Posted 3/11/2019 1:39 PM (GMT -6)
So I made this account just to post my story, because I have nobody else to talk to. I'm falling apart and I'm afraid to go into the next day. Life seems more like an ordeal than anything. I should probably explain what got me to this point.
I recently got out of college, and I've been unable to find a job, which is really frustrating. I went into Vet Tech school, but despite getting my certificate, and having an internship on my resume, I still can't get hired. But that's only the beginning of my problems.
about two years ago, I started having an existential crisis that I don't think I've fully recovered from. It started with the death of one of my cats, while I was living away from home, which hurt me pretty hard. I've always been close to my pets, so when they die, it always depresses me. But then, I don't remember what kicked it off, I just started thinking about things, and how they don't last. Then it hit me: Nothing lasts. My pets will grow old and die, and pretty much none of my possessions will last. Video games will wear out, game systems will wear out, Dvds will wear out, and yet I'll still be alive. And it just adds up and makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything.
Another thing is the loss of shows and things I enjoy. A lot of my time is spent on writing fan fiction, reading it, and stuff like that, since I don't really have any friends. My favorites are the Marvel Cinematic Universe and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (Yes, I know, I swear I don't jack off to it). The latter in particular really surprised me. It's one of the most creative fandoms I've ever seen, with stories, artwork, music, freaking everything. But it's approaching it's ninth season, which I believe is confirmed to be it's last, and people will move on to other things. There's an entire website dedicated solely to fan fiction for that show, and once the show's gone, how long is it gonna last? I've started obsessively downloading every single story I've added to my favorites, but it's taken up over 130 MB, and I don't know how much room I'm gonna have left. Plus, I've seen things like this, which makes it feel futile. People will stop making these wonderful things and forget about them, and the videos and stuff will vanish from the internet. I also try to drown out my anxiety by watching stuff on youtube, like the Nostalgia Critic and Game Grumps, but then my brain reminds me that eventually, these creators will stop creating. I don't know what's gonna happen to their stuff when they're done, but I'm betting they'll vanish from the internet eventually. Yes, I know it's pathetic to get upset over stuff that's so trivial, but that's all I have.
I'm already in therapy and getting medication, but it doesn't help. I don't have any friends, so there's nobody to talk to. I don't see the point. And I hate the philosophy that something is beautiful because it doesn't last. All that does is leave me with cruddy memories of wonderful things that will never come back. Even death doesn't feel like an exit, because I'm afraid of whatever comes next. I'm agnostic, because I've never had that inner feeling that God existed, and I couldn't discount the experiences in other people. But now, my brain won't let me stop worrying about it. Because if there's no afterlife, there's no chance to ever meet my loved ones again. I guess reincarnation wouldn't be so bad, because I wouldn't have memories of the things I've lost, but again, there's no guarantee of that either. My biggest fear is that when you die, you just go to a bottomless black void where noting exists, you can't see, you can't feel, and you can't move. Just alone, for eternity. Even worse is that I can't make myself commit suicide, because my ***** of an older sister and I are pretty much all my mom has, and even in the depths of my despair, I can't make myself hurt my family. It's like I'm in a living hell, and there's no alternative. I don't know what to do. I need help so badly, but I don't see how anybody can change my circumstances. God, I'm so lost...