Posted 3/26/2006 10:48 AM (GMT -6)
As I was walking on my tredmill this morning my mind started to wander. The program on my rubberbanded 3x5 TV (i call my 'carrot') was losing my intrest. My eyes came upon the mileage/calorie counter. Only 90 calories used and I am sweating like a hog. Shouldn't have eaten that diatetic,no sugar added popsicle last nite or I would be ahead of my game now.
Then I started to reflect on all of the times I had deprived myself of things I really wanted. And also times I was deprived by others. This, I am sure, caused my low selfesteem problems.
It started back when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I am now almost 49. The big thing for little girls was a Chatty Cathy. Oh, how I thought I needed that. When I asked, I was told that that was for 'other girls'. Oh, I said and dismissed it being respectful of my parent. Until I went to the neighbors house for a birthday party and she got one. Oh, I thought. So that is the kind of girl that gets one. They were an affluent family in the community. Therefore, I at a very young age, understood the different class categories in society.
No, I don't want a Chatty Cathy anymore, but I am understanding why I was told I couldn't have one. If I had gotten one, I would then always be asking for the latest thing. I would have caused my parents great stress to provide me with my every whim. My father's motto was always, if you don't have it already, you don't need it. I have lived by this motto myself. I have tried to insert this in my children's thinking, however, their genepool dad always thought the opposite and we found ourselves always keeping up with the Jones'.
I have found my place. If I want something, I weigh the consequences. How will it look to my family,my co-workers,etc. Still, I am not and never will be an affluent part of society. I now have found how I can get my reward. Giving things to others instead of myself. I have always been a person who believes in volunteering. I recently signed up for the Special Olympics in my state. What feeling just pushing the send button on the computer. So many others are deprived of many things not material. I thought having 'things' was my want in life. It is not. Helping others get want they "need" is my 'thing'.
I no longer feel the deprivation I once had. Even in this time of Lent. I am feeling better just knowing that I am giving instead of wanting. I guess that is what my Dad was trying to teach me all along. Sorry Daddy, it has taken me so long to figure this out.
Now for that popsicle!