Wow, it sounds like you have really twisted yourself into a pretzel. Although you are feeling very distraught about
your situation, there is help. Are you familiar with cognitive therapy? It's a very effective therapy. It's also best used with relaxation & meditation techniques. Because "talk therapy" is not as effective in many cases, in conquering what you describe, I do believe you would benefit much from cognitive therapy. In addition, the "relief" from talk therapy is rarely beneficial on a long-term basis unless the therapist is one that actually supplies the strategies and tools for long-term recovery purposes. Sadly, this is rare; they need an income too. I should know. LOL
This will require a firm commitment on your part though; it's not something that you can just do overnight, nor will the results be instantaneous. It does require hard work, time, repetition, and attention on the part of the individual. Cognitive therapy is a therapy designed for the individual to identify problem thought patterns; the identifications also include automatic thoughts, meaning ... those thoughts that you think automatically without even noticing; those of which you are unaware until you delve into this in detail. Typically, this identification process is done with written question/answer text formats.
As you do these exercises, you see that a pattern begins to develop. You will notice when, where, why, and how these feelings were triggered; along with the immediate thought(s) that preceeded them. The vignettes fall within a few of the following: minimization, magnification, fortune-telling, all-or-nothing thinking, accepting questionable authoritatives as fact .....
Meaning, our thinking controls our feelings. Many times, even those with clinical depression (chemical imbalance, requiring anti-depressant medications) have the opportunity to fully recover by making these exercises manifest in their thinking, and it evolves into an overall better quality-of-life. Like I said though, this takes time and commitment on the part of the individual. This typically works best when one applies these concepts in addition to their already prescribed anti-depressant medication(s).
Many of our thoughts, we are not even aware of. Think of it like this, every single moment, every single second, we are making a choice; there's no way around it; most of the choices we make we are not even aware of, but think back to infancy; at one time, you did consciously think about
and focus on taking your first steps. So what I speak of here is along the same lines; we do have the power to do that with our thoughts as well. However, we do have to make the decision to claim that choice and use it. We may not be conscious of that, but we are.
We also have the power of choice to use for developing better and healthier thinking patterns. When thinking gets "lost in the shuffle," it's time to re-route it and place it back where it belongs. Most people don't realize that it's possible, but it is. Of course, a chemical imbalance will obviously need medication to be properly treated. But when the medication is taken as prescribed, and new thinking patterns are established, it is possible to rid ourselves of this torment.
I understand and I care. It was my own pain that provoked my "change of mind." My thoughts controlled my feelings, whether I was aware of it or not. The key was to recognize those thoughts, how and if they served me and why, and at what point in my life; then I had to ask myself if I still needed them, were they still purposeful to be perceived the way I perceived them and why/why not.
God is very good; He gave us all brains, He expects us to use them. And He also knows we need help with that, we all do. At some point and time in each and every human being's life, we all need help. Keep asking questions, that's why we're here.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;"
"in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
"Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."
"This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."