I just emailed my mom about how I think I have a serious problem and I need to go see someone about my recurring depression. This is the response I got from her:
Why dont you try doing some service, so that your head stops spinning
around your-self? There is a lot of need in this world today for people as
talented and brilliant as you to go out and give your contribution for a
necessary change. You are here for a reason, we all go through what you are
feeling right now. Do you want to get out of it?
While I know she means well, my whole life she has given me some variation of this answer whenever I told her about my major depressions. I'm starting to realize that she's probably in denial. She thinks it's as simple as changing my mindset. Well, guess what? I wish I could do that and I don't WANT to have a depression problem...why would I keep bringing this up after all these years if it wasn't a big deal? Part of it is that I do have "good periods" in my life where it seems that I'm making great progress but I always somehow return to this depressed state. It almost feels like the "progress" that I make is all a waste since it always brings me back to the same exact place.
Do any of you ever feel guilty for being so obsessed with your own problem when there are so many other problems in the world? Like this depression cloud is a self-indulgent act to somehow keep us in this miserable state we've become so comfortable in?? I for one, have tried being of service to others, but come to find that if I'm not happy with myself, I am not doing much good for anyone else in the process. And it makes me feel worse that in my attempt to help others, I'm only bringing them down. SO I've accepted being selfish for awhile to find help but sometimes feel I am wallowing in self pitty, which feels terrible but somehow numbingly reassuring because I don't really have to be part of anything other than myself.