I feel like I am always trying to hide who I am..I mean, in real life. I should probably explain that I have social anxiety...I have a difficult time making friends and can't handle large crowds. I can't help thinking that nobody wants to talk to someone like me, who is introverted with only a few friends. I mean, I am at Uni, so most of the students I try talking to seem to socialize by going to bars and stuff. Which is fine, except I don't really go to bars because I don't really have anyone to go to them with. It seems like every conversation I have with other students ends up being about what clubs they like, what parties they are going to that weekend and stories about being drunk. And obviously I can't really contribute to those conversations...I mean, I don't go to parties. I am a home body.
I feel like this is a secret of mine. That I can't let people see how introverted I am and what a home body I am or they will think I'm a loser or boring. So I make it sound like I go out. Even some of the people I am getting to know better this year, I am afraid of becoming too close to them or they might find out what I am really like. I'm afraid they'll decide that I'm boring and no longer be interested in me. Like I am starting to feel stressed out about this guy I have a crush on, because he's starting to get to know me better and he's very outgoing and I am not and I feel like he might think less or me or pity me or something if he realizes that I don't have very many friends and basically have no life.
Anyway I am tired of hiding who I am, but I don't know how to stop hiding, or if I should stop. It's just depressing that I am not like other people. It seems like everyone expects/wants me to be a certain way (outgoing) or else there is something wrong with me. One of my highschool friends from back home told me that I am "kind of a hermit/loner" (I forget which adjective she used). That comment really hurt me. I mean why does she care how I live my life? If she thinks it can be done better, she can go do it herself. I have stopped talking to her since then because I feel really uncomfrotable with her always asking me about my social life. I mean I am doing the best I can, ok? Sorry for not being miss social butterfly.
Well I guess that's all I have to say...just wondering if anyone else knows how I feel. I just wish I could be myself and be accepted for that, but I feel like I am not, by most people. I think this is the major source of my depression. Do you know what I mean?