I'm not really sure one how this site works, but at this point I'm willing to give anything a try. I am a 20 year old law student finishing up my first degree this year. I am fairly good looking, overall in good physically health, have a mother and father which I know just want the best for me deep down inside, I am intelligent, currently engaged, moving to a new city at the end of the year into a home made specially for me, but somehow the ghosts of the past just won't leave me alone.
I am experiencing exstreme guilt for feeling this way since there is so much other people with situations far worse than mine. But I catch myself feeling unhappy, depressed, unable to contain my emotions and overall just completely suicidal.
I'm currently still living with my parents, which as I said just want the best for me, but express their emotions in a dominating over-protective manner. I'm without transportation and live far from the core of the city. I feel trapped in my room, since the communication between us is not what it's suppose to be. I'm not allowed to do anything - if I point out I would like more freedom - then they think I don't appreciate them. If on an odd occasion I get the desire to drink one glass of wine - then I'm an alcoholic. Confronting them about my sad emotional state just provokes the reaction of: "we're all tired and sick of life". I feel like I'm serving out a jail sentence. I've always been the perfect "role-model" child completely different from my sister, the "rebel", but since I've grown up and started thinking for myself if I can put it that way, they still expect me to be perfect. I started smoking for example about six months ago and my mother wept about it for 2 weeks from dissapointed that her "perfect child" would do something like that. My home is suppose to be a place of tranquility and I dread going there.
I've also had 3 exstremely bad relationships this past year. The first one a guy who I lost my virginity with and then he just dissapeared, only to show up again a month later to batter me about what a ***** I am. The second constantly telling me of how many imperfections I have physically and mentally. And the third who I later found out had a girlfriend (which I new nothing about), and when I tried to get out of our so-called "relationship", he raped me. In fear of going to anyone for the rejection and disgust I might encounter, I hid it. And when I missed my period I was terrified that I might be pregnant. I desperately called abortion clinics thinking this was my only way out. And when it turned out I wasn't pregnant I blamed myself for even thinking of murdering my baby. My motherly instinct is sometimes I think even more than some woman’s and I would never ever consider that option again but will never fully recover from the thoughts that came into my mind at that stage and the blame I had put on myself because of that.
My work environment is completely gastly. For about 5 months now the situation has just deteriorated. Every day seems to be getting worse and I feel that I just can’t bear it anymore. Everything I do (and that’s quite a lot considering I’m suppose to be a full time student) is missed by the manager and it would seem that I am in trouble now everyday for the most absurd of reasons. My best friend in my workplace resigned about 3 months ago and since everyone is using me as a target I work myself sick just not to think of how lonely I am and make sure I’m not in the office at lunch time to avoid uncomfortable encounters with my other employees.
I can’t consentrate which led to the fact that my academic work is drastically taken a fall. I can study all I want but I just don’t get the desired marks – not because I’m stupid or unwilling – just because the facts won’t sink in.
Further even though my family is happy for me nothing I plan for the wedding their happy with. I want it small and cosy but they just want to brag and now their not even gonna come!!
I’m in a ghastly financial situation. I once was on Luvox for depression but since the drug is so expensive I can’t even afford the medication. I have no support from my family, no true friends, an unhappy life and just one life string to hang on to. My fiance. But I’m so afraid my issues and baggage of the past will scare him away. So far he’s coping very good with my constant mood swings and unexplainable anger fits but I’m so afraid. So dreadfully afraid he’s gonna leave me because of who I am. Somebody please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!