Posted 3/3/2020 5:56 PM (GMT -6)
Well, you're reaching out for help so there is some hope.
You say, "I do believe some things are a choice like the choice to stay alive but other things aren’t, like I don’t have the choice to be alive and feel well."
I know this is simplifying it, but I attended an Al-Anon meeting one time, for relatives or friends of alcoholics, and it was a group discussion. When it came my turn to talk, I started listing my troubles in a sad tone of voice.
The woman next to me put up with it all, and when I was finally finished, she summed it up in a sentence or two. She said,
"Oh, you were having a pity party. We've all done that."
Let's break that up. "Pity Party." In Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous, Pity Party means, feeling sorry for yourself for a long time.
OK, "were." Meaning, past tense, as in "You `were' having a Pity Party," not that you're still having one.
OK, "We've all done that." Wait, I'm not the only slob in the group? No, it meant, I was part of the group. Everybody's had a Pity Party.
The ball's in my court. What I've actually been called is a crybaby in front of five other people. But in a nice way. But it went down to my psychic, as in, I don't ever want to be called that again, so I better not be saying those words or feeling those feelings.
It put a stop sign to those baby feelings, as in, grow up.
I had been encouraged by my mother all of my life to feel sorry for myself. That's how I won and got her approval. By losing. In five seconds, this woman overruled my mother.
I have never felt sorry for myself again.
You say, "but the trauma has been done and if I can’t have a normal state of mind and well being, how can I cope?"
I don't know about the trauma, but I know you're reaching out for help, and that's a good sign.
If I can stop feeling sorry for myself, raised by a mother who was sexually abused and put us children through torment, is there anyway you can address the trauma? Or, as that woman might put it, "Oh, you've had some rough times. We've all experienced some of that."
And she didn't give me one pill of medicine.