I don't know how I got here. I only know that I've hit a huge roadblock. I am an international student studying in the US. I went through a terrible divorce a year back, and decided to take this opportunity to get back to school. Initially it was all fine. But since the past few months everything has been going wrong. Medical bills for health problems that have piled up (i've been admitted to the hospital twice) and I can't afford, no job so no earnings, bad dates, poor health, pregnancy scare twice, stress of mounting debts, every week (and i mean every week) some bad news or the other and now? Now I have just lost the first man who I fell for after my failed marriage. It's not been that long I admit. We dated only a few months but it was wonderful. With him life seemed beautiful. Now that he is moving and doesn't care for me the way I do, it feels awful.
I've been on the birth control pill for a couple months. It's not helping all this in any way. It's been 2 days since I got to know he's leaving. And I can't stop crying. Just can't stop feeling wretched.
I know others out there go through worse. But I don;t know what to do. I feel hurt, lonely as hell, dejected and frustrated. I have always been good with my education and career (this is my second masters and a career change), but I, like everyone else, want a husband and a family. It's evading me all the time.
And now, with losing this great guy, I can't seem to carry on. My ability to rationalise my bad luck's running out on me. I've tried to stay positive, tried not to let things affect me. But now there is just a childish resistance in me which refuses to accept anything. I don't know what to do. I just want him here with me. I don't want him to go. I want to find love again. Want to be accepted.
I can't handle not having a personal life or earning any money. Can't understand why after going through 5 years of a painful relationship and a traumatic divorce and health that just doesn;t get okay, do I have to still face disappointments.
I know we need to find happiness within ourselves. But I am unable to. I feel sad all the time. I wake up and I wonder what to do with my life. I look at couples walking hand in hand. I am not suicidal, but I think I am very depressed and unable to cope any longer.
Please don;t misunderstand me. I have tried to make things ok. My family is wonderful and they support me a lot. It meant a great deal to me get over my ex husband. But increasingly my ability to take successive hits has gone down.
I don't know what I want from this site. Maybe just a listening ear. Help me someone?
I have edited post due to being a little too graphic. Please remember that we do have some kids and teenagers that post & read here and could become influenced by something that we write. Thank you....Elisha
Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 4/18/2006 6:51:29 AM (GMT-6)