Hi denton1980, Welcome to healing well forum.
I was wondering if your mother ever did actually try to poison you or one of your siblings when you were younger? Did she have a diagnosed mental illness that you know of? I have had 3 clients of mine women that have either killed or tried to kill their children, it is called Munchausen Syndrome. Anyway, it was just interesting that you said you felt better when you had small children around.
I know you said that you dont have insurance and cant afford doctor bills. Does your state have a Medicaid program? Low income families can get health insurance this way. If this is not an option for you for whatever reason. Then you can check with the Samaritan Center for help with counseling also the Division of Social Services has a list of counselors that have very low rates and most times will even waive them for extreme cases. Doctor offices to can give samples of antidepressants to patients that dont have insurance or their co-pays are to high to pay. They get them from the drug companies for free anyway. Please look into getting some professional help. If you cant function to do your daily activities because depression is so bad then you need to be treated for it.
I have posted this for you if you want to add the link. It is a great website. Come back as often as you like we are always here.....