Posted 1/9/2019 5:08 PM (GMT -6)
finding it very difficult to get access to mental health resources (on the west coast of the US).
endeavors made more frustrating by the fact that i am in my third trimester of pregnancy.
before becoming pregnant, i tried every drug under the sun. often have trouble remembering all of them when a new provider (e.g. OB) asks what i've tried in the past. had ECT in 2012; felt like it made things worse and i gained a ton of weight.
just sent another e-note to my primary care provider re: a psychiatry referral, but am feeling very lonely/despondent.
have a loving husband who suffers from depression as well. i am very lucky to be able to communicate with him honestly. even though there are no secrets between us and he knows i am trying to find help, i feel i am a huge burden on him and his resources.
i am not currently working or volunteering, as pregnancy has been more troublesome than anticipated.
toying with the idea of going back to school (am almost 32) to find a career; it would be a costly, years-long process and i want to make sure i am making that decision for the right reasons.
husband told me "he would gladly pay for school if it would make me happy". i feel so terribly guilty about the idea that he would pay for my happiness. i know that's not what he meant per se, but i can't shake the feeling.
haven't had alcohol during my pregnancy, but am always worried that my occasional benadryl will hurt it.
i am haunted by the knowledge that if i hadn't thrown out all my medications when i got pregnant (muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, xanax, etc.) that i might have taken some in desperation, despite the risk to the fetus.
terrified of giving birth and how having a baby will make me feel; that's another story...