Posted 4/5/2006 10:16 AM (GMT -6)
Hey Everyone :)
I have recently found this board through a google search, and can relate to the things I read. So here I go. I have recently been diagnosed with clinical depression. Over the last 6 months, I have been through quite a bit. Mostly just losing a pet due to cancer, and than losing a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. I have a lot of areas in my life that need to be changed, and things in my past that are defintely results of the way I am today. I have very little friends, and not much family. The relationship I have with my mother isnt the strongest. My boyfriend and dogs were my world, and family for 5 years. Now my life has been turned upside down and Ive felt lows Ive never thought I would feel.
I am in therapy, started about a month ago. That does seem to be helping, although we havent even touched the part of my breakup. At this point the boyfriend and I are trying to work on things, and plan on getting into counseling once I feel Im ready. I want to get some of my own therapy first.
Most recently the feelings I have are more of low self esteem, low self worth, and alone feelings. Its hard for me to see that my boyfriend has this great support system of friends, and I really have no one. Its like I get jelous that he has this great group of friends. Hanging out with him, and just being there for him. I dont seem to want anything to do with these people, and they really dont want anything to do with me. Its probably just me being insecure and stand offish. This past weekend I hung out with my boyfriend and his friends, and I felt like an outside the whole time. Im probaly just imagining things this way, but none of them really would even hold a conversation with me.
He seems to be fine, while Im falling apart. I feel so alone, confused, and helpless. Often I think...why am I bothering with our relationship. He doesnt need me. Its like I see these people replacing me. This is where you can tell I relied way to much on him to fulfill my needs.
Im probalby not making much sense, just typing as the words come to my head.
Any helpful words you can spare?