist. I do know it's expensive and not everyone can afford one, but if you can I think it could help you a lot. An antidepressant might help with the rumination, but in my experience ADs only suppress thoughts, they don't actually change them. That's fine as long as the AD continues working, but if it doesn't then the negative thoughts will start to come back - as happened with me. However, perhaps even a temporary break will give you the impetus you need to be able to break out of your rut and try something new.
I would like to say more but it's late and I need to get to bed.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay )
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)