Hi AMDragon, I wanted to say welcome to healing well forum. We are glad to have you. I hope that we can provide the kind of information and support that you are looking for.
I also have had depression since I was a child due to abuse. When I was in high school I tried cutting and other ways of harming myself but it didn't relieve any of the inner turmoil that I felt so I abandoned this idea. I can sympathize with the feelings that you have posted as I have felt this way most of my life. I often would have thoughts of ending my life and the only reason why I didn't was because I knew that it would absolutely kill my mother. It sounds to me as if you have the very same situation. I have been on antidepressants for over 12 years now. However, there have been peroids inbetween this time when I have gone off my meds or had to quit taking them for some reason or another. When I did these feelings always would come back and then I knew it was time to get to the doctor and get medication again.
Please seek help from a doctor, psychiatrist or counselor. We are here for you.