I'm new to this site. I just turned 23 years old, and I don't know who I am, not really. I can't remember life before antidepressants. I do remember that doctor visit when I was fifteen and asked to take something because I thought I was depressed--the doctor asked me if I'd been feeling sad a lot, and I said yes, and that was that. Without further discussion, I was written a prescription for Prozac. I can't remember the way I felt before taking it. All I know is that on it, I tried to kill myself (Nov. 8, 1999). I knew I never would have done that had I not been taking the drug, so I asked to go off it. My doctor wouldn't let me stop taking it without taking something else, so I tried Zoloft. I didn't like how it made me feel, so then I changed doctors and changed drugs again. This was around 4 years ago. I started taking Effexor and Wellbutrin. When I started taking the Effexor, all I remember is that I was CONSTANTLY yawning and grinding my teeth. It was awful, but made a little manageable by the Xanax I was prescribed while starting the Effexor. I was gradually upped to the dose of 150mg Effexor. I've wanted to stop taking antidepressants for years now. I honestly don't believe I ever had Depression. After my suicide attempt I was diagnosed with Major Depression, but I truly believe all the symptoms I felt were caused by a reaction I had to the Prozac. I don't know what to do now. I just want to be normal! I want to live my life without having to take a pill every morning first thing when I get up. Throughout the years of taking Effexor, I noticed that whenever I missed a day of it, I was unusually irritable, and I would even start getting dizzy. I've tried twice now to stop taking it, both times by tapering off. I do fine when I'm reduced from 150 to 75 mg. I have almost no symptoms during that transition. But a week ago, I had a dr. appointment and she put me on the 37.5 for 4 months. I don't know if I'm going to make it that long. Ever since I've been taking the Effexor, I've lost interest in things I used to love. I don't feel emotion like I used to. I get really angry a lot of the time, and I'm hostile towards my parents and friends ALL the time. I have being that way, but I really don't know how to stop acting like that. I feel like everything anyone says to me is an attack on me personally. Even compliments are perceived as attacks. I guess that's paranoia. Anyway all these things are worse since I've started taking the 37.5. I've been crying much more than ever before, I've had an upset stomach for the past week (including vomiting a couple days ago--I almost never get so sick that I throw up). My head has been throbbing, with intense pressure around the area of my eyes. I can't seem to focus on anything except how ill I feel. The "head zaps" as I call them have returned. I first experienced them the first time I tried to quit Effexor. That time, I tapered down from 75 to 37.5 and then down to nothing after 2 weeks of 37.5. I didn't even make it the whole day without taking Effexor. I couldn't turn my head in any direction without the sensation that my brain was being electrocuted. The zaps were really short, but occurred all the time, every few seconds, and were more intense when I was moving. After a few hours of being awake, I just lay on the couch and cried. I could barely move. Then I took some Effexor, and within a few hours, I felt "fine." Now, I'm feeling the same things again. The smallest upset in my routine sends me into a fury or a crying fit. Today, my water was turned off because the water company has been sending my bill to the wrong address. I cried when I called them on the phone. I'm feeling so alone. I am going to college, and I'm a terrible failure at it. Since the antidepressants, my grades have plummeted, and my weight has skyrocketed. Since the dosage adjustments on my Effexor, I've put on at least 30 pounds. Anyway, I go to Georgia Southern University, and I live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment (well, with my 2 cats--I guess that's not totally alone). My parents are only two hours away, but I feel lost here. I care about nothing. I sometimes feel this irrational fear that I'm not going to survive. Today, I knew my water would be turned back on before nightfall, but I was terrified that I'd be without water forever. It was crazy. I don't want to feel crazy. I've also been really lethargic. Moving makes me so fatigued. I'm in a constant daze. A trance-like state, even. I went to class today but barely remember going there. I don't know what to do. I know if I go see my doctor, she'll just put me back on a higher dosage of Effexor, but I don't want to take it anymore! So I feel like I can't go back to my doctor. I just want to stop taking it! I don't think my doctor even believes that these things I feel when I stop taking Effexor are real. I asked her once about withdrawal from Effexor, and she said she'd never heard of any withdrawal from it. When I first started taking it and told her about my yawning, she laughed. It's not her fault. She's not a psychiatrist; she's an internist. Doctors are apparently not educated well about the effects of antidepressants. That or they're compensated somehow for how many antidepressants prescriptions they write. I wish someone had told me about all these terrible effects of this terrible drug. I'm really just using this site to vent, I guess. I don't really know what I'm writing for. I can't concentrate, and my head hurts, and I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. Since dropping down to 37.5 I've been sleeping a lot. I already was sleeping 10 to 12 hours, but now I'm sleeping like 14, and all I want to do is sleep all the time. I have been having terrible, vivid dreams that seem totally real, but when I wake up I don't remember anything about them except that they were nightmares. I awaken feeling frightened, terrified even. The college thing: I don't care about going to class, and I fear I'm going to fail. I can't motivate myself to do anything. If anyone has any advice, please share it with me. I just want to feel like I used to before the drugs (even though I can't remember a time without the drugs--but I know however bad I thought I felt then, couldn't compare to how I feel now).