So I have felt myself sinking for a very long time within my emotions. Every year just seems to get worse, especially when I started at a university last year. I am a psychology student so I find myself relating a lot when the classes discuss depression and some hints of anxiety. The more I ponder, the more I feel like it relates to how I feel. I used to be a straight A’s and B’s student until around junior year of highschool. I slowly become more lazy and cared less and less about
my grades. I had become content with just getting by.
Since graduating highschool, that trend has continued and now I am to the point of failing college. As much as that hurts to admit, I find myself not really caring either. It isn’t that I’m not interested in the material. I love what I study but I have no motivation to do anything with my life. I am a very avid Gamer but even that has become biring and I find myself not enjoying that like I used to. I just lay around, and don’t want to move. I’ve always been a lazy individual but not to this extent.
I used to go to work all through highschool, always on time, enjoyed going most days and making money. I cared about
my grades for the most part I suppose. Now I just want to sleep and do nothing. Im sitting here and watching as my lack of motivation is causing everything to crumble around me. This bothers me and it causes me sadness but I just can’t find the motivation to act on it. I need to help myself but I can’t make myself.
The worst part is seeing the disappointment in my parents. I despise letting them down and I can read it in their eyes every time they have to hear about
my grades sucking or how I’m failing to do basic things like going to class or going to work on time. I feel needlessly tired all the time. I can sleep for almost 8-10 hours and still want to continue. I no longer hang out with any friends, not that I really ever did that much anyway, always been a real home body but I find myself watching my friends go out and do things that I would like to do but I always find myself refusing and deciding to just stay in my room.
I always think to myself “what’s the point, they don’t think the way I do and I doubt I’ll meet anyone else that understands or accepts my views on stuff. I feel incredibly lonely I guess. At this point, I feel like I’m just rambling and I doubt anyone reads this far. It does feel nice to write out my thoughts though so I guess this is serving some slight purpose.
I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to. I feel like therapy is the way to go and being a psychology student, instructors drill it in our mind that it’s fine to go but the though scares me. Sounds dumb since I plan to possibly being a counselor or therapist myself. I love the thought of helping others, but I don’t think I’ll get the chance if I don’t take the initiative to help myself. But even with that in mind. The financial issues, failing of classes, lack of wanting to do ANYTHING and overwhelming feeling of being alone is just too overpowering to pick myself up under.
I don’t know what I’m seeking by spouting my thoughts here, I feel like I know what I need to do, I just can’t mind the willpower to act. Maybe someone can read and relate to how I’m feeling, at least they can feel like they aren’t the only ones. Am I the only one in this endless cycle of disappointment and failure, only to make myself feel worse as it continues to get bleaker.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/30/2019 4:38:42 AM (GMT-6)