Posted 4/17/2019 6:21 PM (GMT -6)
for the past few weeks I've been slowly spiraling out of control. I just feel like a failure and a reject, all the bad feelings are coming rushing back. I just feel hollow and lonely. I've always felt this way, but its been a while since a depressive episode has brought all of it back. When I was younger I used to be talkative and outgoing, but after I had finished junior high I was a depressive, anti-social outcast. If I had to guess I would say this was mostly due to me being bullied for most of my school years before high school. I never really had many close friends, and it seems the few that I do have rarely stick around for long. I've never been in a relationship, I wouldn't even know where to begin one. So I've always felt lonely, like there is a piece of me missing. I've tried to fill this emptiness with different hobbies and interests but it's never more than a band-aid. Right now I feel like nobody outside my family notices me, I put on a plastic smile, gel up my hair, and dress nicely in the morning only to be invisible. I feel like I'm putting up this elaborate facade for no one, like everything I do is futile.
All I want is someone to care about me, and someone I can care about. No matter how hard I try I worry I will always be alone. I don't want to wind up like my dad, who never found love until he was almost in his forties. I don't know how much longer I can put up with feeling like this.