But am also way to hurt and going downhill not to have someone read. So I am using this board again to vent my feelings. I knew me feeling good was too good to be true. Here I go again....But
I called my mom Easter morning,during the middle of the conversation she got really nasty. I was telling her about my job interviews that was coming up and said "something has to come through as this is so depressing and I am so tired of being frustrated" Her reply was "well I will tell you this...if things do not work out down there you can not come here because I do not want you". I was stunned. Now keep in mind I left home at the age of 16 to never go back because of mental and physical abuse from her and her ex boyfriend.
I got married and then at the age of 18 had my daughter. I only started going downhill 2 years ago as far as a job...when I left my ex--husband the kids and I moved in with her for about 3 weeks until I could get some things straight. During that time, I kept her house cleaned,bought all of the groceries so we did not live off of her.
My brother lived with her until a year ago off and on. He is 30.
So,after letting my brain take over these past couple of days I wrote a letter to her last night,almost sent it via email. But chickened out.
I need to "send" it persay so I am going to post it here.........
I have a few things to say to you
When you said to me that I could not come and live with you, that you did not want me if anything happened here, it broke my heart. Not because there is anything wrong here. In fact I love him more than I have loved any man in my life.
I do not know what I did to you that deserves that. I know that I have screwed up in my life. I know that I have not made the right choices. But one thing I do know is that I tried to be a good person.
I did my best with taking care of my brother. I tried to make sure he had dinner, that he had his homework done ect. But I was so young.
I tried to cover his ears at night when you came home with those different men.
I am not a bad person.
I know I am going through a hard part of life
I was beat
I was raped.
I deserve to go through a hard part of life
I deserve to be confused and try to find my way.
I deserve to be loved no matter what I do wrong.
I out of any person in the world deserve to be loved.
I only told you a little bit of what happened to me, mostly because I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I fell for what a horrible person said. But I was only 12.
I was a baby still
But I had to grow up fast. He taught me that.
And quite frankly, YOU put me there.
You made me go there. You are the one that did not see the changes in a 12 year old like you should have. A little girl that went from a small town, to running away, talking back, doing drugs…what was wrong with that little girl?
Let me tell you what was wrong…
A man, came into my life…One that my mother trusted. One that my mother took me to every weekend. He at first bought me and my brother lots of things; school clothes, toys, took us fishing and camping. He took us to church.
I thought he was the father that I never had
But one day it changed.
It started by him touching me. Watching ****o movies while I was in the room .
Him forcing himself on me by perfoming oral sex on me.
He told me that if I ever told anyone that he would do the same to my little brother that was lying in the next bed,and that he would kill my mom. I believed every word he said. I figured that if he could do what he was doing to me,that he could do horrible things to anyone and I loved my family so much that there was no way I was telling anyone.,
Then it was the drugs. He had pot,cocaine,and acid whenever I needed it. Which turned out to be needed all of the time
At the age of 13 he took me to Gray”s lake and raped me. I rememeber screaming so loud. It was the most horrible pain I had ever felt; I screamed for YOU YOU YOU
But YOU did not come
I tried to keep my best friend away from him but I know that he got to her.
I know that being a mom that if my daughter would have changed that much
Would have been a different person
I would have known
I would have known that something was not right
You always tell me to see a counsler
Well this is my counsler
I am telling you after all of these years,what he did to me
What I can never forgive you for
What I think you should have known and seen
I remember ALWAYS being in your way, always feeling like I was out of place
Why didn’t you let them just adopt me? Why did you lie to my brother about that?
I am done letting people bring me down
I have lived 36 years with being brought down. And I am not doing that anymore
I have too much anger towards you
Too many nightmares that I have to live again and again. Something you could never imagine
I lived through 13 years with a man that hit me whenever he wanted. Why??????
Because I did not think I deserved better.
I took it
Shut my mouth
Just like I was used to doing
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia