Hi ya Fleebee
i'm trying hard to be a ghost about HW, but it's not working to well at the moment, theres always going to be something that reaches in and grabs my heart and this is one.
First, i can understand your feelings and guilt, and how it affects your relationships, i have been there though different circumstances and im a male, but the effects are the same, and theres no easy answer, you have been brave twice now, once to your man and once here on HW and thats a great start, telling your story over and over will help you greatly, and also writing it down, getting some confidence in your own worth is so important, and by taling about it as much as you can, will help this, even if you initially scout around it and slowly add more, many of the trust issues will fall away, though not all
As for the Counciling, i don't know what it's about over in the US, but here some will have a free meet you session, and this is helpful, because you can feel your way a little, though i think it would be much better for you to see a woman, i was lucky because the woman Psychologist i seen was wonderful, i gave her 400+ A4 pages of my life story, and she read it, and remembered pretty much most of the details, but you are right, you need to see the right one and that can only come from how you feel about them,
you can leave most of this behind you, but it is hard work to start, as els writes, and if you make this start i think your man will support you all the way, just as we will here
Hideous things are done to children and people, that destroy so many lives, Families, friendships, but you are so much more than what happened to you, and thats what you will find in time with a little courage that you have shown here
keep posting Fleebee, there are some really wonderful people here who do understand you and will support you, and maybe have a little fun sometimes too
you've met Elisha, she's a darling, but there are many more